Am I alone in being alone? It feels that way even on here

I've been meaning to start a thread on this for ages, but in a way it's such a big hang-up that I kept delaying it. Bur firemonkey's thread about fitting in has prompted me to have a go at putting some words together on the subject. Because this particular thing often makes me feel disproportionately alone/singular on a forum despite statistics I've seen elsewhere indicating that I shouldn't be. 

The statistic in question: That 44% of 'high-functioning' autistic people are in relationships, and 56% are not. 

When I read that about four months ago, it took a lot of the sense of societal pressure I'd been feeling momentarily off me, as I realised that I'm (within autistic circles) not only less of a minority than I'd be in society generally (where about 16% are in the mid-to long-term single camp at any one time, and about 5% have no real relationship history to speak of), but even part of a majority - the people who (at any given moment at any rate) are autistic and single. Presumably meaning that there's a core constituency of the long-term single somewhat larger than that NT-normative 5%-16% spectrum that I just mentioned.  

So, when I came on here, I expected to see - comfortingly - others like me. Been on their own most of their life, live alone, and so on. 

But nearly everybody on here who initially talks about not connecting well with people, struggling in society, needing a lot of solitude etc. will at some point casually reference a partner, spouse, children. The disconnect always feels strange to me. How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation? 

I'm aware that that could almost sound like I'm trying to be derogatory about some (overall - life is complicated) lovely - hopefully!- situations for people that in fact I wish them only well with. But, like firemonkey felt about the employment stats/forum as 'proxy' situation (see the 'Not at all sure...' thread), I have an equivalent thing with the above that makes me feel very odd man out, when in theory that 54% weighting towards the contrary should be more detectably present here. 

Am I wrong about that? One factor I should bear in mind is that coupled-up people  (sometimes including 'living apart together's and so on) usually broadcast in real life a continuous hard signal (explicit information about that - wedding ring, who they're walking about with etc.) whereas the unmarried but in a relationship people and the truly single people are - when on solo trips out and about - blended together in complete and equal  ambiguity - either status is completely undetectable at face value unless accompanied by children or somesuch. So you have to rely on probability theory to feel not anomalous when out and about. Eg. in a supermarket with 100 adults in it, 16 of them are in theory invisibly single, as I am (hope that makes sense!). Similarly, online - and very naturally - in referring to their life, a significant other, or children (the two not necessarily going together of course), or perhaps (as - I was sorry to hear - in fremonkey's case) being a widow -  a coupled-up person soon confirms themselves as such. But that seems to be nearly everyone on here, and I can't make the evidence square adequately with the statistic in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a strange outlier that even many on here would look at as a bit weird for not fitting into the norm more in at least (as if it was so easy!) that respect. It feels kind of lonely, and that a cosmic joke constantly has the objective truth of things hidden in my blind-spot, no matter what mental gymnastics or research I put myself through. 

If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!) I'd appreciate that, as right now I feel like an alien even among aliens. And feeling so just a tiny bit less would be nice(r).

Parents
  • constantly reacting in puzzlement

    I was in one only boyriend-girlfriend relationship for 10 year, puzzled all the time, but by the question 'Why I can't make it work?'. It was before I was diagnosed.

    I made 2 friends before and 1 after diagnosed, and that's  about limit for me.

    I suppose that specifically is not contradictory to be being autistic, but different for each of us. More like NTs, unlike other traits. So I'm not sure if I would clasify desire for loneliness as autistic trait. Inability to avoid it, yes, is definitely autistic.

Reply
  • constantly reacting in puzzlement

    I was in one only boyriend-girlfriend relationship for 10 year, puzzled all the time, but by the question 'Why I can't make it work?'. It was before I was diagnosed.

    I made 2 friends before and 1 after diagnosed, and that's  about limit for me.

    I suppose that specifically is not contradictory to be being autistic, but different for each of us. More like NTs, unlike other traits. So I'm not sure if I would clasify desire for loneliness as autistic trait. Inability to avoid it, yes, is definitely autistic.

Children
  • Hi Mariusz. May I follow up on this? Again, just trying to limit unintended ambiguities. When you say 'for ten years', do you mean that the relationship lasted for a decade? Or that in the past ten years you had one one brief relationship? The reason I ask is that you mentioned in another thread that you have had sex 'once' (as in on one occasion I think? Not 'once' as in 'a thing of the past') - I think it was you, apologies if I've misremembered- and while I appreciate that intimacy without sex in a meaningful relationship is entirely possible and healthy with the right people, I suppose it made me want to re-check what form your relationship took and if it did indeed last ten years. Hopefully I'm not sounding too intensely over-fixated here, I just find that unresolved ambiguities in real life (I enjoy them in fiction and art, sometimes a little less so in real life!) tend to consume me a fair bit, and this one came back into my head three months after you mentioned it.  Feel free to ignore if this just sounds nuts.