Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I finally realised that I’m autistic in December, I was fine about it for a couple of weeks and doing a lot of research. I then one day had an unexpected appointment thrust upon me which caused one of the worst meltdowns that I have ever had. It was the full 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. I couldn’t get out of bed for 48 hours. That was six months ago, since then I’ve just been constantly tired and have no interest in anything, I’m self employed and just can’t engage with my work. It’s as if I’m drowning. I’ve been processing every thought of the last 50 years, I seem to fit adhd as well, my mind is always at Mach 2, I have never been able to sit still and anxiety is 24/7. I’m on the waiting list for an asd assessment, not knowing the time span is driving me mad, I’m actually thinking of selling the family house so I can get a private assessment. I’ve cut down on work as I can’t manage taking very much at the moment. I tried antidepressants but felt no different. Any ideas people?
Hi Roy,
From your message it is clear that your mind is racing with trying to process this. In essence nothing has changed - you are still the same person, the idea of diagnosis and diagnosis itself does not fundamentally change who you are. I do understand though that the thought of this is changing how you view yourself and your life. I think you need to slow down, take a breath and don’t make any sudden decisions about selling your house. Getting a diagnosis more quickly is unlikely to provide with much in many ways. I think the security of owning your own home will provide you with more comfort that a diagnosis will. Nothing massively changes in any practical terms with a diagnosis. I would strongly advise you against selling your family home to go to a private therapist. Bear in mind you might not even GET a diagnosis. And then you would deeply regret selling your home.
I think you need to give yourself time to slow down and to think. Practice whatever soothing and reassuring measures you can to get yourself to a calmer, more considered state of mind. Put off making any important decisions. Rest. Do you have support from family or friends? Is there someone you are close to who can help you work through this?
Hi Kate, Thank you for your kind reply. I’ve messaged my GP to get an idea of how long the waiting list is in my area. It’s just the not knowing that affects me. The house to be honest is now too big for us , the children have grown up and moved out and I have always struggled to make enough money to pay all the outgoings. It seems to take me twice as long to do anything, I never charge enough, I always have this feeling of low worth. If we slightly downsize we can live mortgage free which would make my life a lot less stressful. I think you are right that I’m still trying to process the last 50+ years. Finally knowing that there are other people out there who are the same as me has been a help and a shock. I hope that being able to work less and being a bit kinder to myself will help me. The last 50 years have been like running a marathon and all you see is people running past you. Thanks for listening.
Kind Regards Roy.