Published on 12, July, 2020
I always feel like there’s something inside me that makes it very difficult for me to communicate to people, especially about how I’m feeling and what I need help with. I always have to think for a bit before I say something or reply to someone. Sometimes, that’s not even enough, as my words often come out clunky and unclear, which has annoyed a lot of people. And when people are talking to me, it always ends up with me saying “yeah” over and over again in response to their statements, as I literally don’t know how to respond otherwise. One time, when I responded that way a bit too much, they said to me, “You really don’t care, do you?”. Except I do. At one point, I tried telling this to my mom, and how I was feeling very anxious and mentally unwell because of it. She told me it was because I was a Scorpio. Like, what? I got so mad that I nearly yelled at her. Instead, I just left the room quickly. I’m almost an adult, and this is still a problem for me. I’m a bit anxious about life after high school, as I don’t how well I’ll hold up in college with my mind being the way it is.
I just want to say that the greatest problem in communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished. – George Bernard Shaw Dinar Gurus
I feel ALL of this. These exchanges you're describing are a point of solidarity with Autistic Experience. There is a constant misinterpretation and this is one of the specific reasons for a diagnostic.
I've felt the same over the years. Accused of the opposite of what I was feeling. Finding an inability to synchronise what I wanted to say with language. Asking for practical help and only getting a bit of cheering on.
Your mother 'affirming' the Scorpio you is a way to try and affirm your feelings are valid. I agree it doesn't fix anything. But apparently this is the request from a NT, should they say the exact same thing. They aren't asking for help just some cheering on. It's absolutely maddening.
It's the majority of Autistics that dealing with trying to find the correct word once we come to that startling and epic revelation that something is getting lost in translation.
Welcome.
See if you can work though some things here. It may help to just feel a connexion and get practical advice. I might have more ideas in a bit. Words are a bit difficult for me in the moment. But try being incredibly direct and saying "I need practical help" when you need it. Then trying to unfold the complexity.
I did my PhD in molecular biology in a research group averaging around 8 people. They were the only people I needed to interact with on a daily basis. I worked in a laboratory with just those people, and shared an office with three of my lab group. We had fortnightly lab meetings, which were OK, just boring. I had to present a few seminars and I did one conference talk. I self-medicated with alcohol to cope and they mostly passed off fairly well.
Wow, that's the complete opposite of my experience. School was fine, uni was just about bearable, PhD (maths) I dropped out because I couldn't cope with the social demands. We were supposed to work in an open plan office all day every day, have face to face supervisor meetings every week, and go to talks, coffee mornings, journal clubs, conferences etc. Even if I was an extroverted NT it would have been a huge amount of interaction and verbal communication.
School - hell on wheels, 6th form - not as bad, university - much more bearable, even enjoyable, post-grad - heaven. The further I got up the academic system, the more autism-friendly it became. PhD study might have been designed for autistics.