• Replies 13 replies
  • Subscribers 84 subscribers
  • Views 2232 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Your views would be appreciated!

NAS78185

HI Guys

My first time on here and I would value your thoughts and any advice.

I have a 29 year old son, un-diagnosed, and it is fair to say that the last 18 months we have been put through the mill, well me mainly, been feeling extremely upset and hurt ...... we used to have a very good relationship and were close.

My son is a very clever man with a very good memory. He did well at school, wasn't much of a mixer, kids used to call for him to go out but he preferred to stay in his room, they didn't come any more ......... He used to write lots of lists and any topic he is interested in, he researches in depth. He was part of Beavers and Cubs but never wanted to go on to Scouts, the kids were that much bigger and louder - it seems that he has always had this bubble and can't seem to go any further. He applied to go to Uni and part way through pulled out. He belonged to a rugby club, he was a good player although was never vocal on the pitch, he made several friends there and they have remained his friends.  He has never been one for a lot of hype, e.g. being in a pub he would not make eye contact with any rowdy groups.  Up until 18 months ago, I just regarded him as someone exceptionally clever that was a bit of a loner, him saying he likes his own company.

He has OCD, washing his hands and won't touch door handles.  He went to see a psychologist a few years back and was diagnosed with anxiety, borderline depression then.

He has worked in credit control for several years and to be honest it isn't really what he wants to do.  Anyway, going forward, COVID hit! Hewas the only one in his section that didn't get any furlough and had work piled on him.  I noticed a change in him and was generally concerned about him. I told him just to do what he could and not to bust a gut for them. He started to look into something that he really wanted to do, computer science.  We looked into him going to university, he did his research and it was evident that he would have to do a 1 year access course.  He got onto this, no trouble at all and enrolled.  I thought finally, he is on his way, he went the first day, rang me and said there were alarm bells ringing all over the place, he came home, we discussed it, he said it wasnt organised very well and he decided he was going in the next day to quit, and he did.  I don't think I will ever know the real reason for it, I'm guessing it was his OCD or as I am maybe now thinking, does he have Aspergers/is Autistic?

I have wondered if he has had a breakdown. It became apparent that I couldnt seem to say or do anything right, our relationship was breaking down and some of the things he has said have been very hurtful.  His bedroom is a tip. In the meantime, a new lad joined his group of friends and said to him "you are an asperger's kind of guy" and excuse me when I say this, his friend told him he knew he wasn't wired up right but he still wanted him as his friend..  He asked me what asperger's was and I know he would have looked into it in depth.

We have had some heated conversations with him at times and  we have approached the subject of aspergers but I honestly can't remember what he said about that.  He has made comments before like "you don't get me, you never have" and when we have had an argument he has told me to go away and leave him alone for a few days, is that a meltdown? He doesn't like to be touched, doesnt show empathy.

3 months before Christmas he dropped it on us he was off to America for Christmas and New Year. He had met a girl on-line.  Naturally we were concerned because we knew nothing of this.  Don't think he understands that good parents will always worry about their children, no matter how old they are. Communication broke down until just before he left to go.  I was advised to take a back seat, which I did, because it became too upsetting and his dad spoke with him. I expressed my concerns/worries about him to members of the family and funnily enough they all had thought for some time that there was something different about him but had never said anything and one indicated they thought he was autistic. His brother and dad approached the subject of counselling for when he got back and he said he would go.

He came back and has refused to go! The relationship is still going on and unless he is at work, he spends most of his time in his room. While I am pleased he has found someone, I wish it was on this side of the pond and with the extreme highs and lows a long distance relationship brings, I am not sure it will mentally do him any favours, it is not the real world but I have kept that to myself.  It has been mentally draining, we are trying to rebuild things, we are not like we were before but we are better than we were since this all happened.  He confides in his brother but he is now finding it mentally draining and feels he is going round in circles with him and we both know he has been telling some porky pies.

I love him to bits.

Phew, that was a long one.  I was advised to come on here really for your thoughts, help, advice on any aspect of this.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Teresa

  • in reply to Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

    I am in no way disappointed that he didn't finish his university course, it never got started. I felt for him because he had finally found something he wanted to do as a career but for some reason he felt after one day he couldn't continue. I don't think it was the work side of it, he is very clever, it could have been anything ...... his OCD, his anxiety or if he is autistic. 

