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Constantly fighting due to difference in communication

MsZ

Hi all, 

My partner is autistic, I thought I was prepared to deal with it as my father is also on the spectrum but I'm finding I am unprepared. I'm open, honest and generally try my best to communicate my needs and never have him 'guess' but I'm also pretty emotional and feel things very deeply. When I try to communicate how something made me feel, upset me or what I need he gets very defensive and feels I've attacked him. I'm struggling how to communicate my needs or feelings without him taking it this way. I always state things as 'I feel', 'Maybe I've misunderstood/there's been a miscommunication' and if it's something where I know he's done nothing wrong but I'm feeling a certain way and just need to understand better, I say that.

I think I'm aware of we have different ways of showing things and processing things, autism or no so I try to discuss and understand these differences to prevent me assuming things and taking it personally but he gets defensive and snaps, I get emotional which then frustrates him and worsens things (I cry very easily unfortunately). We both care very deeply for each other but we just keep hitting this wall in communication and I'm lost. I can't not raise things or show my emotions, I've tried but maybe it's the ADHD, it eats at me and he can tell something is up and saying 'it's nothing' will obviously just make him more anxious when it's honestly some small thing. I also don't like letting small things fester into big things. He's not used to 'brutal, open honesty' and I don't know how to compromise/make it more accessible for him.

  • I'm afraid I have no advice to offer but I can empathise with your situation, having recently found myself in a slightly similar situation... Both of us Autistic, but friction because the way we communicated and expressed ourselves was different, resulting in misunderstandings. In short, I think we both felt like we were under attack from the other, so found ourselves on the defensive and going around in circles trying to justify ourselves.

  • Have you tried emailing or writing some of these conversations or points? Sometimes that takes the feeling of confrontation out. 

    I also sugges maybe make lists and share, what you're willing to do to accommodate the other, and what you absolutely need from the other one. Not what you'd like, but what you need. Putting it on paper helps keep things calm, and can get you to a starting point. 

    Check out the advice column of Dan Savage. He talks about the price of admission - the things that aren't going to change about your partner. Is your relationship worth the price of admission? Do you want to stay together even if when you cry, it's met with aggression? Maybe, maybe you can get to a point where you can remove yourself for a few moments and collect yourself, and he can respect you need time to do that. We all have to learn to argue with our partners without making it cruel. You want to be finding a better understanding or better plan in an argument, not competing for points  But it sounds like emotive discussions are not possible for him, or he would have accepted your compromise. So you need to decide if that's a deal breaker.

  • I am autistic with neurotypical wife. What she tends to do is break down any emotional problems she is having into practical requests. If she has had a bad day at work she will say so and if she wants a hug she will ask for one, and I will oblige. Autistics tend to be good at practicalities, so instead of saying "I feel,,,", try saying "I feel ... and this is what I would like you to do to make me feel better".