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I need answers.

a typical Autist

I assume I should write something to start with but I struggle to start so that is it. First paragraph done, we can get to the point.

I can't figure it out. I have all the dots in my head but it's so chaotic it seem like i'm unable to connect them to create an image, to find the root cause.

For the last few weeks I'm obsessively trying to understand why my executive functions aren't working as they should. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I never thought about this, as since i was reffered for assesment by my GP over one year ago, I've been leading internal dialog creating scenario where I try to the best of my abillity describe how my brain works, every day, all day. Is this obsessive and intrussive, restrospective self-analyzation driven by need to understand? Natural childlike curiosity that never disapeard?

Why is it that I can sacriffice all my time, even the one that supposed to be spent with family, on thinking, analyzing, rationalizing and thus withdrawing from other activities both social and asocial that used to bring me calmnes/rest and to some level satisfaction?

Are those forementioned activities no longer stimmulate me enough and as a result more grand, complex projects are involuntary being chosen by my brain? after all, washing dishes will only affect three of us, while my theories may bring help to at least 160 million people. Maybe it is the scale of reward that is important?

Why I obsessively walk back and forth the room? I know it helps me thinking but is it my brain subconsciously stimulate my neural pathways in CBGTC loop through activation of motor neuroreceptors, or maybe opositie is correct? Why do I smoke more in last few weeks? Is it nicotinic acetylcholine receptors demand more nicotine? Or maybe the abundance of nicotine cause my agitation? What is the cause and what effect.

It so easy to mistake corelation and causation.

I'm so restless, so driven demanding answers from myself to the point where I call MH institution, GP, even now this forum, but all those I spoke with are either clerks and administrators or clinicians with no expertise in field and claim I have better understanding of the subject.

How? You spent 6 years of studying and yet somehow my 20h of research in to subject give me better understanding? Are you not comming back home thinking and analyzing your clinical cases obsessively? Trying to find the answers? Can you not see the patterns?

This and million more questions while I'm unemployed for last 3 months, with virtually no money, two carrier bags full of documents that need sorting, sink full of dishes, garden is a mess, struggling with staying hydrated, mortgage need paying, bills stacking up, haven't had a decent sleep in months, haven't dream in years, I can't fill in job application because i don't understand what exactly they want me to write. What are employers expectation? Or maybe it is paralyzing fear of failure that stops me from trying? I'm getting emmotional meltdowns in front of my 7yo daughter, because I feel like I am failing in being a parent and partner on fundamental basis. Why is complex easier the banal?

Can any one provide my with some helpfull advice how to live? Look after my self? Look after my family? How to switch my brain off? How to deal with society?

Two thousand years ago, I would be philosopher, today i'm weirdo.

  • in reply to a typical Autist

    It sounds like if you can keep a glass of water on your desk you will be reminded to drink when you are preoccupied with thoughts.  Maybe make that part of your morning routine, to put a glass of water on your desk before you sit down, or a big bottle of spring water.  I also can forget to drink and eat when unwell with bipolar.  I need reminding too x

  • in reply to Rosie

    As I read it, my daughter brought me glass of watter, and just realised it's my first drink since I woke up. Unless I hyperfocus on thirst and drinking, it's just not going to happen.

    I often find myself thinking about glass of watter, I stand up and sudden deep thought just take over my brain. I still go to kitchen autonomously, but come back with no water and just do what I was doing.

    Can't help it. Unless the glass with watter is right here on my desk so it can ocasionally grab my attention. It's like thirst, hunger doesn't exist unless I focus on it.

    I guess it's the ADHD part of me, but I'm not sure, I lost my clarity again.

    Rosie said:
    Hope you are feeling better about yourself

    Yesterday I was euphoric, almost ecstatic, today I am very neutral, what ever neutral is. But i don't wish i was never born so I guess it's ok?

  • Hope you are feeling better about yourself and your self-investigations.  I would suggest to start with being hydrated.  Water is the best medicine for al of us, water is life, it helps our whole body including the brain to be well.  In fact I am going to drink some now!  Rosie 

  • in reply to Dawn
    Dawn said:
    I need to purge the ASD questions from the system completely though to bring the hyperfocus back to the Italian

    Or, you need to 'think' ASD questions in Intalian, but you probably already now that.

    This is how I learnt English, well, still learning. I even found I sometimes mobilise my tongue while 'thinking', strange.