  • in reply to NAS78185

    I understand that you are doing your best as his mother. I can see that you love him a lot, otherwise you would not be on this forum discussing matters personal to you only to try and understand your son better. It's because you're a good mom that you'll do this for your son.

    I only mentioned "expectations" because I think you would have liked him to finish university, and you would have liked him to get a girlfriend that's close to home, and these are expectations that were not granted, and might cause distress about how things will play out in his life, which are valid concerns. I think that communications broke down between you and your son, and that's stressful because you want a good connection to him. 

    I mean I probably got lost in thought before,  but what I was trying to say before was that because he currently has a job and a girlfriend and he's learning things he's interested in on his spare time, maybe showing your support instead of worries would be appreciated by him, and he'll be more happier feeling supported rather than worried over. And maybe after things settle down, just try to pursue the autism diagnosis with him again in the future. 

  • in reply to osmosis

    Thank-you for sharing that with me, I'm sorry your PhD didn't work out but a degree is an amazing achievement. Well done you!.

    I feel a counsellor would help us massively in moving forward but he refuses to go. I dont feel I can approach the subject again of autism as it would set us back further. After his friend said he thought he was an aspergers kind of guy, my son would have looked into that in depth and some of the things he's said since its like he feels he is autistic but isn't going to admit to it if that makes sense.

    Think it is like Mimi says for me to study autism and maybe use some.strategies without him knowing where they come from.

    Thank you again for your time to reply.

  • in reply to Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

    First of all, course I accept him for who he is. Whether he is autistic or not, I love him just the same. Up until the last 18 months I never even thought he may be autistic, he is who he is and if he is autistic I have no problems with that whatsoever.  We had a very good relationship and were very close. Covid hit, and apart from his past diagnoses of OCD, anxiety and borderline depression, it hi-lighted a side to him I had never seen before. It has been a tough 18 months where I have been genuinely concerned about him, 

    I have never said I have expectations of him or pushed what I think he should do. I have always supported him in whatever he has wanted to do. As for university, he looked at all.angles of studying computer science and I supported him in his decision to go to university, it didn't work out and I also accept that the job he has now might not necessarily be what he wants to do but he says he has an income without the stress and that is fine. He is happy and that is the main thing. I just wondered what people's thoughts were to why he seems to have good intentions but then just slams on the breaks. It may just be because he has anxiety but please don't make out I have expectations of him. I am happy with whatever he is happy with, it is life not mine!

    As for his girlfriend, do I have a problem he has a girlfriend,  course not. All I said was after everything we have seen over the last 18 months, with the ups and downs of a long distance relationship, mentally for him we have our concerns and as a mother I don't think that is anything to be frowned up on. It is early days, it will either work or it won't but whatever the outcome we are there for him.

    No, I don't find it depressing that he spends a lot of time in his room, I never said that. He has always said he likes his own company and that it is fine too. I said he had a past diagnosis of borderline depression. 

  • in reply to NAS78185

    I had a somewhat similar situation - I did a masters degree in computer science, and then went on to study a PhD, but I still wasn't anywhere near finished that after 10 years and the department rightly decided enough was enough. For me, the main problem was concentration, and a constant anxiety about the various work deadlines, which didn't help actually getting things done. I really did like university life and the surroundings, though, even if I was never very social with my flatmates. 

    So, after I got kicked from the course I went to see a therapist about my concentration issues and she suggested that I look into an autism diagnosis. 

    It's not clear to me how much of my concentration issues are directly from autism (such as overstimulation might cause) and how much of it is just anxiety caused by expecting too much of myself. I occasionally try to meditate on the sense of dread I feel about uncompleted work, and a couple of times have come to some kind of cathartic realisation I'm just expecting too much from myself - I then experience some relief from the anxiety and have better concentration for the rest of the day - but then go back to normal the next morning. 

    I'm really pretty sad about my failure at university, and for the time I wasted in a fruitless pursuit. I'd be somewhat tempted to have another go if I could get a solution for my concentration issues, but then I'm 41 now and had better focus on earning some money.

