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Autistic young person struggling with feeling good enough

Tired

My son is 19 yrs old. He was diagnosed in his early teens. Despite his outward confidence, he struggles with self esteem, confidence and mental health. He feels he is never going to be good enough, not a real man, not as capable as other young people his age, not achieving in the way they do, will never have a relationship or role in this world. He wants to die, but says he isn't even brave enough to make that happen. He's  breaking my heart and I am beyond worried for him. I've tried to explain that lots of 19yr olds feel this way, we don't suddenly turn into an adult when we hit 18! He has no friends, and no desire to go out and meet people. I wish there were safe local groups for young people like him to attend, just to meet similar people and see that he's not alone. We're in the South East and I'm yet to find anything he can attend. He's stuck in online worlds and forums, which I don't think are good for his mental health. Any advice would be gratefully received. 

  • Hi I'm Daniela, I'm 17 and was diagnosed early teens.

    The last few years I've struggled with all of the above and especially trying to achieve like others my age and in my classes. It can be upsetting when you want to do and be like the others but are unable to.

    I've since learnt that it's okay. You don't have to be like the coolest and prettiest girls in class you just have to be yourself and do what makes you happy. It just makes you unhappiness and stressed trying to do what others have done and are doing.

    Try to show him that he's ok as he is and needs to do the things that make him happy.

    I've also looked for groups local for myself but nothing around.

    I've also no friends, I know how hard that is so I'm sorry for him x

    I hope things get better.

  • in reply to Caelus

    perhaps.... when thinking on it... delusion, motivation and happiness are all one. the negative would see ones motivation to be delusional, but motivation and drive lead to self happiness. you just need to find a way to fire up that drive, to build that motivation for development, to build your delusion of grandeur as the negative nay sayers would see it as. build yourself to be strong, so that you can carry the world as those you previously saw as your betters now appear to just be tiny weak specks on the world your carrying on your shoulders.

  • make him do martial arts classes if he desires to better himself and become a ultimate badass. aim for continuous self improvement.... like a rpg game, but in real life where he is the character he is improving. slowly but surely self esteem and assertiveness will grow and one day he will measure himself alongside others and realise he is then miles beyond them and above his peers.

    as for mood that will always be a issue depending on motivation, if he takes up training and keeps on it he will have a stronger view of his own self but yet that perhaps still wont solve loneliness.... but he doesnt need others, sure he may need oxytocin and so on and human touch and contact, but he can get that from a sports massage while also destroying any tension and stress in his body. this is perhaps how you find how to weather the world and find ways to live in it and stand against the negative. you can do it by training, making yourself better, and all sorts like that. a job if he struggles with will easily come after a few years of hard martial arts training as martial arts is essentially the hardest of work and the hardest graft work will feel like nothing after hes trained himself.

    life is development of character, he should be happy that hes at the bottom as everything from here is all improvement for him and all good things ahead of him, every single path will be one of improvement and self betterment now so long as he has the will to develope himself and treat himself like a rpg character.

  • Hi, I’m Charlotte, I’m 20 and also on the spectrum. I went through similar experiences in my teens and I’ll be his friend if he wants to talk to someone his age. 

  • So sorry to hear what you and your son are going through. Being a 19 year old man isn't easy. Autism makes it harder. Certainly, looking back, it was when my own autism was probably having most impact on me, even though I wasn't diagnosed at the time. I'm sure he'll find a way, find his interests, etc. The really good thing is that he is clearly talking to you about this. I felt exactly the same way when I was that age - I just used to go to bed every night wishing I would never wake up - but I would never have spoken to my parents about that. So it's great that you have such a strong relationship. Just keep being there for him and listening to him. I know what you mean about online forums etc, but are there ways in which he could develop his interests online with a view to using that to meet people? So if, say, he was interested in wildlife (that's a totally random example as it's something I'm interested in), could online discussions lead to him joining a local group?