Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I have been advised to have an autism assessment. It completely threw me. I have depression and anxiety which isn't responding to anything, and it was suggested to me that I might be autistic.
I then started looking into ASD, and there are some things that fit, but not all.
Terrified of social events, so I don't attend. If I don't know people I have zero confidence in approaching and starting a conversation. Yet, at work I get along with my colleagues without issues (but still choose not to socialise with them outside of work).
Do notice minute details, and point out incorrect things. Sensitive to loud noise, and struggle to concentrate with to much noise.
As a child I had friends, did role play, had an imagination, knew to take turns, made eye contact, was early to talk, walk, no issues with development, didn't have obsessions or collect things, didn't have any repetitive movements. Played sports. I did take things literally.
As a teenager I experienced some bullying, and hid in the bathrooms at recess ro avoid further bullying, and the thought of trying to join another friendship group was to much. Then moved countries, had the best of times, socialised, had friends.
Went to Uni. Ended up exercising 6 plus hours a day, stopped going to social nights out, abandoned swim club in favour of solitary exercise. I felt put of place, and socially awkward.
Since uni have zero social life, no close friends since high school, suffer greatly from depression and anxiety, relied on medication, but that is no longer effective.
And now, I have the 'do I have autism?' thrown in, and it has sent me into turmoil. I didn't think I did, then read a book or two of people's personal stories, and find myself thinking, parts of their writing could be me.
Have others with poor mental health had late diagnosis of autism? Did it help you? Are there other people who got through life until 40 years old with no suggestion that they may be autism, have it suggested or thought they might have?
"...until 40". Lol. Try 56
Yep! And if I didn't have an acute phobic disorder (my case madical/body), I'd have gone to my grave never knowing. Actually, diagnoses of dyslexia, dyspraxia and Autism (along with ADD/ADHD, all related) are rife amongst my younger cousins. Listening to my parents talk about older relatives now departed, it's clear a lot of them had this too and never knew.
Number one: you are taking one of the three adult routes to finding out. Story normally goes either a) you have a diagnosed kid and realise you are too b) you read/hear about the lives of autistic people and realise you are too c) like us - you smack head long into an MH problem which defies conventional treatment and oooops! Ahhh! Ok, someone should have spotted that before...errr ASD
Number two: you don't have to have every trait ever known in autism to meet the criteria for being on the Spectrum, to be on the Spectrum. In the wise words of Tony Attwood "If you've met one person with Asperger's, you've met ONE person with Asperger's". We're all different. And well, you'll have to wait for your assessment and I'm not a clinical psychologist, but errrr what you are describing sounds pretty Aspie to me. Go talk to your relatives, dig out your school reports and read the bios of other autistic people...you'll probably find a ton more evidence ahead of your assessment.
Number three: Yes, Yes, Yes! Diagnosis is worth it at our age. You'll find all sorts of tricks to make your life easier, have your whole life validated and get to grips with the why of who and what you are. Embrace it! It feels good.
Number four: just know there's absolutely nothing whatever wrong with you! Autism isn't a disease to be cured or a sign of any defect in you. It's like being LGBTQ or left handed (both of which more common on the Spectrum btw), it's just a different way of being. Once you know that, you can love you, and find alternate ways to navigate the neurotupical world - or ditch the 'mask' and ignore the NT world - your choice. There are no pre-set rules. Make your own.
Number five: ...anxiety, depression? Yeah, been there. Feeling you. But those issues might suddenly look a bit different through the lense of autism. Autism isn't the cause of our suffering. Trying to live a neurodivergent life in an NT world which isn't designed for us and doesn't understand us is.
Good luck :-)