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Relationship Advice for a Neuro Typical Partner

NAS81291

Hi 

I am in a 10 year relationship with J who is undiagnosed 43 yr old male. We live in his property and now have a healthy lively nearly 4 year old. 

I have a long term autoimmune disease and struggled with post natal depression. 

I knew J had traits when meeting him and I was honest about my physical condition. 

Since having our son, our relationship and home life is going from bad to worse where I am (again) at a point of wandering if moving out and separation is the only way we would be able to effectively co-parent. 

J has been pre-assessed and is now awaiting a full assessment and diagnosis. 

He agreed to try local couples therapy and eventually walked out of our last session two years ago because he felt targeted. He isn't willing to engage in other support around our relationship but is going to a fortnightly men only wellbeing group. 

Becoming parents has meant we have both struggled with fatigue, I have had more flare ups leading to periods of poor mobility and he struggles to stay awake at any time away from work. 

We no longer have an effective means of communication, I am constantly frustrated, he stated he feels that I always blame him, there is no intimacy, even when I try to initiate touch. 

His sensory "issues" are quickly triggered when he is around our son to the point that he triggers our son with negative comments and actions. I find myself being critical and so the negative cycle evolves.

J will often "bail" out of any social activities or activities involving our son. I get that he needs non social stimulation unfortunately the rejection I feel is very high and lonesome. The need then for me to solo parent triggers my health which then adds extra crap and pressure onto the relationship. 

He has said he feels he is in an abusive relationship due to my frustration and anger around the home. This scares me, I don't think I am an abuser, I have sought anger management and advised I didn't fit in the service. I now doubt this, now finding I constantly having to doubt my behaviour when out and about even with very close friends. 

I find I am constantly battling a mobile phone, well any device that is not human. Yes I appreciate that an AS person can get fixated on interests .. this is bordering on obsessive and addictive. 

Are there any resources, other NT partners out there or tips from AS partners/people that you could ping my way, I don't want our family to part, am exhausted trying and am so close to calling it quits. 

Thanks for reading xx

Parents

  • Are you possibly NeuroDivergent as well? I ask because auto-immune issues are common and also, the way you're asking questions regarding contemplations isn't completely without understanding.

    I'm sad to hear this, and from my lived experienced, from friends and what I've read, sometimes when things get to this point the best thing for it is breathing space. Finding an amicable way to retreat and regroup. 

    Abusive is a hard term and it gets thrown about a LOT. I won't use it lightly, it's not a toy, it has legal implications. 

    At this point focusing on your self and your son should be priority. I am autistic but I would not tolerate a man who cannot use some basic principles to understand the impact and consequences of his actions and absence on his son. It's good he is going to a meeting, but are YOU? Do you have support? 

    I have found that classic rules of kindness and matters of integrity apply to all neurotypes. Erich Fromm wrote a few great books on being human and they apply to everyone: The Art of Loving and The Revolution of Hope. These are some of my favourites. Same with C S Lewis, Chesterton, Orwell, and so on. We all have limitations and respecting those is key. 

    It sounds like he perhaps hit his limit in life, and this happens, and all you can do is respect it, but that doesn't mean it won't have an intense impact on you emotionally and possibly add stress affecting your biology. You cannot fix what is not yours to fix and you need to stay healthy for a small boy who needs his mum. So, back to the beginning. Your sons father may need time alone, I would be frustrated as well and not my 'best' self. This could be no one's doing, just life taking a toll and individuals bucking under the strain. Take care of you. 

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  • Are you possibly NeuroDivergent as well? I ask because auto-immune issues are common and also, the way you're asking questions regarding contemplations isn't completely without understanding.

    I'm sad to hear this, and from my lived experienced, from friends and what I've read, sometimes when things get to this point the best thing for it is breathing space. Finding an amicable way to retreat and regroup. 

    Abusive is a hard term and it gets thrown about a LOT. I won't use it lightly, it's not a toy, it has legal implications. 

    At this point focusing on your self and your son should be priority. I am autistic but I would not tolerate a man who cannot use some basic principles to understand the impact and consequences of his actions and absence on his son. It's good he is going to a meeting, but are YOU? Do you have support? 

    I have found that classic rules of kindness and matters of integrity apply to all neurotypes. Erich Fromm wrote a few great books on being human and they apply to everyone: The Art of Loving and The Revolution of Hope. These are some of my favourites. Same with C S Lewis, Chesterton, Orwell, and so on. We all have limitations and respecting those is key. 

    It sounds like he perhaps hit his limit in life, and this happens, and all you can do is respect it, but that doesn't mean it won't have an intense impact on you emotionally and possibly add stress affecting your biology. You cannot fix what is not yours to fix and you need to stay healthy for a small boy who needs his mum. So, back to the beginning. Your sons father may need time alone, I would be frustrated as well and not my 'best' self. This could be no one's doing, just life taking a toll and individuals bucking under the strain. Take care of you. 

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