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Relationships and ASD

Kelly-Anne

I have been with with my boyfriend Chris, for 1.5 years now, we are happy and we recently talked about moved in together...

Some days though, I feel like I'm holding him back. I struggle massively with interacting with others, I cannot socialise, so when he goes out sometimes he will ask me to join, where I prefer my own company and his - of course. But I worry that that there's a part of him that resents me. He is understanding and caring, my goodness I've kept him on his toes, barely speak to him most days, but that's the thing. He is not exactly a social butterfly, but he is confident and bubbly and I feel like we are most definitely chalk and cheese. He has at times made comments which he mutters under his breath regarding the way I handle myself in social situations. And when he asked me to find a message from his mum on his phone, I saw messages between him and his friend talking about us as a couple. Like I said we have only recently started to talk about moving in together, my suggestion can I just say, but he seems up for it. The conversation is led by him saying that I was in one of my moods today, to which his friend then mocks saying when is she never, she's a woman. Typical guy banter yes? However, Chris then told his friend that at times it's like talking to a brick walk, expect he gets more stimulation out of the wall. I feel hurt by these comments like anyone else would. I approached him and he just said that it was a conversation that got out of hand and he didn't mean it to come out the way I took it. We have been together for 1 years plus now, but I feel like we are coming to a halt - something we have been through before. I feel guilty, he deserves better and I hold him back. He wants to go travelling this year and I just can't. I've sat and explained to him the best way that I can but he just doesn't get it. 

Do you guys ever feel like your partner deserves better? Do you feel guilty?

Do you live with your partner? 

How do they handle your ASD?

  • ultimately there are 3 ways to take your relationship forward. 

    1. Learn to love each other and do things apart. It's ok for him to go out alone, or traveling alone, in fact its healthy, so long as the time you spend together is fulfilling and meets both your relationship needs.
    2. You learn do like doing the things he does. It doesn't mean you have to blend in or do as he does but you might find a way to go to the events he goes to and find ways to enjoy them that are different from his.
    3. You find new things you want to do together that neither one of you do now but can share and enjoy together whole heartedly.

  • To be serious, I think that you are dwelling on the negative side of being an autistic partner to an NT. Yes, we have limitations, we are not very sociable or adventurous, but we have compensatory advantages, we tend to be more loyal, kind, non-judgemental and reliable than most. I do not think that I have had a detrimental effect on my wife, I have always been supportive. When our first child was born my wife wanted to continue working, so I took our daughter to nursery every workday. When our second came along my wife decided that she had missed out on parenting, so she gave up work and I was the sole breadwinner for seven years. My wife then retrained as a teacher and I was fine with that. After about 8 years of teaching she was unhappy with this, so she went back to university for a year as a refresher for her laboratory skills, and did a MSc, and again I was sole breadwinner for a year. She now has a job with a biotech company and I could therefore take early retirement a few years ago. I think that many NT partners would have been less accommodating than I have been.

  • Kelly-Anne said:
    The conversation is led by him saying that I was in one of my moods today, to which his friend then mocks saying when is she never, she's a woman. Typical guy banter yes?

    That depends. If it's in context with how much he adores you then yes. If it sounds like contempt, then it probably will build into resentment. 

    Kelly-Anne said:
    expect he gets more stimulation out of the wall

    This is quite cruel. Is he looking elsewhere for 'stimulation'? Does he need someone to entertain him...? It sounds like what he wants and you want are very different lifestyles. I might also opt for someone who doesn't teach his friends it's ok to humiliate or think less of me. Maybe he didn't consider how that appeared... 

    Kelly-Anne said:
    I feel hurt by these comments like anyone else would

    I would. They sound careless and hurtful. I'm not sure how old he is, but it's good when we learn to be intentional with our external thoughts. 

    Don't feel guilty for wanting life on your terms. Although, in the best of all situations, it's normal to give and negotiate a little with someone who is respectful and kind and won't dismiss you. 

    Years ago, I discovered a few perspectives that helped me re-think my standards & values. 1. No one really deserves anything. I don't, you don't. It's a more honest approach to looking at life, we can find things we're grateful for and appreciate and we tend to be less entitled, which is good for everyone. It's a good starting point to respecting the idea of earning another's trust. And it's a great way to work out who's using 'humility' as a facist and cruel way of diminishing others.  

    Neither of us really have the power to 'hold' any one back. We all act according to what we want - it benefits us in some way. Any one of us are free, really, to bankrupt our commitments or destroy our relationships. Do we ever know the heart of another? Not entirely. It's perfectly reasonable to not follow my dreams especially if I haven't realised they're not really mine and that takes maturity. There's nothing wrong with spending a life learning to be loving, learning to be committed and working in a difficult job. My grandfather and grandmother did just that and I have all the respect for them in the world. They weren't perfect but they were content and respected one another and had just enough to give. 

    Perhaps he's willing to be as thoughtful and considerate toward you as you seem to be toward him. These things are important to be on equal footing with. This chap might be great in many ways. But he also sounds a bit lazy and selfish. Love takes work and maybe he'd like someone to just entertain him? I've cut a few selfish men loose. We didn't have the same values. I'm sure there's someone for everyone - not everyone is looking for the same lifestyle. 

  • If his friends comments had meaning, you would most certainly know. What you’re explaining is friends talking :-p

    if Chris didn’t want to, you would of read something much different? 1.5yrs is a good moving forward time