Better to cut ties or keep fighting over boundaries?

My mother has autism. When she is frustrated with the world she picks on me. She usually starts with the big life choices - job, home, etc. But I like those, so if I don't get upse she moves on. My weight, my clothes/appearance, my volunteering. And if she hasn't made me visibly upset she starts in on how I'm not a good enough partner and my partner will leave me. 

Than, as soon as she feels better, she pretends she didn't say anything, or that I am too sensitive.  

I have spoken to her about boundaries. I say, I do not want to discuss this with you, or that's not your concern etc. I've tried talking when she's cheerful and she always agrees to boundaries, I've tried pointing out that's she's broken boundaries in the moment, and she says she doesnt care, she's my mother, the boundaries are ridiculous. I've tried discussing after things cool down, and she gets upset that I'm still upset. 

I've explained it's the pattern of disrespect that is the hardest, she says there's no pattern. 

Every time I see her, my mental health takes a dive. My therapist helps me prepare and helps me afterwards. But I can't socialise for weeks after seeing her. I'm too stressed. 

She is never going to understand, do I cut ties? Do I explain? Should I just never see her and lie on the phone? 

  • Gosh. Sorry. My mother hasn't bothered to get to know me, either. All while assuming she does.  At one point when I just wasn't responding to her rage and abuse, she asked if I "had Aspergers" as if it was a mental illness with which she could have a free pass to be abusive. And as if she hadn't fed me to the wolves at too young of an age and left me without any ability to get above the poverty line in the States. Even though I managed to land on my feet eventually but not without extreme hardship, never had the kind of money that could've afforded a diagnostic. Here she was, with her next husband, a hot tub and well stocked wine fridge thinking I'm just made of money. Ugh.

    I feel as though I've worked hard to acquire relatively decent problem-solving skills and this type of individual still leaves me entirely perplexed. It must be a personality disposition, add emotionally stunted growth. Confusing 'Parenting' with 'Possession'. We all have a journey, but did her diagnostic confuse Trauma with Autism? Considering that ABA exists which is practiced by assuming Autistics have the same brain wiring as Non-Autistics and this practice is endorsed, add the 'industry' in general continues to misrepresent the fundamentals of Autism. 

    My brother has worked out his own manipulative behaviour techniques to enforce our mother to behave more appropriately around him. But she also respects males more than females. She ghosted me years ago once I snapped. So, I suppose I'm not much of a help. Other than, sending a digital hug and approval. Good for you for choosing your own path. x

  • She's in her 70s.  She is just very formulaic. She always had a clear career path and excelled. She got married in her 20s, and had kids, which brought her a lot of satisfaction. I've seen many people on this site say that parenting became a special interest, and that's essentially what she's doing.  She thinks she's guiding me towards happiness, when instead she's deriding my life and pushing things I don't want. 

    I've pointed this out for years, but she thinks I just don't know what I'm missing, don't have the confidence to achieve it, or I am just being mean to her when I say I don't want the life she has. 

    Because she doesn't really understand people or relationships, she has seen what works for her, and how that was achieved, but doesn't understand, and therefore undervalues alternatives. 

    She worries constantly that I am lonely, so focused on how I could get a boyfriend in high school and a husband afterwards. Now that finally I have a partner, she is constantly worried he will leave me for someone prettier, with a focused career path, or who is tidier. But she can't understand that I was never lonely, and my relationship is fine. 

    She thinks I lie about interests because they are casual or that 8bdont want to share interests with her because I don't always want to do the same activities every time I see her. Yes I like hillwalking, I don't need to go all the time. 

    She doesn't understand most of the jobs I've had, so doesn't value them, and can't understand why I'm not "on a career path". 

    I explain myself to her but she thinks I'm wrong.  

    She is as emotionally mature as a toddler, but it isn't going to change now. 

    In college, I had a support group, all with mother's with autism. Most of the members had eating disorders, but a few of us had more simple anxiety and depression. I'm really just looking for that support online. Where people with the same problems can say, try this, this works for me. 

    For example, emotionally stunted mother keeps saying she wants to be closer, get a TV series to watch weekly and discuss. It's not a real activity, but it's time and it's safe, and it will placate her while also giving you something to talk about what isn't you. 

    But now I'm trying to help my mother through grief, to adjust to retired life, and to plan for the future, and I don't know how to do it because she just focuses on what she believes I am doing wrong and how I could do better. TV show tricks won't work. 

    I am certainly open to clever ideas, but I don't have any. I survived, I got out, I'm financially independent, so I don't spend my nights thinking up strategies anymore. I was hoping other may have some tricks that worked for them. 

    The most recent subreddit group has been inactive for 3 years. 

  • I'm curious how old she is. There's a lot of Very Neurotic (neurotypical) responses here. It could be generational indoctrination. 

    If she's autistic, she might be re-direct-able. Each thing she picks apart here could become a potential 'specialised interest'. All you'd need to do is find more desirable information to send her on a spiral down into.

    The chemicals in food, growth hormones given to animals we consume. Send her into a deep dive on this and maybe she'll rethink commenting on health, redirecting her efforts in protest.

    Or the pursuit of clarity and acceptance of self - amazing women who turned down marriage proposals because they just didn't feel like spending their life catering to and being subjected to someone else. They had too much to do!

    It sounds like her values are skewed 1960/1970 values which stuck women in tight bikinis on space ships and have taken capitalism and filled to holiday stockings of wall street. 