  • in reply to a typical Autist

    Lol. Get what you mean about subtitles. I'm a linguist and teaching myself Italian now. I try each Netflix once with subtitles to focus primarily on the visual then again without to grab the auditory. Third time I get it, generally lol

    I need to purge the ASD questions from the system completely though to bring the hyperfocus back to the Italian. There's an exam I want to do for foreign speakers of Italian soon.

  • in reply to Dawn
    Dawn said:
    can't sustain my attention on a film though

    Try headphones, especially noise cancelling. Can't watch movies on speakers, my brain subconsciously trying to focus on all the surrounding noises. Also, try to avoid subtitles, I can either read subtitles or watch movie, can't do both. Oh, and pick movies acording to your interests. I can sugest The man from earth, low action, lots of dialogs and planty to think if you want to decompress.

    And yes, I know how it reads. Idea of sitting on the sofa next to your family with earbuds...

  • in reply to a typical Autist

    Yeah, my left hander husband is the same. Totally get that one.

    And yes, once you have your report many of your questions should be answered or will answer themselves. I think three months on, I'm just coming out of that post-diagnostic phase of having a light bulb, "Ah, so that's why I..."  every two minutes. It then moves into; "ok so, I solve x problem this way", or "get more out of y strength that way".

    I've been doing house work on auto pilot too, with a few though not many broken crocs. Still can't sustain my attention on a film though 'cos the head is still mulling a few questions over. But the world is settling back to normal slowly.

  • in reply to a typical Autist

    Yeah, when they took my teeth they threw me into sensory shock. The meltdowns came thick and fast from nowhere. My little stims, I'd taken notice of all my life, suddenly became wild, destructive and strange. I thought they were a sign I was going mad. They disturbed my husband profoundly and he thought the same.

    Now that I know what they are, they've become my friend. If I relax and let them wash through me, I realise they are my neurology's own anti-anxiety mechanism and they do help process both my memories and my creative or analytical thought. 

  • in reply to Dawn
    Dawn said:
    can you cultivate the art of doing it on auto pilot?

    Yes, I do. That's why all plates, bowls and glass are chipped, I don't realise I have to lift them a bit higher to avoid collisions with other items as I try to put them away.

    Same with locking doors, getting anything from somewhere where I'm not.

    My coping mechanism is minimalism. If I have one plate and it is dirty, I have to wash it in order to use it.

    But my wife is sort of a hoarder and has very artistic traits, she is also left hand dominant and most likely right hemisphere dominant. I'm the opposite so it causes conflicts as I find it difficult to understand her point of view.

    Dawn said:
    I think on the other side of your assessment, it might settle.

    Do you mean my thinking will settle during an assessment? I am terrified of doctors. There is part of my that want to trust them, but fear from misunderstanding and judgement causes me to withdraw, I assume it's my severe RSD that is the cause, but i'm not sure.

    I still haven't  filled 'additional information' form I have received from assessment facility over a year ago. Partially because I don't know what they expect me to write, partially because of my fear of failure, partially because I don't do well with open questions as my memory work in mysterious way.

    I have called them and explained that people who struggle the most are the one needing help the most, yet I'm denied any support, they can't see my logic. I feel helpless and hopeless.

  • in reply to Dawn

    I hope you won't find me intrusive I took a peek at your bio, and I 'sympathize' with you as I also had traumatic experiences in my childhood. In regards of EMDR, I don't think it would work in my case, as it require to visualise those experiences which is impossible as I am aphantast.

    The pacing is the key word here,I feel anxious and agitated when I walk/cycle at a low pace but super calm and focused at a steady but fast pace. To the point where I struggle at family walks.

  • a typical Autist said:
    Two thousand years ago, I would be philosopher, today i'm weirdo.

    I read you. I hear you. I do that too. I think on the other side of your assessment, it might settle. My report helped a lot in this regard. Keep thinking, you will have your moment(s) of clarity.

    Today you are so not a weirdo, you are a philosopher. :-)

    As for the domestic, can you cultivate the art of doing it on auto pilot? Devote half a brain cell to it, while the rest of your admirable grey matter does the more important philosophical work. I'm sort of getting the hang of that now, especially if I can imbue the domestic with rhythm.

  • a typical Autist said:
    I obsessively walk back and forth the room? I know it helps me thinking

    I so do this too...lol! Actually, I have a theory it's related to how EMDR works. The pacing super helps the deep thinking.