A wasted life

My mother was severely mentally I'll she's dead but I'm still traumatised by it even to this Day 

Day in day out being screamed at

Been there done that. They only STOP screaming at you when you refuse to accept it any longer..

(You walk away, you don't kill them) 

IF you've been screamed at a lot as a kid, you get stuck in that pattern where you get used to it, and when you enter a more normal situation where people don't scream at you, it's alien! 

It does sound like you are 35 and have a house to live in. That is a huge start.

Give yourself a bit of time to find yourself. There is PLENTY to get depressed about in modern life, but there are also plenty of nice things to enjoy, and things to create and grow yourself.

If you are living alone, and feeling lonely, as many of us Autists end up doing, Number 1 thing I'd do is get a cat (Or a dog if you are happy to take it for walks and exert more effort and expenditure into a dogs care than you'd put into a cat) You get a fresh start at forming loving relationships with an animal, and cats are darn good teachers.

If your life is screwed, and mine has been several times now, there are two ways you can exert control, I've found. And the one I select on any given day, depends on my state of mind. 

1. If I am truly depressed, or angry, or just hating my life, and "I just can't win" and "I've had enough" I opt out of the struggle by sleeping. When I wake up I consider option 2, and if it isn't yet attractive I sleep some more until it is!

2. I try and "make things better". You'll swiftly find out, (if you don't know already) from this forum, that the normie world is extremely hard and deceptive, and those people who aren't actively pursuing a predator lifestyle are on the run from those who are, ad just waiting for "their chance" to get "on top". (even if it means treading on YOU to get there). So it's our job (we see the mess more clearly, therefore it's our JOB) to make things better. 

Now this "making things better" business is not easy to do, especially for yourself as an Autist. I started small. I realised that it is often easier to actually help someone else have a better day than it is to help myself. (You just have to find someone who has a limitation that you have not, or is struggling with a situation or problem than you know how to solve). Admittedly you will find that a few people LIKE having and complaining about their "problems", but an awful lot of people are really grateful if they are struggling with something an you step in politely with a bit of grace and offer them a bit of help. The important thing is to always be successful helping others, only offer if you are darn sure you have what they need.

For yourself, there is always a trade off between following the pervasive and deep programming that society inflicts on us subliminally to be "helpless" and outsource our thinking and personal autonomy to other more "qualified" types or actually taking action ourselves.. I found I liked being clean and tidy more than I liked having the "freedom" to be slovenly some days, yet other days I could not be bothered.     

I'm sorry I have to stop now, but I hope there is something you can use there.  

I was at a Christian sermon, yesterday evening, and his advice was, "Watch your tongue." 

Good advice I wish I were better at taking myself. These days I try to parlay a weakness (over loquacity) into a strength (passing on what I know that is useful). It's a bit of a tightrope act.

Good advice I wish I were better at taking myself. These days I try to parlay a weakness (over loquacity) into a strength (passing on what I know that is useful). It's a bit of a tightrope act.