    PRESUMPTION is a big word here, too. There's some bits in the Hebrew Bible on it being very very ill-mannered. and Bad Form doesn't sound like something she wants to be associated with. Push back maybe with a bit of cleverness. It can take a great deal of effort because it will be very emotional for you. Or you could post each problem here and get a community to think around the problem. That might help in a few ways. 

  • Hi, this sounds very tough. I agree that being autistic is no excuse for being hurtful. It sounds like you have already tried many things, including reasoning with her and preparing yourself emotionally. There is no easy solution here but I just want to say that if you decide to break off contact/ cut ties it doesn't have to be permanent. That might take some pressure off- sometimes it can really help to take some distance and it can also help you figure out how you feel about taking some distance- it might also help your mum see how much her comments and behaviour have been affecting you.

    From my personal experience taking some distance can help: I actually didn't talk to my mum for a year- It was a very different situation (we were extremely close but probably a bit too close/co-dependent) but in our case having some distance was exactly what we needed- we then slowly took up contact again and now we are extremely close again and talk on a daily basis. My dad can actually also say extremely hurtful things (without meaning to but still) and I often ended up distraught after talking to him- I also ended up cutting off contact for a while and now I am just very careful what topics I discuss with him- there are some things that I just do not mention or talk about as I have learnt that it only causes distress and doesn't help anyone. It's sad but I felt like I had to protect myself. 

    Not sure if any of this helps- not sure if it's ok to say this but I keep thinking that trying to do what feels right for you/ what you need at this moment is a good idea- ie doing what feels best for your well being. whatever you decide nothing is permanent. 

  • Thanks for this.  Most of the awful comments, she claims she believes are advice or teaching moments, but they only usually come out  in times of stress. When she is stressed she fixates on my weight, my appearance and my marital status.  

    I'm not saying all her issues are down to autism, but because of her autism, she gets angry and stressed with noise, routine disruption and whenever people are laughing and she doesn't understand the joke.my dad and I share humour, so she often gets agitated if we seem to be having too good a time.

    When she gets like that, she picks fights, says bizarre things and fixates on other things that stress her. My sister's house, our dad taking naps, my appearance etc. 

    When she's not stressed, she's lovely. She's very smart, volunteers, likes hill walking. 

    She is convinced that I am unhappy because I don't l dress in a feminine way and that my relationship is not strong because we are not married, and that my life is unfulfilled because I don't have kids. She wants me to look nice, and find a husband. 

    But she says things like, you are so fat, that is terrible for your health and people don't like fat people. You could lose weight if you tried. Then she comments on my meals, my exercise etc. To remind me. She is convinced this is positive, that it is helping me. 

    She comments on every outfit, and wants me to stop dressing like a fat boy. I could get a better boyfriend who would marry me if I looked pretty. She says this is ok because I could be pretty. 

    She has weird ideas, like since we don't exchange Christmas gifts, my partner will leave me. So I've had to start lying about already buying a gift when I see her wound the holidays. Otherwise it becomes a mission.  

    But thank you for your thoughtful response. I have a lot to think about. Her diagnosis was convincing me there may be other ways to handle her, but maybe it doesn't matter. 

  • Autistics tend to be more analytical. They don't seek out pattens, they accidentally see them. 

    As I tell my son, as my father has told me, We analyse things not people. 

    I don't know too many autistics who actually enjoy shredding others to such degree. Gossip and this intensity of destruction followed by a complete lack of sympathy and an inability to recount what was said do not sound like autistic traits. But she could have a wealth of insurmountable trauma. She could be in a category of "hurting people who hurt people". 

    I rather lucked out and my mother ghosted me when I finally had enough of her misrepresentation of a cruelty and unjust assault on my character. A lack of virtues from someone who always believes she is right. I actually feel bad that I feel relieved she's no longer talking to me. But it's still sad.

    And this stuff can get worse with a minor stroke - after which, a part of the brain that employs critical reasoning can no longer be accessible. 

    It sounds like you need to find another way to explain her irresponsible assault. "No one died and made you G-d" is a go-to of mine. You could send a card and flowers with "I love you and I no longer wish to have your criticism in my life. If you want to change how you treat me, I am willing to meet you half way with a diplomatic party in a therapists office. No matter what I say, you are always right, you hear what you want, and you're careless WORDS suck the life out of me. I really wish you well. " This is harsh. But perhaps it's the only way to get though. 

    Being autistic is no excuse to be inconsiderate if not cruel. Most will re-think if one appeals to practical rules of ethics.

  • Hiya,

    sounds like a really tricky situation, i am sorry that you have to experience that

    her autism doesn't give her the right to upset you, especially as it's constant and you have tried speaking to her about it.

    I think you should tell her that you need a break. that's not cutting ties, but you are still stepping away and looking after your own mental health. but that's just my opinion and i can see why you would continue with your battle

  • It has gotten worse because I'm not used to it anymore. Growing up, it happened constantly, so I just felt bad about myself all the time. Now that ibhaave my own life, where people are kind and considerate, and I have things I enjoy like hobbies and work, it hits me harder.  

    Partly, now that I know what good relationships and non-anxiousbmomenrs are, heading back is like sticking your hand back in the flame, now that you understand that it will burn. 

  • I have managed anxiety, but am considered neuro typical. 

  • The not being able to socialise for weeks after is quite a big reaction.

  • Do you have an anxiety condition or also autism yourself?