Relationship Advice for a Neuro Typical Partner

Are you possibly NeuroDivergent as well? I ask because auto-immune issues are common and also, the way you're asking questions regarding contemplations isn't completely without understanding.

I'm sad to hear this, and from my lived experienced, from friends and what I've read, sometimes when things get to this point the best thing for it is breathing space. Finding an amicable way to retreat and regroup. 

Abusive is a hard term and it gets thrown about a LOT. I won't use it lightly, it's not a toy, it has legal implications. 

At this point focusing on your self and your son should be priority. I am autistic but I would not tolerate a man who cannot use some basic principles to understand the impact and consequences of his actions and absence on his son. It's good he is going to a meeting, but are YOU? Do you have support? 

I have found that classic rules of kindness and matters of integrity apply to all neurotypes. Erich Fromm wrote a few great books on being human and they apply to everyone: The Art of Loving and The Revolution of Hope. These are some of my favourites. Same with C S Lewis, Chesterton, Orwell, and so on. We all have limitations and respecting those is key. 

It sounds like he perhaps hit his limit in life, and this happens, and all you can do is respect it, but that doesn't mean it won't have an intense impact on you emotionally and possibly add stress affecting your biology. You cannot fix what is not yours to fix and you need to stay healthy for a small boy who needs his mum. So, back to the beginning. Your sons father may need time alone, I would be frustrated as well and not my 'best' self. This could be no one's doing, just life taking a toll and individuals bucking under the strain. Take care of you. 

Hey, firstly, I'm just sending you a load of love. Sounds like things you're really struggling. 

I completely sympathise with how you feel. Whilst I don't have children or autoimmune disease, (each seperately a lot of work/difficult to deal with sometimes!) everything you're saying about you're relationship with your partner is where I'm at too. The phone.. the not helping.. the being accused of abuse.. the fruatration.. the guilt of feeling frustrated and angry..  I'm neuro typical and am in a long term relationship with someone who has autism. It's really really hard work. It sounds harsh to say it but it's just the truth. You're knackered all the time having to deal with them, and you get frustrated more and more easy because your patience is fading. I wish I had miracle advice for you. Just try and find time to be on your own and reset and refresh and do things (without them) that make you feel good, so that when you are with them you have a slightly longer fuse. I'm also desperately looking for advice, so im aorry that I cant help much but this message is more a 'i'm with you!' message, and a big virtual hug. You have to look after yourself!

I mean absolutely no offence to people with autism here, its just the reality of some relationships between neuro typical and neuro divergent people. (and also any people regardless of neuro related things!)

xxx

NAS81291 said:

He agreed to try local couples therapy and eventually walked out of our last session two years ago because he felt targeted. He isn't willing to engage in other support around our relationship but is going to a fortnightly men only wellbeing group. 

I could see a therapist who doesn't know autism identifying his autistic traits as 'the problem' and thinking 'if only I can fix his [autistic] behaviour I can fix the relationship.' That could feel a lot like an attack.

NAS81291 said:

We no longer have an effective means of communication, I am constantly frustrated, he stated he feels that I always blame him, there is no intimacy, even when I try to initiate touch. 

I mean if he'd been shouting at you you might not be in the mood for sexy times either. But to clarify do you always blame him? I could see how as a parent with an illness you might feel like he should be picking up the slack for the things you can't manage. But is there really any slack on his end? If he works away from home you don't see how hard he works, evidently it tires him out? If he works at home trying to focus on work while your family life keeps interrupting could be really stressful in itself for an autistic person.

NAS81291 said:

His sensory "issues" are quickly triggered when he is around our son to the point that he triggers our son with negative comments and actions. I find myself being critical and so the negative cycle evolves.

I'm guessing your son is very loud? Is there any scope for using things like headphones? Yes it may look stupid him walking around with his family with a big set of headphones on but if it works why not?

NAS81291 said:

J will often "bail" out of any social activities or activities involving our son. I get that he needs non social stimulation unfortunately the rejection I feel is very high and lonesome. The need then for me to solo parent triggers my health which then adds extra crap and pressure onto the relationship. 

It sounds to me like he just feels very overwhelmed by your son. Parents often do. No one teaches you how to be a parent and if he can only muster so much energy to spend time with his son how much practice has he really had? So Imagine your 4y/o has a tantrum, you are out of it because of the health issue so you call him in but he just hasn't had the practice over the last 4 years to know how to deal with an angry 4 y/o and now on top of that you're blaming him for being out of his depth and not knowing how to handle the situation. How would you feel?

NAS81291 said:

He has said he feels he is in an abusive relationship due to my frustration and anger around the home. This scares me, I don't think I am an abuser, I have sought anger management and advised I didn't fit in the service. I now doubt this, now finding I constantly having to doubt my behaviour when out and about even with very close friends. 

I mean if I had a wife in a wheel chair and I was constantly complaining that she didn't help me by getting items off the high shelf for me I could she how that would seem abusive to her. You need to ask are your expectations of your husband realistic. Not nessiserally of his willingness to deal with your son but his competence to know what to do with him when he miss behaves or has a tantrum? Being angry with him when he says he can't do it and when you're asking him to go beyond what he knows how to do is going to seem abusive to him.

NAS81291 said:

I find I am constantly battling a mobile phone, well any device that is not human. Yes I appreciate that an AS person can get fixated on interests .. this is bordering on obsessive and addictive. 

It sounds like escapism to me which is exactly what I'd expect from any one who is very overwhelmed and stressed.

NAS81291 said:

Are there any resources, other NT partners out there or tips from AS partners/people that you could ping my way, I don't want our family to part, am exhausted trying and am so close to calling it quits. 

Here's the thing, you say you feel like you're raising your kid alone. As a single mum you'd still be raising your kid alone. It seems to me the proble is your kid requires more energy than the both of you have between you. That's the fundamental issue here. You need more help raising your son. An aunt, grandparent, friendly neighbour. Some one to pick up the slack and give you both breathing room. You could turn to social care. You're both disabled, although he doesn't have his diagnosis yet. Help around the house looking after your kid might form part of the social care you might apply for from the council. Although I can understand that going to them and saying, I need help taking care of my kid, might seem very daunting.

NAS81291 said:

He has said he feels he is in an abusive relationship due to my frustration and anger around the home.

that sounds like what I felt close before my relationship ended. 

if he feels like it then there is no way he will like any physical intimacy, it doesn't mean he stopped loving you

NAS81291 said:

We no longer have an effective means of communication

Does it mean there was one?, or maybe you thought there was and he was masking all the time agreeing to everything, and now it's to  much for him and he cannot mask it all anymore

Are you aware of something called Double Empathy Problem?  Its the reason behind miscommunication between autistic and allistic. This video explains it nicely https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y51w9j5eS50

if he is still talking to you  it is still possible to fix this, ask him to watch that video together