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Dejected.

Hellbell

Last week I posted that I received my formal diagnosis last week.

My son is the only family member who has been supportive. The rest of them haven’t contacted me, responded or acknowledged it. I did a lot for the family in times when they needed support I mean a lot. Organising care for older ones, sharing my home during covid lockdown, fetching and transporting, lending money, listening to them in troubled times even tho it was incredibly difficult emotionally for me. 

what have got in return? Nothing, not one call, message, and it hurts me deeply and ignored.
I feel invisible.

  • When I feel deeply hurt, ignored and invisible (which is far more often than I would like) - I rationalise.

    I don't want to overstep here and make you feel worse, but the cold machine-like rational potion of my mind poses this question - "What is it that you would have liked to hear them all say if they had called and messaged you?"

    Try to answer that question in absolute terms - ie fantasise about the perfect response that you would have hoped for from each of the important NT's in your life and write them down.  Read them and reflect.

    Perhaps, your fantasised answers all look like platitudes on paper?

    Perhaps, your fantasised answers indicate that you were actually looking for a definitive change in your relationships with them?

    Perhaps, your fantasised answers suggest that your first attempt at delivery was misjudged and you should simply try again?

    Perhaps, you will discover that you didn't know what you wanted to hear - and accordingly, they didn't know what to say?

    I find that this type of dogmatic rationalisation allows my brain side-step the negativity for a while whilst it sets-to in the realms of problem-solving and self-improvement / life-improvement.  This is a much happier place for my brain to be - and God bless it - my soggy grey mess often stumbles upon unexpectedly positive and constructive ways to move the issue forward to a resolution.

    In my experience, writing to other people about this sort of stuff is fraught with risk.  I'm not saying don't, but I am saying take your time and employ extreme caution.

    I do hope this might be of some help to you and from me at least, many congratulations on receiving your formal diagnosis.  Knowledge is power, so you are more powerful in yourself now.  Cool !

  • I would do the following, if I were you. Create a written document to send by email, text message or letter, as appropriate, to each of your relatives. You might start by saying that you were surprised at their lack of response to the news of your diagnosis. Then say that you presume that this is due to their lack of knowledge of autism. Give an outline of what autism is. Then give a detailed description of how your autism affects your daily life, the anxiety, difficulties with social interactions, distress when routines are disrupted, sensory issues and suchlike. Make a point of emphasising the difficulties you experienced in helping them out, problems with making phone calls, anxiety when interacting with care authorities etc. Finish by saying that you are happy to discuss anything that you have told them and answer any questions they might have.

    I would try to make it as dispassionate as possible, while making it clear by inference that they have hurt you by their indifference.

  • maybe its their form of accepting it?
    that you was always like that, and that a diagnosis means nothing as you always was like that all your life and it just gives a name to what you have been like? they had already accepted you for who you was. its business as usual sorta because of the fact they already accept you for who you are. your still you, the same you you have always been and always will be, and they already accepted you for who you are.