How and where did you meet your partner?

PersonAnon said:

Calm, loving, tolerant, supportive.

Thanks for sharing PA, It's cheered me up hearing all your ups and downs and the length of time you have been together and that you connected on "all" levels.  Everything you have written is what I dream of in a partner.  I think it's rare to have that kind of love and commitment but it is possible and therefore I remain hopeful. :-)

1. What do you love and admire about your partner?: Calm, loving, tolerant, supportive, gorgeous. I could go on.
2. Where did you meet?: North East England, 1980s. She was up there because her ex-husband’s job had moved; I was there (supposedly) for 2 years, sent from London by my employer (at Group level) to ‘tick off’ a particular role on my CV before promotion. But I hated the job, and the subsidiary company they sent me to, so much I sat at on a pier the mouth of the Tyne after about two days and wondered how I'd survive if I just quit, got in the car, and drove back to London, right then (didn't know I was autistic, then, but it sounds like a potential meltdown in hindsight). I was very young, had never been to Tyneside, Geordies didn't even seem to speak English, I was a senior manager with a brief to change the (outdated) way they did things (my boss was suspicious of the 'Group spy' before I even arrived).  I'd had no training in 'change management' and there was entrenched resistance from the off.  It was a vile, horrible experience. People don't like change, and people in areas where there's strong regional identity/pride particularly don't like being told to change by 'precocious kids from London who've been in the job 3 minutes when I've been doing it for 30 years' as one aggressive guy told me.  Quitting with no job was risky and I'd rented out my flat in London, so on balance I decided to stick it out, but it was a close-run thing.  Good job I did, because a few days later I rented a room from the woman who's been my life partner since. Hated the job for a further two years; absolutely hated, hated, hated it but she was in the same position which made us allies immediately. Discovered that if you hate a job you do it badly, even if you're actually good at the core functions. Then, after telling me I'd be back in the South East after 2 years, they tried to move me to Bradford, to do the same thing again; so they 'lost' me at that point and in my head I left the Group and effectively went maybe 30% AWOL from the job, mentally (just stopped caring). I felt betrayed. We spent every Friday night driving down the A1 to London (the tenants left the flat and I didn't let it again so we had a London base); and every Sunday night driving back. Anything to get away.  'Getting back to London, but doing it 'well'' became our life plan, which we finally achieved (we didn't get a corporate move, so it was cripplingly expensive, but I got a bigger job at much more money, so within a year it was all fine). We privately regarded this whole thing as our 'escape from Colditz' story and it sort of became a bonding thing early in our relationship. HUGE relief when we finally achieved it & our lives, lifestyles, wellbeing, happiness & everything else improved overnight.   The "escape" is part of the 'story' of our coupling.  Our views on the North East were doubtless heavily influenced by what happened at work (she wasn't happy, either); we actually formed strong connections there, visit regularly and like it, actually really like it, but back then we were human beings in a hostile alien land and couldn't wait to shut the door on 'the crazy' every night and just be with each other. Even now, whilst it's nice to visit and see people, Bamburgh is stunning, North Shields is nice, Northumberland is lovely, blah, it's just culturally not us; it's always been a relief to get on the motorway or on the plane home, even when home wasn't the SE of England on occasions over the years. As we leave, we always look at each other and joke about 'escaping' again(!) Sorry if that's MITYW.
3. What attracted you to them?: Instant attraction on every level.  Every. Level.
4. Did they become your special interest?: Always and for ever.
5. How long have you been together?: 40 years. Married for 37. 
6. How is the communication between you?: Sometimes challenging but her forgiving nature usually gets us there.  Diagnosis helped because we both now understand it more. 

Ninjamelody said:

How she cares so much about me and showed me that relationships could be much better than the examples I've seen growing up

Hi N,

It sounds like you've got a good partner there and the communication can't be that terrible if you have been together for 6 years.....? Thanks for sharing.  I like that you both are "playful" as that's a good thing to have in a relationship I think.

1. What do you love and admire about your partner? How she cares so much about me and showed me that relationships could be much better than the examples I've seen growing up
2. Where did you meet? Oregon, USA
3. What attracted you to them? Playfulness, interest in music/ traveling the world
4. Did they become your special interest? Yes
5. How long have you been together? 6 years
6. How is the communication between you? Terrible (I was not aware before I looked into mental health)

Ohhh She sounds lovely

Bless you. Yes I am devastated. But you know what, the truth is, I'll never want any one else.

