HI Guys
My first time on here and I would value your thoughts and any advice.
I have a 29 year old son, un-diagnosed, and it is fair to say that the last 18 months we have been put through the mill, well me mainly, been feeling extremely upset and hurt ...... we used to have a very good relationship and were close.
My son is a very clever man with a very good memory. He did well at school, wasn't much of a mixer, kids used to call for him to go out but he preferred to stay in his room, they didn't come any more ......... He used to write lots of lists and any topic he is interested in, he researches in depth. He was part of Beavers and Cubs but never wanted to go on to Scouts, the kids were that much bigger and louder - it seems that he has always had this bubble and can't seem to go any further. He applied to go to Uni and part way through pulled out. He belonged to a rugby club, he was a good player although was never vocal on the pitch, he made several friends there and they have remained his friends. He has never been one for a lot of hype, e.g. being in a pub he would not make eye contact with any rowdy groups. Up until 18 months ago, I just regarded him as someone exceptionally clever that was a bit of a loner, him saying he likes his own company.
He has OCD, washing his hands and won't touch door handles. He went to see a psychologist a few years back and was diagnosed with anxiety, borderline depression then.
He has worked in credit control for several years and to be honest it isn't really what he wants to do. Anyway, going forward, COVID hit! Hewas the only one in his section that didn't get any furlough and had work piled on him. I noticed a change in him and was generally concerned about him. I told him just to do what he could and not to bust a gut for them. He started to look into something that he really wanted to do, computer science. We looked into him going to university, he did his research and it was evident that he would have to do a 1 year access course. He got onto this, no trouble at all and enrolled. I thought finally, he is on his way, he went the first day, rang me and said there were alarm bells ringing all over the place, he came home, we discussed it, he said it wasnt organised very well and he decided he was going in the next day to quit, and he did. I don't think I will ever know the real reason for it, I'm guessing it was his OCD or as I am maybe now thinking, does he have Aspergers/is Autistic?
I have wondered if he has had a breakdown. It became apparent that I couldnt seem to say or do anything right, our relationship was breaking down and some of the things he has said have been very hurtful. His bedroom is a tip. In the meantime, a new lad joined his group of friends and said to him "you are an asperger's kind of guy" and excuse me when I say this, his friend told him he knew he wasn't wired up right but he still wanted him as his friend.. He asked me what asperger's was and I know he would have looked into it in depth.
We have had some heated conversations with him at times and we have approached the subject of aspergers but I honestly can't remember what he said about that. He has made comments before like "you don't get me, you never have" and when we have had an argument he has told me to go away and leave him alone for a few days, is that a meltdown? He doesn't like to be touched, doesnt show empathy.
3 months before Christmas he dropped it on us he was off to America for Christmas and New Year. He had met a girl on-line. Naturally we were concerned because we knew nothing of this. Don't think he understands that good parents will always worry about their children, no matter how old they are. Communication broke down until just before he left to go. I was advised to take a back seat, which I did, because it became too upsetting and his dad spoke with him. I expressed my concerns/worries about him to members of the family and funnily enough they all had thought for some time that there was something different about him but had never said anything and one indicated they thought he was autistic. His brother and dad approached the subject of counselling for when he got back and he said he would go.
He came back and has refused to go! The relationship is still going on and unless he is at work, he spends most of his time in his room. While I am pleased he has found someone, I wish it was on this side of the pond and with the extreme highs and lows a long distance relationship brings, I am not sure it will mentally do him any favours, it is not the real world but I have kept that to myself. It has been mentally draining, we are trying to rebuild things, we are not like we were before but we are better than we were since this all happened. He confides in his brother but he is now finding it mentally draining and feels he is going round in circles with him and we both know he has been telling some porky pies.
I love him to bits.
Phew, that was a long one. I was advised to come on here really for your thoughts, help, advice on any aspect of this.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Teresa
