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Disclosing to a friend…they tell me I'm wrong

NAS80371

Hi,

First, hi! I was diagnosed in Octobe 2021. I've always struggled with many aspects of life, but blamed myself. My son was diagnosed many years ago, and he is so like me, that I figured that explained a lot for me. My relationship with him (he's an adult now) led me to seek a diagnosis. I'm late middle-aged.

My best friend of 25 years…I told him about my diagnosis, I wanted to have someone I could talk to about all the ways I mask, my lived experience of life. I think I was naive. He just shut me down and told me I wasn't autistic. Not really. He _knows_ about autism, he works with _real_ autistic kids.

Again, naively, I feel very hurt by this. But maybe he's right (I have terrible imposter syndrome about my diagnosis, so many years…what is a mask and what is me?)

I guess I'm sharing in case many/any of you have had this experience. Did you persist and work on your friend, was that worthwhile? Did you lose the friend? I don't have many friends. Maybe this guy is the main one. Or was. Seems worth working for, but I also feel like I shouldn't have to dance to prove my own lived experience…

Many thanks if you took the time to read this

Cheers

Parents

  • I am sorry you experienced this from a best friend, this must have been upsetting for you. It’s perfectly ok to be hurt by this experience, your autistic identity deserves to be validated. 

    You know your own autistic self best, trust your own instincts.

    I know it might be difficult because this person is a best friend but working with autistic children is very different to understanding and recognising internalised autistic adults.  Just because he works with autistic children, doesn’t mean he understands your own autistic experience.

    You are the expert on yourself.

    ‘I think I was naive. He just shut me down and told me I wasn't autistic. Not really. He _knows_ about autism, he works with _real_ autistic kids.’

    You were not naive, you were brave and confident enough to tell who you thought was a trusted person who you actually are.  You are also an autistic person just an autistic person who is not like the autistic kids he works with. Of course you would be different because you are an autistic adult. 

    I am so sorry this happened to you, but hopefully you find comfort in the fact that we are your autistic community and we will validate you.

    This is a video that you might find useful, it is about disclosing your autistic identity:

    https://youtu.be/Sq82fb7NROY

Reply

  • I am sorry you experienced this from a best friend, this must have been upsetting for you. It’s perfectly ok to be hurt by this experience, your autistic identity deserves to be validated. 

    You know your own autistic self best, trust your own instincts.

    I know it might be difficult because this person is a best friend but working with autistic children is very different to understanding and recognising internalised autistic adults.  Just because he works with autistic children, doesn’t mean he understands your own autistic experience.

    You are the expert on yourself.

    ‘I think I was naive. He just shut me down and told me I wasn't autistic. Not really. He _knows_ about autism, he works with _real_ autistic kids.’

    You were not naive, you were brave and confident enough to tell who you thought was a trusted person who you actually are.  You are also an autistic person just an autistic person who is not like the autistic kids he works with. Of course you would be different because you are an autistic adult. 

    I am so sorry this happened to you, but hopefully you find comfort in the fact that we are your autistic community and we will validate you.

    This is a video that you might find useful, it is about disclosing your autistic identity:

    https://youtu.be/Sq82fb7NROY

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