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Advice for the future

Pagea

Hi

I would be very grateful if any autistic adults could pass on any tips or advice about how to help our son as he grows up. What, as parents should we be doing or not doing to make his life successful? He’s 11, really bright and we just want him to have the biggest chance of having an enjoyable, successful, independent life as an adult. 
If you don’t mind saying, what do you wish your parents had or had not done?

I understand everyone is different but would love to hear your thoughts. 

Many thanks. 

  • Pagea said:
    any tips or advice about how to help our son as he grows up

    Be present with him. 

    Now. 

    In this moment.

    Recognise when you are projecting an imaginary future on the screen of your mind, and gently bring yourself back to life—to the now. Presence is the greatest gift to give to yourself and any other human being. Usually, our parents and caregivers are unaware they are projecting fear onto their children, teaching them the same dysfunctional way of living as they were taught. Be present with him and it will not only give you a deeper connection and sense of contentment and happiness, but it will also provide him with all the tools he'll ever need for dealing with whatever arises in his life. 

  • Thanks so much everyone, such good thoughts already! We've always celebrated E's uniqueness and apart from when safety or hygiene is involved we don't push him to do or be things he isn't. For example he has really long hair, not because he hates the hairdresser, just because he loves long hair!) but we would never suggest he cuts it to "fit in". We'll explain when there's something he does that others might find uncomfortable or unacceptable though. Like absent-mindedly stroking the velvet leotard of the girl next to him at gymnastics when he used to go to classes. 

  • It sounds like you're putting a lot of research into the topic, which is no doubt a good thing. The main thing I'd say is not to give an impression that a thought process your son expresses isn't real or that he's contriving it. That is very harmful.

  • I look back and remember the parts of my childhood where my mother reacted to me like there was something very weird and very wrong with me. This has stayed with me.

    She couldn't help but react how she genuinely felt, after all it is a parents job to equip and prepare their children for the realities of the outside world. And My God this world is not set up for Autistic people. It does not have the faintest glimmer of comprehension. I was doing weird things, in weird ways. Sigh,  I cant help but wish Autism was a known thing back then and that my mother would just have happened to be informed about the characteristics. I know my mother loved me, and wasn't doing these things out of spite or meanness, although it might have felt like that!

    It's a tough one. I don't blame my mother, she probably reacted to my behaviours just as most "neuro typical" people in society would have. It's a tough balancing act I would say between acceptance of how your son manifests his characteristics, and preparing him for the realities of how he will be treated in life.

    One thing to bear in mind though is that confidence goes a very long way. so I would err on the side of helping his confidence, rather than pointing out his weaknesses and shortcomings. My mother definitely did not help me by doing that. With confidence a person will automatically be treated a whole lot better, and will find life a whole lot easier.