Published on 12, July, 2020
My family are cross with me as they say that since I was diagnosed I am using my autism as an excuse not to change my behaviour and that am doing things now that I wouldn't have done before and "blaming" it in on my autism.
I don't know how to deal with this information. Do I need to pretend that I am not autistic and go back to masking and hiding who I really am? Do I need to act as if I never got a diagnosis and not mention my autism ever again?
My husband says that he feels like he is the only one expected to change in our relationship because now I am autistic it means that I have an excuse not to have to make any changes.
I really don't know what I am supposed to do this information or what I should do about it!
Has anyone else had this happen to them? Any advice on what I should do?
I feel like no-one is willing to accept me as I am and everyone is fed up with me being autsistic!
Its the constant eye roll/smirk/grunt when you dare mention that you may of said something or thought something a certain way because of your autism. I wish I was not autistic, just to feel on the same level of communication with others (including my partner).
Any sort of discussion or argument, i feel out of my depth. They say make changes, but Im almost confident that if i could make a change, I would have by now, because its so upsetting to go through life struggling with most communication.
I find I am much better at typing, and writing, than I am at speaking. I think it has something to do with processing thoughts, and being able to read responses. We tried to implement communication via texting, or writing, during arguments, but this did not work for long for the other person. Its hard to pause a conversation and say, 'hey can we write this down, or text, as the constant bombardment of words are really hard for me to understand and it makes me feel so so overwhelmed and I just can not communicate well at all'
Life is hard.
I haven't really got much advice, but I thought id let you know you are not alone, and by reading your post, I felt not alone too. So thankyou for sharing.
xx
If I need to have a contentious conversation with someone who knows me well, I ask to do it in "chapters." We'll talk until I start to feel that my head is loosing clarity, then I quickly seek agreement to summarise where we have got to - and then I retreat and rest for a wee while....say 3-30mins.....then we will resume.
This no only helps me to stay calm and focused, it also helps take any "heated emotion" out of the conversation.
Perhaps try this methodology with your partner?
That is genius! I think I might try it with my husband too. He tends to reach a point of being unable to continue a lot sooner than I do but I am driven to resolve and can't just stop in the middle without reaching some kind of point! I am starting to suspect he is autistic too, having previously assumed all his issues were down to his schizo-affective disorder. He doesn't have meltdowns but I am starting to see his reaction to arguments as a shutdown. He denies any possibility he has autism, he doesn't want to be put in another box and doesn't understand why I am happy to find I belong in the autism box! I like it because i can find some solutions in this box.
Arguments are very difficult for us! But it is helping as i begin to understand how my own autism is making things worse and how we can work round it. It is also helpful to see his reactions through a different lens and try to work out ways we might work together better. Trying to do chapters might work. Although we might never go back to chapter 2... my ADHD makes me forget things like that and his memory can be very mixed, also he will be reluctant to resume something like that.
Do you actually manage to finish arguments that way or do you also find it difficult to resume the next chapter? How many chapters do you need?
ME three! It's nice when someone "gets it".
Absolutely ! Me too.
That is one of things which makes me feel at home here. That not only do I feel I can point out something like that when I notice it, but that it might even be appreciated!
AuTriker said:thought through though
And thank you for the word pastry.....I love that.
Please do be pedantic! I think it is a good trait! I agree, i try to avoid arguments because the goal then is for one side to win, implying the other party loses. My husband is the one who calls them that and who still sees them as conflict rather than an attempt to avoid conflict. But our discussions on emotive topics (such as him putting some cold turkey into my porridge bowl!) do sadly often tend to become arguments because he will (not deliberately I believe but he refuses to try to avoid it) keep triggering me into a meltdown state, which I am trying hard to resist at the same time as trying to do words in a manner which makes sense and he also gets upset if i am not polite!
Trying to remember to apply a new approach during an emotive debate is not always easy, though I do work on trying to learn and change something each time. It's so frustrating though and it feels like I have to do all the work, all he wants to do is walk away and be left to keep doing the thing which is upsetting me.
I agree with you on being able to disagree if someone has a considered opinion which makes sense. It offends me when people hold opinions they have not even thought through though (haha, those 3 words in proximity look so similar!) and which have a negative impact on others. I think that is even worse than one based on faulty logic, but is sadly very common!
If I do try it (though hope not to have another emotive discussion for a while!) I will try to remember to give feedback, but don't hold your breath because I have ADHD and may well forget... Thank you for the info.
Forgive me for sounding pedantic - but "arguments" are not something that I have. Moreover, the whole point of the chapters approach is precisely to avoid an argument.
Yes - I almost always reach the last page/chapter with a willing counterpart. Most contentious matters are a 2 or 3 chapter affair - if they stretch beyond that then normally a longer break and "sleep on it" tends to be in order. Interestingly, staying proximate to the counterpart during the pause seems to be very calming - silence between humans is a good thing that is not practised enough these days - in my opinion.
I normally require the "moments" (as I like to call them) to wrap my head around illogicality - something that generally frustrates and irritates me. I don't have arguments because I am very content not to agree with people if they can present their opinion or case on sound thinking.........if I can see fundamental errors in their thinking, I can (unfortunately) fixate on that fundamental error of thought/reasoning....and hey presto = argument.
I'm glad you like the idea of this methodology and would be interested to know if it works for you and yours if you try it.