I had my fair share of boyfriends in my youth... my husband is my life long friend; there never will be, nor will I ever want another. I've enough experience to know. And that's ok.

I can hope he'll kick the booze, but I won't hold my breath. I have no choice but to let this divorse go through...but we've been so close since we were so young, something tells me, this isn't quite the end of the story. Something tells me that when the first of us passes, it will the other who is there...

Point is though, I guess, his booze notwithstanding, my autism never prevented me finding my soul mate. I will die having loved and been loved. And that is enough for this lifetime :-)

Yeah I am lucky. We are both autistic and that helps :)

NAS77114 said:

Communication and compromise are sometimes hard for me.

NAS77114 said:

but in truth I would prefer to be alone in my special room with my books and rest in silence...

Hi there,

It seems you communicate well on here but perhaps you are in a "safe" zone and that's the reason why.  I think communication for me about my struggles is hard for me too because I have realised that not everyone else has these struggles.  I have mentioned to people if they experience the world the way I do in sensory terms and they say no.  This to me is a revelation because I had no idea people were different from me in that respect.  Your husband seems very attuned to your needs and you do communicate with him through your stimming which he then acts on.  I understand what you mean about preferring to be in your "special room" with your books.  I'm sure if you built this into your routine to help after a sensory filled day that your husband would understand.  Have you spoken with him about how you feel in this respect?  You may find he too would like to do his stuff when you are decompressing in your room?  

It's wonderful that you have a partner and that you also have a chill room.  All positive me thinks.

H. 

Communication and compromise are sometimes hard for me. I need more downtime than I get because my husband likes to go to London often as he used to work there before he retired but I often struggle with the public transport on the tube, and busy noisy areas and to his credit he will notice my distress and stimming and find a quiet spot for me to calm down. He has also bought me earplugs to mute sound.... but in truth I would prefer to be alone in my special room with my books and rest in silence... but I would feel too guilty to do that too often.

Stephen said:

some people may see where I’m coming from when I say I’ve tried for help. But nobody wants to help. (Up coming post)

I'll wait for your upcoming post.  That sounds very difficult indeed.  I hated feeling "single" in a relationship but I equally don't like being single despite my need for a lot of alone time.  I think it's about finding balance in everything and getting to know who you are and what would work for you in a relationship.  For me, the key is being able to talk about the difficulties and try to work through them but sometimes it's the case that no amount of trying is going to work and it has to end for everyones sanity.  I hope you're okay as it doesn't sound the best. :-(

Absolutely nothing! 
BBM.

the banter.

they did at first, but then I felt trapped and still do.

7yrs she says.

fake.  We call each other mum and dad,. Her head/heart belongs to her phone,  worst mistake of my life.

some people may see where I’m coming from when I say I’ve tried for help. But nobody wants to help. (Up coming post)

Roy said:

loved her from a first meeting in a local pub.

Awwwww! Thanks for sharing!!! That really gives me hope.  Thank you so much everyone for posting on this particular topic as I feel happy hearing and knowing about love.  Love lost and love found. It helps me realise that it is a reality within the context of compromise and that sheer, intense admiration for another that I get does exist in others hearts.  

I am also relieved to hear that you were brave enough to let her into your inside world in order that you can work through challenges together.  This is what breaks me up about my ex husband.  He shut me out and no matter how many attempts on my behalf to be there for and understand him simply didn't work.  I've come to the conclusion that it was neither his fault nor mine.  We were never going to work because we have completely different concepts of what life should be.  I will always love that we made our daughter but I will never understand why he was unable to work on us.  He is now married with one child and another baby due soon.  I feel hurt that he could move on and build a family with someone else but not with the one we had.  I was the one that left.  I suspect that my inability to work and my emotional challenges were what he was unable to deal with.  We would still be in an unhappy marriage if I hadn't left so at least one of us has found happiness.  I obviously don't know this as I don't know his partner or their relationship but I figure if they're building a family then they must be happy????  I chose to give up my need for more children because I knew he wouldn't be able to support me in the way that I needed within a family and I couldn't bring another child into that dynamic.  I am blessed with my wee peach but being a single parent who cannot work is never the vision that I had for myself.  This is hard to come to terms with.....

