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Nobody asks me to hang out even after I have invited them out many times

Elaine Yu

I've been having this problem for the past few years. I had a friend who I asked to hang out with him 8 times and I asked him to return the favour, maybe just a few times but he wouldn't. The relationship I was in, I asked that guy repeatedly out for 8 months every week without fail. Yet, when I asked for the favour to be returned, it never happened. I ended up dumping him. Now, with a friend, I've had for 14 years, I thought if she'd set it in her calendar to ask me to hang out every second month then I'd get invites. But obviously, she didn't even do it. I feel like people are so selfish. I act normal, I don't have one-way conversations and I'm likeable (as told by my friends). But no one wants to put the effort into inviting me out. At this point, I feel like there's no point in going out. I get anxiety after a while if the people who I've asked don't return the favour. I'd rather protect my mental health.

Parents

  • I think neurotypical people make plans in a different way. This is what I have found. Often I think plans are confirmed but to them it's merely a loose suggestion. To me, "let's go out next sunday" means that's what we are doing. But to others it's just seen as an idea.

    Also with friendships, I've learned to let go of expectations. ("I went to hers last time so now it's her turn to come to me." "It's only ever me who calls her" examples). People have busy lives and sometimes things can be a bit one sided but if I get enough out of thr friendship then I'll let it go.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    I really dislike this. I feel like if I say something, I mean it. If I say, I'll ask you to hangout next month, I actually will do that. I really dislike the one-sidedness of things, I'd rather not invest in something that gives me zero sum returns. I think NT's lack commitment in following through with things. In school, we got harshly disciplined about this sort of thing and it's stayed with me until now and I've graduated university.

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  • in reply to Deleted User

    I really dislike this. I feel like if I say something, I mean it. If I say, I'll ask you to hangout next month, I actually will do that. I really dislike the one-sidedness of things, I'd rather not invest in something that gives me zero sum returns. I think NT's lack commitment in following through with things. In school, we got harshly disciplined about this sort of thing and it's stayed with me until now and I've graduated university.

Children
  • in reply to Elaine Yu

    It stuck with you because someone awakened something very natural within you. 

    NeuroTypical brain-wiring is incredibly focused (so it's been somewhat discovered) on language and semiotic  compartments. They have strong connectors here. Language is organic, it can shape shift. For someone like me who thinks in vivid imagery rather than in language (some people have an internal monologue they 'hear'), I see Sunday and Visual us doing a thing, therefore the date and plan is set in to a future existence we will bring into reality.

    This is not how NTs are wired. They are wired to move in murmuration, do what the strongest in the tribe does. We both have our Strengths but NTs dominate the planet right now, so Tribal thinking is the expected norm.

    Have you ever read A Field Guide to Earthlings? It may help.