Feel lost in how to communicate with husband who has Autism

My ex left me when I was 40, ending 10  year long relationship, I loved her all the time, few months later I fall apart

your husband looks like me from that time

I think I finally found out why it happened 

watch this video www.youtube.com/watch

I had a total mental breakdown when I was 41, 6 weeks off I couldn't even leave bed, than barely existed unable to cope with most of things I had to do, finally I was diagnosed at 42, and begun understanding myself and rebuilding myself from scratch, once broken you can't just get over it, when you realise why you don't fit, it takes time, I'm 43 now, at last feeling confident enough and making things work again, building new routines, and to communicate my needs, but still any outside pressure is a big no, I just can't take even a bit of it anymore, I continue getting better for a month now I did not have a day when I couldn't leave bed

I had lots of meaningless activities that were like a routine, that started as a means to relax, similar to collect in Pokemon. that continued on even after breakdown, I was holding onto last bits of old life. It took me a while to stop them, they were eating to much of my time. now I avoid playing games that can turn into routine because the game is designed that way, it's a trap for autistic man

My friends kept watching over me so I don't do anything stupid, and so I had someone to talk and spill out what ailed me, but I leave alone, they were just coming over.

Is there anyway that you can get an autistic specialist to do some couples counselling? 

You do not deserve to be treated like that. 

You ask "Do you think our relationship is ending?" you are asking strangers who do not know you a very personal question. People on here are nice but you get prats on here too like all social media so you are putting that question into strangers hands!

You are best to go and see a counsellor with regards to the questions you are asking. Also, you sound like you might be a little bit on the spectrum yourself, women are harder to spot as we often come across as NT. 

If it is worse than what you are saying, then ask for advice via social services, or an autistic specialist. 

You deserve to be happy. 

But asking strange people on what is like social media platform is not going to help a lot, especially when strange people will give you bizarre answers which is always the case. They could upset or confuse you further. 

So first step is get yourself some counselling, and also if things are pretty bad then the social services/autistic specialist. 

You need to be happy and not being upset all the time. 

Thank you so much for your reply. I am going to discuss this with my husband as the way you describe having ADHD is something I can see happens to my husband. I really appreciate your honesty and I feel you will do really well with your pip application as you explain yourself really well. I think your a bit like my husband in that you don't give yourself enough credit in all that you do. Life for him isn't easy as I am sure is the same for you. I realize writing here that my husband is working through things he finds it hard to express. When he got his diagnosis I thought maybe there was certain things we could do to help him express himself so I thought coming here might give me help so I can help him. So thank you for all you have written as I do feel I have a bit more understanding as to how life is for him as we all experience it differently. Wishing you well. 

Thank you for your reply your insight has been really helpful. In any relationship communication is a massive factor. Especially when it involves raising a family together. After a year of being on the recieving end of his anger everytime I approached the subject of filling out his form I decided to ask for help here. As for him disappearing for two hours in the morning playing Pokémon this was actually quite scary as I didn't know where he was and didn't have an answer to give my young children when they where asking me where he was. I don't give a hoot that he plays Pokémon as it's something my children and him have a great time playing. It just might have been less of an anxiety trip for me that day if he had of let me know what he was doing. I have some great advice here. Thank you. 

Firstly, I would have to say that no diagnosis will help anyone overcome obstacles related to ASD. What will happen in time, is acceptance, and then a subsequent change of lifestyle to suit one’s self, and not one which is expected of them.

Secondly, I feel that your husband may be struggling with working almost full time. For anyone else, a day off in the week is super, and you can use the time effectively to get things done,  but for him, it would probably mean time out to recharge. So asking him to do a very hard and tiresome task in this day possibly isn’t the best idea. 
He is gaming and doing his own things in the evenings as a means to escape and cope. He isn’t choosing to do this to get away from anyone, or put off doing the things that need attention.

I would suggest that you see if he can spend 10 or 15 minutes doing the most important thing (the paperwork?) after he has chilled out for a few hours. Break the task down so it isn’t so overwhelming for him.

