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Disposable people...

I Sperg

Autism brings with it a certain amount of friction between us and the normies, O.K.

BUT I've been discarded by SO very many people as if I were a used tissue.

I've had a little cluster of it this month, so it's of particular interest to me this week.

I've been working the problem for a full half century now, and I still can't quite decide why I seem to be so "discardable".

I've tried being nice, useful, controlling, submissive, and simply being myself, during various decades, but every time just when I think I've managed to get a few people around me who I can trust, it seems I discover I was either being "used", or "tolerated" by someone and my time is up....

I've learned to live with it, and just treasure the people around me who are not currently rejecting me.

Parents

  • Treasuring the people you sounds great, but I don't have any! I got sick of being the useful idiot and all I have is cats now.  I no longer trust people or groups as I've seen how it plays out.  I'm 51, and I just worked that the saddest thing for me is realising how much work I put in to making friendships work, how no one appreciated it, and how little it means once it's over. The rejection hurts, but it's the reminder that I was working so hard at something that is supposed to be easy.  Does everyone really understand and find it easy? I'm too tired to put in the work to find out it's the wrong work again. The shame and fear that I'm not like other people, and that my efforts were wasted makes me sad, like my time on earth is totally wasted. Once again I'm in denial and considering that I might not be autistic because I'm conditioned to thinking that I'll once again be struggling to fit here too. The high of thinking I'd work things out has well and truly worn off and I'm confused muddled and sad as I was before, even though. Thank goodness I have cats.

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  • Treasuring the people you sounds great, but I don't have any! I got sick of being the useful idiot and all I have is cats now.  I no longer trust people or groups as I've seen how it plays out.  I'm 51, and I just worked that the saddest thing for me is realising how much work I put in to making friendships work, how no one appreciated it, and how little it means once it's over. The rejection hurts, but it's the reminder that I was working so hard at something that is supposed to be easy.  Does everyone really understand and find it easy? I'm too tired to put in the work to find out it's the wrong work again. The shame and fear that I'm not like other people, and that my efforts were wasted makes me sad, like my time on earth is totally wasted. Once again I'm in denial and considering that I might not be autistic because I'm conditioned to thinking that I'll once again be struggling to fit here too. The high of thinking I'd work things out has well and truly worn off and I'm confused muddled and sad as I was before, even though. Thank goodness I have cats.

Children
  • in reply to Allfunktup

    I'm can empathize with you, this is pretty much where I'm at. I'd still like to find someone special but the amount of work it would take in terms of both personal development and searching for that someone special is immense. I think I'm in love with the idea of being with someone more than the reality to be honest. A couple of days ago I wrote down the list of traits I'd like in an idea partner and the conclusion I came to is that my ideal partner would be the human equivalent of a cat: someone who likes being on their own most of the time but also needs some TLC on a regular basis. It's simpler if I just stick with mycat and books. Maybe when I can afford it I'll get another cat.

    Same goes for friends, when I'm socializing all I can do is look at the floor, and when someone does try to start a conversation with me all I can manage is one word/short answers. So other people end up with the Idea that I'm dull, boring and uninterested in getting to know them.

    Thank goodness for cats indeed!

  • in reply to Allfunktup

    I'll be honest people I was so angry and confused about how people kept treating me that I went "full psychological on their (and my own) a*ses in my early teens onwards. BY the time I was 24 I had a little black book with over 100 "friends" in it.

    Everybody liked me, (whilst still stealing odd items, gossiping or working against me (and each other, like they do) until I got sick of the falseness, and in my thirties there was  a cull.

    Apart from my partner and daughter I regularly speak to about 4 people now.

    I found it fairly trivial to become "likeable" (just treat people the way the bible tells you too, and follow the psychological basics set out by Eric Berne in the book "games people play") the big problem for me is tolerating others...  In my twenties I had it down to a fine art where I rotated myself between groups of different friends, either as soon as I felt they were getting "bored of me" or as soon as it was me starting to get bored. 

    But the normies seem to have even more problems sustaining friends and relationships to be honest, but they are less keenly aware of it, or find the process fairly painless I compared to us.