Better to cut ties or keep fighting over boundaries?

Autistics tend to be more analytical. They don't seek out pattens, they accidentally see them. 

As I tell my son, as my father has told me, We analyse things not people. 

I don't know too many autistics who actually enjoy shredding others to such degree. Gossip and this intensity of destruction followed by a complete lack of sympathy and an inability to recount what was said do not sound like autistic traits. But she could have a wealth of insurmountable trauma. She could be in a category of "hurting people who hurt people". 

I rather lucked out and my mother ghosted me when I finally had enough of her misrepresentation of a cruelty and unjust assault on my character. A lack of virtues from someone who always believes she is right. I actually feel bad that I feel relieved she's no longer talking to me. But it's still sad.

And this stuff can get worse with a minor stroke - after which, a part of the brain that employs critical reasoning can no longer be accessible. 

It sounds like you need to find another way to explain her irresponsible assault. "No one died and made you G-d" is a go-to of mine. You could send a card and flowers with "I love you and I no longer wish to have your criticism in my life. If you want to change how you treat me, I am willing to meet you half way with a diplomatic party in a therapists office. No matter what I say, you are always right, you hear what you want, and you're careless WORDS suck the life out of me. I really wish you well. " This is harsh. But perhaps it's the only way to get though. 

Being autistic is no excuse to be inconsiderate if not cruel. Most will re-think if one appeals to practical rules of ethics.

Thanks for this.  Most of the awful comments, she claims she believes are advice or teaching moments, but they only usually come out  in times of stress. When she is stressed she fixates on my weight, my appearance and my marital status.  

I'm not saying all her issues are down to autism, but because of her autism, she gets angry and stressed with noise, routine disruption and whenever people are laughing and she doesn't understand the joke.my dad and I share humour, so she often gets agitated if we seem to be having too good a time.

When she gets like that, she picks fights, says bizarre things and fixates on other things that stress her. My sister's house, our dad taking naps, my appearance etc. 

When she's not stressed, she's lovely. She's very smart, volunteers, likes hill walking. 

She is convinced that I am unhappy because I don't l dress in a feminine way and that my relationship is not strong because we are not married, and that my life is unfulfilled because I don't have kids. She wants me to look nice, and find a husband. 

But she says things like, you are so fat, that is terrible for your health and people don't like fat people. You could lose weight if you tried. Then she comments on my meals, my exercise etc. To remind me. She is convinced this is positive, that it is helping me. 

She comments on every outfit, and wants me to stop dressing like a fat boy. I could get a better boyfriend who would marry me if I looked pretty. She says this is ok because I could be pretty. 

She has weird ideas, like since we don't exchange Christmas gifts, my partner will leave me. So I've had to start lying about already buying a gift when I see her wound the holidays. Otherwise it becomes a mission.  

But thank you for your thoughtful response. I have a lot to think about. Her diagnosis was convincing me there may be other ways to handle her, but maybe it doesn't matter. 

Hi, this sounds very tough. I agree that being autistic is no excuse for being hurtful. It sounds like you have already tried many things, including reasoning with her and preparing yourself emotionally. There is no easy solution here but I just want to say that if you decide to break off contact/ cut ties it doesn't have to be permanent. That might take some pressure off- sometimes it can really help to take some distance and it can also help you figure out how you feel about taking some distance- it might also help your mum see how much her comments and behaviour have been affecting you.

From my personal experience taking some distance can help: I actually didn't talk to my mum for a year- It was a very different situation (we were extremely close but probably a bit too close/co-dependent) but in our case having some distance was exactly what we needed- we then slowly took up contact again and now we are extremely close again and talk on a daily basis. My dad can actually also say extremely hurtful things (without meaning to but still) and I often ended up distraught after talking to him- I also ended up cutting off contact for a while and now I am just very careful what topics I discuss with him- there are some things that I just do not mention or talk about as I have learnt that it only causes distress and doesn't help anyone. It's sad but I felt like I had to protect myself. 

Not sure if any of this helps- not sure if it's ok to say this but I keep thinking that trying to do what feels right for you/ what you need at this moment is a good idea- ie doing what feels best for your well being. whatever you decide nothing is permanent. 

Hi, this sounds very tough. I agree that being autistic is no excuse for being hurtful. It sounds like you have already tried many things, including reasoning with her and preparing yourself emotionally. There is no easy solution here but I just want to say that if you decide to break off contact/ cut ties it doesn't have to be permanent. That might take some pressure off- sometimes it can really help to take some distance and it can also help you figure out how you feel about taking some distance- it might also help your mum see how much her comments and behaviour have been affecting you.

From my personal experience taking some distance can help: I actually didn't talk to my mum for a year- It was a very different situation (we were extremely close but probably a bit too close/co-dependent) but in our case having some distance was exactly what we needed- we then slowly took up contact again and now we are extremely close again and talk on a daily basis. My dad can actually also say extremely hurtful things (without meaning to but still) and I often ended up distraught after talking to him- I also ended up cutting off contact for a while and now I am just very careful what topics I discuss with him- there are some things that I just do not mention or talk about as I have learnt that it only causes distress and doesn't help anyone. It's sad but I felt like I had to protect myself. 

Not sure if any of this helps- not sure if it's ok to say this but I keep thinking that trying to do what feels right for you/ what you need at this moment is a good idea- ie doing what feels best for your well being. whatever you decide nothing is permanent.