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Found myself unable to work (and handled leaving terribly)

NAS77110

So I got my first job in August. Right off the bat I didn’t want to be there and felt incredibly uncomfortable being there. I was depressed and anxious, even pushing back my starting date. Only a month in I took an entire week off due to physically feeling incapable of going and haven’t horrible self destructive thoughts.

Somehow I kept going, but in doing so I started drinking excessively every weekend, over/undereating and not looking after myself (not showering or brushing my teeth for days)

Whilst at work I would have meltdowns almost everyday. I would get insanely irritable to the point where i would punch things and my thoughts were just disgustingly violent. I would almost be completely non verbal, even. I couldn’t join in conversations and when I did I would stutter and trip over my words. I wasn’t able to control my body. Like, I would try to make my hands do something but they wouldn’t cooperate. I wasn’t doing good.

After Christmas I couldn’t bring myself to go back, I just couldn’t. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I literally would do ANYTHING instead of going. It didn’t help that all of these things had been building up after months. I should’ve communicated how I felt but like I said, I physically felt unable to, I couldn’t function. So in an incredibly impulsive and stupid move on my end I just blocked everyone from work and didn’t go in anymore.

They emailed me today asking me to call and just the idea of that makes me nauseous. Phone calls, especially with people who already make me uncomfortable to be around/talk to. I’ve emailed multiple places for advice/support and I think I’m going to reply to the email from work in the morning, to explain that I feel unable to call or go back.

I just feel hopeless. This isn’t the first time this has happened. I dropped out of college twice due to similar reasons. So what am I meant to do? How do I live? I feel completely lost.

Parents

  • Getting a job as someone who is neurodivergent is never straightforward. Don't feel ashamed i have over 30+ jobs that have ended poorly and i am only 25.  

    First of all never push yourself into a job that you do not feel comfortable with because it will result burnout which isn't sustainable for long periods and will result in either physical exhaustion that makes your seriously unwell or get you fired. 

    Secondly never accept a job that is either un capable of making reasonable adjustment or just plain refuses to implement such. This means that you often need to avoid zero hour contract employment because it often means lack of routine and structure. 

    Their is support out their, access to work and local autism advocates that can help you discuss and make reasonable adjustment at work. their is also employment schemes that can help you find the ideal job for you that is focus around your special interests or to help you learn new skills. But saying this you need to be careful. from experience i would avoid the Shawtrust & Nova Training and look for a local authority led programme or small organisation for help as they are not target based and treat you like a human not an opportunity.

    I would contact your local job centre and arrange a meeting with your local disability employment advisor who should be able to direct you help looking, finding, applying and sustaining employment.  

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  • Getting a job as someone who is neurodivergent is never straightforward. Don't feel ashamed i have over 30+ jobs that have ended poorly and i am only 25.  

    First of all never push yourself into a job that you do not feel comfortable with because it will result burnout which isn't sustainable for long periods and will result in either physical exhaustion that makes your seriously unwell or get you fired. 

    Secondly never accept a job that is either un capable of making reasonable adjustment or just plain refuses to implement such. This means that you often need to avoid zero hour contract employment because it often means lack of routine and structure. 

    Their is support out their, access to work and local autism advocates that can help you discuss and make reasonable adjustment at work. their is also employment schemes that can help you find the ideal job for you that is focus around your special interests or to help you learn new skills. But saying this you need to be careful. from experience i would avoid the Shawtrust & Nova Training and look for a local authority led programme or small organisation for help as they are not target based and treat you like a human not an opportunity.

    I would contact your local job centre and arrange a meeting with your local disability employment advisor who should be able to direct you help looking, finding, applying and sustaining employment.  

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