I didn’t get your point about no one would believe you. What did you mean? That he came in after collecting Pokémon? Because I don’t actually see a problem. He is an adult after all, and can come and go as he pleases. Or maybe it’s the fact it’s a seen as a kids game? I don’t know. There’s a lot to learn for both of you. He isn’t NT and never will be, and likes what he likes. 

Regarding your relationship, I don’t think it’s broken or ending. Your husband needs to start assessing his life, and finding out what helps him, and what isn’t working. He may not realise he needs help with certain executive tasks, or might not want to ask for help, as he may feel like he’s too dependent on you and feel bad about it. 
Please also remember that he is only shouting and getting worked up because he is overwhelmed and struggling. It isn’t anything to do with you, it’s just that you are there at that moment, or it’s you asking him to do something difficult. Please be patient with him, but ensure you explain how this makes you feel, and how you are worried about your relationship, and that you are willing to work with him to smooth the way for a brighter future.

I can relate to this a bit, possibly from his side of things.

I was diagnosed at 49 after years of feeling overworked, overwhelmed, misunderstood etc. I was diagnosed with ADHD shortly after.

On top of that I also display a personality trait called Alexithymia. This is basically an inability to recognise or distinguish emotional and even bodily sensations. This means I don't really know how I feel and my emotional range is neutral, ok, and negative. When I got confused or frustrated the only outlet I really understood was anger.

The ADHD causes huge problems with mood, motivation, focus, planning, prioritising etc. so even though I spend a lot of time doing nothing, there is never enough time to get things done, or everything takes too long and I get frustrated.

It's an executive functioning problem for me, but there are so many chasms/obstacles that it's difficult to action things, even if it looks very different to an outside observer.

These issues have caused many difficulties throughout my life, particularly inappropriate responses to things/people because I don't feel much in the way of empathy. I am not really able to fulfill people's emotional needs, but will not always understand why what I have done or said is wrong.

I also will not understand when people are trying to help me but I interpret it as harassment instead.

I've been with my partner a long time and she has endured plenty of problems thanks to me.

The diagnoses helped me quite a bit but I still have difficulties. I try very hard to regulate myself for the sake of my partner and children, but it can be difficult at times.

One thing that helped me was to reduce how many days I work, but that comes with another cost, more time on my hands to get distracted, and less money. But I don't have to deal with stressors as often. Less overwhelm.

Sorry if this is a bit incoherent. I'm also applying for PIP and so  trying to understand and explain myself is a whole new ordeal, something I've put off for a long time.

Although I can't give you any particular advice, I believe the relationship isn't dead if the right communication and effort is implemented. But it might not be easy.

I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour, but it might be something he isn't fully aware of, or isn't able to fully control.

I know I don't always want to be having my problems, and even though I am aware of many of them, working around them can be very very hard.

Thank you can I ask was the professional help you got from a charity? 

Thank you I can tell he is overwhelmed and want to help him but I don't know how maybe filling in the form for him will be the best thing. I had a conversation with him just now and he opened up about how stressful everyday life is at the moment. I think your right he has been juggling for years to fit into a neurotypical world. He works four days a week and has Wednesday off. I am going to suggest to him to maybe think of this day as the one we get necessary things sorted. Maybe this way of thinking will take the pressure off him. Thank you,  your words have helped me so much. 

Oh- this is good to know!!

I had to deal with Admin myself; when caring for my Grandmother. No one else in the house could have done it, then; my brother was still a kid at the time.

However, my PIP application forms were filled professionally.

Ok wow. I’m autistic and absolutely understand the issue with time and extreme difficulty dealing with anything administrative but this sounds a bit irresponsible. 

I have a son. I navigate as best I can. It is valuable to take a whole day off once a week, but we do this so we can be responsible.

Id fill out the forms and leave a pen for him to sign. Do what you need to do for yourself and children. I don’t know what else is happening and there could be a great deal of miscommunication or he’s suddenly snapped after 40 years of trying to be NeuroTypical… I have a feeling other men here who are autistic may give some helpful insight.