I loved her from a first meeting in a local pub. She has been my best friend, lover and confidant. I had never had a girlfriend before and still don’t know why she loves me. I was about 20 and she was this leggy 17 year old blonde, I thought all my birthdays had come at once.

we have been together now for 35 years, I have put her and our sons through hell in that time, since realising I’m autistic our relationship has never been stronger, instead of masking, blowing up or just being confusing, I now tell her about everything that affects me. We just make adjustments sometimes.

last night we went to the village pub, we always go early so there aren’t many people. There were scented candles on the bar, I lasted about 5 minutes, she could see I was struggling so she suggested we went to another room in the pub. I could still smell them, but just bearable. I  just made a bit more effort so the evening wasn’t spoilt.

My pleasure H. X

NAS77114 said:

This strong man just cried and said it broke his heart that I should think he loved me less because I had Aspergers.

Oh wow, I am tearing up just reading this part.  I know the fear of rejection so well!! I am so happy for you that he was loving and supportive and just what you need.  Thanks for sharing. I'm now on a happy cloud.

After throwing myself 100% into a relationship with a much older musician who was a commitment phobe and would put me down and destroyed my self worth I decided I would remain single and safe and did so for several years. A stranger at a craft fair said I shouldn't hide in my flat playing my piano and guitar but get a ukelele and be with people. I had nothing to lose so did just that and met this man who was very rhythmical and funny and confident. After a couple of months we started to talk in the break and within a further 2 months lived together. We got married during lockdown. I am not as obsessed with this relationship, maybe because I feel safer and better understood. We had only been together a few weeks when he found an old printout of Aspergers United magazine and just looked at me. I froze, then cried and said if he wanted to leave me that would be okay, and that I was going to tell him, just didn't know how or when without losing him. This strong man just cried and said it broke his heart that I should think he loved me less because I had Aspergers. Didn't think I would marry when I was 56yrs old. You never know what life will throw at you.

Dawn said:

He is a sensory UXB on legs

Thank you for sharing D.  You must be devastated.  I think it's what is most difficult and true about relationships and friendship,  everyone knows there has to be compromise but it can't be so much so that you lose yourself in the process.  I watched a video on youtube recently by someone I have never watched before but who made me think.  It might be interesting to you if you have not already watched it.  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOHEmB6QyG4) 

I do agree that you'll never "have another love like this" in the sense that he and you have a unique connection  but this does not mean that you will never have another love.  I know this way of thinking all too well because it's a regular pattern of thought for me.  What I have realised is that to be loved and to love is a risk because of the hurt factor.  Even the most kind and wonderful people have something that will hurt you or not connect with you.  Sad but true.  I do think it's worth being vulnerable to find those connections though because the "negatives" may be things that can be worked through.

I hope you are able to get some comfort in other things while you go through this difficult time.

Ah  I'm sad. Going through a divorce from the love of my life. My decision, but that's 'cos he's a functional alcoholic who would tax the most robust of NT women.

I'm in my late 50s now, but we met in the 6th form when we were just 16. He kissed me under a table at a party. We went out briefly, then lead different lives, but were always firm friends. We got it together again in our 40s.

No one else on the planet, I don't think, will ever understand either of us like we do eachother. He literally saved the life of my son once and I adore his kids. He's a nurse. I admire his compassion and his immense intellect. Drives me mad, but he brings injured pigeons home to heal in our downstairs loo - that's just him.

The communication; it's odd. Bizarrely, I think I'm by far and a way the stronger communicator ... but then you see, he drinks. Alcoholics are oblivious to the needs of all those around them. I even end up having to take care of his animals. But I can at least, THINK my way around other people, even if I don't 'read' them too well.

It's odd. I'm so much more relaxed at home now without falling over beer cans and his drunken mates and endless debris and loud music. He is a sensory UXB on legs - because of the booze. But I miss him. All it would take to stop this divorce and for me to tell him to come home, is for him to chuck Stella Artois and choose me. But he won't. I know that.

So sad. I know I'll never have another love like this. But what can you do? He's choosing the booze over me...I dare say, divorce or no, I'll be there regardless for my best friend when he needs me.

But, I know he loves me; always has. Always will. As I love him :-(.

No because someone needs to be at home with our daughter. Although she's growing up now. But I have so many health problems and anxiety, I don't go out anymore.

What we need is a house with a sociable layout. Hopefully when we move, we can find one...Current house is too small and poky.

BassFace said:

So communication is very good

Ahhhh that sounds like you've got a good solid relationship that works with both of your needs.  Fabulous!! That's so good to hear!!