Hello everyone,
I am currently awaiting an assessment (I've been told over 2 years at least) but I'm fairly certain it will come back as autistic. I'm still coming to terms with what that means to me, and leading up to my referral I was repeatedly trying tests online, which lead me to realise I had aphantasia (I can't form pictures in my mind like other people can), which was disconcerting, and since then I have also discovered I have alexithymia (difficulty identifying feelings/emotions) and SDAM (difficulty reliving/experiencing past events)
Of the three, the alexithymia has been the most difficult to come to terms with - I find myself questioning whether it is a more recent change or if I have been that way all my life and simply didn't realise it - although it seems like quite a significant thing to not realise (although it was quite a shock to realise it when I did, so I was not aware of it, or not the extent at which it seems to be)
I think this is the main one I am also having the most difficulties with right now - I'm not sure how it is for others, but for me, I can sense something is not right - in some ways I am having to extrapolate from the outcome (I'm shouting so I must be angry/frustrated, I'm crying so I must be upset) but I can't directly identify the emotions/feelings or their causes, so I'm stuck trying to guess/figure out. Most specifically is that I am concerned that I am not fully realising the extent of things getting to me currently and I am at a loss as to what to do when I cannot even put into words what it is or why.
I'm not too comfortable going into much detail, but I'm not good at the whole social thing - I have two friends in the local area (though technically one friend group, so I'm more on the outside) - as I understand it, it isn't a conventional friendship (is there such a thing?) and there are a number of expectations/demands on me that can be a heavy strain at times (I'm not good at standing up for myself - I try too hard to please and I'm paranoid about losing the friendship so I do all I can to keep things going smoothly - this in turn seems to set expectations that I inevitably fall short of and even for circumstances beyond my control, I find myself blamed for being unable to meet expectations.
I have spoken to a professional before I made the above discoveries and before I considered I was autistic - those discussions reached an impasse as their solutions were for me to expand my socialising (help me to find new friends) which I simply was not comfortable, or even felt able to do. Through my whole life I can count on one hand the number of "proper" friends I've had (locally - not internet-based), and in each case, they have made friends with me, not the other way around - I simply don't know how to make friends, and I certainly can't start up conversations with strangers. I don't go out to socialise unless my friends arrange something, which has been much less frequent with the pandemic and also with a recent situation affecting them. I haven't spoken to them about my referral for an autism assessment because the recent situation (serious) has taken precedence and I'm concerned that speaking about it will be seen as trivialising their ongoing serious situation by raising something that's comparatively not serious (I don't know if I'm reading too much into how I expect they'll react, but I'd sooner not take the risk, especially if I need their support with this moving forward)
That said, I also have a questionnaire sent from the assessors to be filled out by a family member and I'm uncertain how to discuss things with my family either - I was hoping to discuss it with my friends first and take it from there... I guess a 2+ year wait gives me time to figure that part out at least.
Really, what I think I need advice on mostly is the alexithymia side of things and how best to proceed given that I can't say with absolute certainty that something is wrong, but it sure feels like I'm close to breaking point, yet I cannot interrogate any feelings/emotions pertaining to it. I only seem to get brief moments of near clarity on that general sense but not the specifics, and I guess I just want to get a handle on it before something breaks.
I hope that all makes sense, and I hope I haven't rambled too much - I would appreciate any input anyone is willing to offer.
