Published on 12, July, 2020
My wife complains that I don't listen to her until things get so bad that she shouts and/or cries.
I know I can listen, and listen well. I used to be a listening volunteer for the Samaritans, and had no issues listening then. As far as I can tell, the difference is that at Samaritans, I'd put myself in "listening mode" before picking up the phone. We always let it ring a few times before picking up, and we'd use that time to prepare ourselves.
It seems that if I don't consciously get myself ready to listen, I don't really listen, which causes problems.
I've only recently realised that I'm autistic. I've seen advice about helping autistic people do things, but they all seem to revolve around writing down instructions and putting them where they'll be seen at the relevant time. But I can't know in advance when I'll need to properly listen, so that doesn't seem very helpful.
Does anyone have any advice or ideas?
Have a chat with her, and tell her, if you have to have a chat with me on something important to you anything at all. Please can you tell me in advance and give me some notice so that I can have a little time to prepare. I want to give you my full attention, but I need a little bit of time to prepare, so agree with her on a suitable time for her. It could be 5 minutes, 10 minutes she might ask to speak to you about the matter on another day when she has more time. You could even have a spot in your home that is comfortable for listening. Perhaps you have a table and two chairs you can sit around instead of a sofa. And that might help you get more focused.
Also try to stop using social media , or checking your phone every five mins, give things your attention. For example if you read books then read for a set time without going on social media. Allocated some time in the day for online stuff, for example an hour a day to sit on line. And the rest of the time just being off line. That helps with focus.
You do sound like a good person as you are obviously worried that you are not being helpful to your wife.
so have a chat with her and try to make that arrangement. And she can also tell you in advance what the main topic of conversation will be about. But do be prepared for that topic to lead to other topics in that one discussion.
We talked earlier this week, and she's going to try to remember to tell me when it's important.
We'll see how it goes, but I'm hopeful