I assume I should write something to start with but I struggle to start so that is it. First paragraph done, we can get to the point.
I can't figure it out. I have all the dots in my head but it's so chaotic it seem like i'm unable to connect them to create an image, to find the root cause.
For the last few weeks I'm obsessively trying to understand why my executive functions aren't working as they should. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I never thought about this, as since i was reffered for assesment by my GP over one year ago, I've been leading internal dialog creating scenario where I try to the best of my abillity describe how my brain works, every day, all day. Is this obsessive and intrussive, restrospective self-analyzation driven by need to understand? Natural childlike curiosity that never disapeard?
Why is it that I can sacriffice all my time, even the one that supposed to be spent with family, on thinking, analyzing, rationalizing and thus withdrawing from other activities both social and asocial that used to bring me calmnes/rest and to some level satisfaction?
Are those forementioned activities no longer stimmulate me enough and as a result more grand, complex projects are involuntary being chosen by my brain? after all, washing dishes will only affect three of us, while my theories may bring help to at least 160 million people. Maybe it is the scale of reward that is important?
Why I obsessively walk back and forth the room? I know it helps me thinking but is it my brain subconsciously stimulate my neural pathways in CBGTC loop through activation of motor neuroreceptors, or maybe opositie is correct? Why do I smoke more in last few weeks? Is it nicotinic acetylcholine receptors demand more nicotine? Or maybe the abundance of nicotine cause my agitation? What is the cause and what effect.
It so easy to mistake corelation and causation.
I'm so restless, so driven demanding answers from myself to the point where I call MH institution, GP, even now this forum, but all those I spoke with are either clerks and administrators or clinicians with no expertise in field and claim I have better understanding of the subject.
How? You spent 6 years of studying and yet somehow my 20h of research in to subject give me better understanding? Are you not comming back home thinking and analyzing your clinical cases obsessively? Trying to find the answers? Can you not see the patterns?
This and million more questions while I'm unemployed for last 3 months, with virtually no money, two carrier bags full of documents that need sorting, sink full of dishes, garden is a mess, struggling with staying hydrated, mortgage need paying, bills stacking up, haven't had a decent sleep in months, haven't dream in years, I can't fill in job application because i don't understand what exactly they want me to write. What are employers expectation? Or maybe it is paralyzing fear of failure that stops me from trying? I'm getting emmotional meltdowns in front of my 7yo daughter, because I feel like I am failing in being a parent and partner on fundamental basis. Why is complex easier the banal?
Can any one provide my with some helpfull advice how to live? Look after my self? Look after my family? How to switch my brain off? How to deal with society?
Two thousand years ago, I would be philosopher, today i'm weirdo.