  • in reply to osmosis

    Hi, we are in England. I know he looked at doing an open degree but it was he who decided he would like to go to university.  He looked into everything very thoroughly, he discussed things with me and I supported him in his decision. Wow, finally he had found something he really wanted to do, was so pleased for him. He has never opened up why he quit after one day and I genuinely felt for him. Since then his thoughts are that money isn't everything (and he's right) and he has a job now without any stress and that works for him and that is absolutely fine. He has always had this like barrier where he can go so far and then puts the brakes on, could that possibly be a part of being autistic? Sorry, I'm just a mum who wants to understand, thank you so much for your reply.

  • in reply to Luftmentsch

    I know he is happy in his relationship and I am pleased for him. Have just been worried that the highs and lows could possibly affect him after his past diagnoses and how he has been the last 18 months. Thank u so much for sharing your thoughts with me and I wish you all the best Thumbsup in your relationship. 

  • On the subject of computer science - do you know if he's considered a remote course? I know MIT opencourseware has their lectures up online, and you can join up online to get coursework and such? I also hear harvard has put its lecture material online as well.

  • Your son sounds like me in some ways.  I don't think a long-distance relationship is necessarily doomed or "not the real world."  I'm in a long-distance relationship that my fiancee and I are trying to move on to marriage.  I won't say it's easy, but it isn't impossible either.  I found that the number of women who were interested in me, who I was also interested in, and who met various other compatibility criteria I had was vanishingly small, so I didn't think I could be picky about where my fiancee was when we started dating.  Other than that, I mostly agree with the other commenters.

  • Well he may or may not be on the autism spectrum, but if he is, would you treat him any differently than you are now? Would that change anything about who he is? I mean you love him, but do you accept him for who he is? 

    I mean to be honest, he's earning money, he's in a relationship, and on his free time he pursues his own interests. He's doing really well despite the challenges he goes through day to day.  

    I think your expectations of what would work for him and his future, does not correspond with what would work for him, they're not right for him. He is happy spending a lot of time alone pursuing his own personal interests, and without that time, I don't think that he'd be as intelligent as he is today.

    I think that studying at a university is very different from studying something on your own (in other words, self-study). I mean if people are teaching you something that you're not interested in, it's not very good for learning and aquiring knowledge. I mean it's like when you are watching a show, if you're not interested in it, are you going to waste your time watching it? No, you'll turn the channel to something that's more interesting. And if you're forced to watch something that's not interesting to you, you just end up distracted and daydreaming, and you don't end up remembering anything about the show. I'm pretty sure that if entertainment shows were structured like how schools taught students, and their ratings would be zero and there will be no one watching it.

    I would guess that physical intimacy is hard for him because of OCD and probably other texture related sensitivities (and maybe because he likes having a lot of personal time alone), so he prefers having a long-distance relationship, because there's some socialization involved, but not an overwhelming amount that would be uncomfortable for him to handle.

    I mean he'll do things that you would struggle with understanding, because maybe it's that you consider it to be depressing to be alone in a room for hours on end, and maybe you would find it difficult to be in a long-distance relationship, but he's making decisions that works for him and that he's comfortable with doing. 

  • Hi Teresa.

    Sorry to hear that all this has taken such a toll on you and your relationship with your son. It's obvious from your post that you are very concerned and only want the best for him.

    Unfortunately, there's no way that any of us could give you a yes or no answer here as to whether your son is autistic. Yes, there are certain traits you've pointed out that suggest he might be and that, if he wanted to, he could look into getting assessed. But like the counselling, it would have to be his choice. 

    Even if he has no interest in pursuing a diagnosis, you could still read up on autism and see if you find ideas or strategies that you could suggest to him that might help him manage his stress levels, work environment or relationships (with or without mentioning that they are strategies related to ASD). Researching this might also let you explore potentially new or better ways to communicate with each other.

    If he is still interested in studying computer science, then perhaps he could look at evening classes or an online course rather than attending university? That might be less overwhelming for him than the university experience, which could be challenging in terms of autism and OCD.

    I'm glad to hear that you and your son are slowly starting to rebuild your relationship with each other and that he still feels he can confide in his brother, even though that sounds like its taking its toll.

    I'm sorry I can't this response isn't all that helpful.