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husband so angry about ASD suggestion: marriage-ending angry

NAS75686

Hi all.

I'm new here, I'm also confused - so please be gentle with me and forgive anything I get wrong.

Long story very short: OH of 25 years is, I believe, in emotional crisis. Things have sometimes not been at all good between us and other times been great. A lot of the time been really good. I strongly suspect he is on spectrum. This doesn't bother me - I love him for who he is. In fact, I think working out if he is and so how we differ might really help us to find a way to both be happier. 

A few years ago we started arguing more. The past couple of years have been awful. I felt he was cutting me out emotionally and not interested in our relationship. A few huge rows later and we separated for a while, then have been on/off for past 18 months or so. He did something reckless that caused us all a lot of pain. It was totally out of character. He now admits he'd emotionally detached himself from me in the year or so leading up to this, although he denied it over and over at the time.

In my shock about what he'd done, and trying to work out where it left us, I started wondering about autism and whether some of the stuff that has frustrated me in the relationship over the years is stuff he simply isn't able to give (rather than doesn't want to, which is what I'd always feared). So I put this to him - and in the context of maybe this would help us to understand our differences.

But... he's been utterly hostile to the suggestion from the start and basically now can't forgive me for my suggestion as he thinks I'm totally wrong. We've been round and round in circles and he is utterly out of character in his response. He says I've been obsessing over it - I really haven't. He's now pretty much ended our marriage, largely because he thinks it's so offensive I could think this, and is now spending a lot of time going back over rows we've had literally years ago telling me what I said at the time that upset him (and that he's never mentioned since - and many of these examples are relatively trivial and/or things you can see where there was likely misunderstanding). He's saying how much I've controlled him and he's been scared of me of too much of the time. He also says he's done online tests and spoken to friends and there is no way whatsoever that autism is relevant and he's fed up with my trying to pathologist him.

So I'm in pieces for all sorts of reasons... and am heartbroken to have my life being rewritten. I'm scared about what happens next, and I'm also genuinely worried for him. He's a kind and caring man usually.

I'm not asking anyone to diagnose him, of course. I really don't know if he does have ASD - lots rings true for me, as his partner, but I'm not a professional.

So I suppose what I'm after is:

1. Any kind of insight into where I go from here when he is so angry and resentful at the suggestion of ASD and can't move beyond it. I'm happy never to mention the word again but the damage is done: he frequently assumes I'm referring to it when I'm not.

2. Suggestions of quite why he might be taking the suggestion so badly. (He says it's because it's simply not true and it's me that's made him react in certain ways that resonate with emotional shutdown etc. etc. He also says that having two immediate family members with autism isn't relevant*, and that if he were on the spectrum, he wouldn't be able to have friendships / cope at work etc etc. He's a highly intelligent man: he knows none of this is actually true. )

3. Ultimately, I suppose, how I help him.  Whether or not this is a permanent split, whether or not he is on the spectrum, he's clearly in a lot of distress. We have kids together and a house etc. etc. and I still love him. I want to be able to be on much more co-operative terms for all sorts of reasons. (I also think/know he loves me too, but we seem locked into this horrible cycle where he won't give and inch about stuff that's got misunderstood over time and seems to be blaming me for everything that he's ever struggled with, particularly about articulating his feelings).

Thanks all. And for clarity, I'm well aware I'm not perfect. I'm not blaming him, and I don't think ASD is a 'bad' thing even if he does. I think many of his finer qualities resonate with the positive aspects of it.

*one member of his family has severe autism and has made a lot of 'mistakes' in life. He wasn't diagnosed until his 40s. My husband has often been surprisingly harsh about this person in my opinion, and doesn't seem to get that he's not choosing to cause other people distress. I'm aware that some of my husband's hostllity is likely to be not wanting to consider himself 'the same' as this family member.

Parents

  • It sounds incredibly hard and heartbreaking.

    Perhaps you can get past it, but if you really want to help him, perhaps it's best to start by taking a step back and helping yourself? My ex used to find all manner of possible problems with me, no PhD, anything but always refuse to examine his own behaviour. He would tell me I was trustworthy and make him feel secure and then proceed to wonder why there were problems. How do I communicate my standards and expectations involve principles of engagement he simply didn't think he needed to learn? Regardless of whatever "my" problems were, him suggesting it was something I needed fixing was not only creating isolation, but that he took Zero Responsibility for being dismissive, disregarding, at times dis-compassionate, assuming he could just behave with others or toward me regardless of considering impact and then turn around and tell me I had 'daddy' issues was completely offensive. Years after getting to know me, he realised I clearly don't have father issues but mother issues - this became the default.

    Right, so - we all need partners who are willing to look at themselves, be responsible toward and with us. Being able to recognise what is technically my responsibility to fix or grow out of or mature into takes time and it's easy to do when everyone is engaging the same and alongside.

    NAS75686 said:
    literally years ago telling me what I said at the time that upset him (and that he's never mentioned since - and many of these examples are relatively trivial and/or things you can see where there was likely misunderstanding

    Your first clue to understand your own self is the word 'trivial'. From his point of view these were 'traumatising'. That's a Massive Gap in Experience. You may have been incredibly misaligned in your values. This isn't to say either is at fault. 

    I would think at this point, it would be beneficial to take a step back. Find your self, your values, the things you want in a relationship. It could be after several months as you peel away any facades and allow yourself to self-examine, perhaps you've not actually been happy? Being accused of controlling another can mean several things: I'm out of my element and with the wrong person and sub-consciously trying to build it into something I desire. I need more details, better language and help communicating with another. I'm an older child and used to being in charge after taking too much responsibility as a child. I missed my calling and ended up in a job I'm not suited for when I have extraordinary management skills. This list is extensive. 

    My guess is both of you could learn proper boundaries and how to communicate, but maybe at this point it wouldn't be good to do this together just yet. You may have been expected to meet everyone else's needs while denying your own and if you've done this for 20+ years, I'd need a serious holiday.  Autism or not, the autistic brain type has always been around. When humans treat one with understanding, respect, dependability and kindness rather than contempt, disregard and cruelty (and yes, it's not kind to not give your partner a chance to meet your needs, but this can be from a lack of understanding language), regardless of brain type, there are far less problems in general. Anyone can learn how to respect another. 

Reply

  • It sounds incredibly hard and heartbreaking.

    Perhaps you can get past it, but if you really want to help him, perhaps it's best to start by taking a step back and helping yourself? My ex used to find all manner of possible problems with me, no PhD, anything but always refuse to examine his own behaviour. He would tell me I was trustworthy and make him feel secure and then proceed to wonder why there were problems. How do I communicate my standards and expectations involve principles of engagement he simply didn't think he needed to learn? Regardless of whatever "my" problems were, him suggesting it was something I needed fixing was not only creating isolation, but that he took Zero Responsibility for being dismissive, disregarding, at times dis-compassionate, assuming he could just behave with others or toward me regardless of considering impact and then turn around and tell me I had 'daddy' issues was completely offensive. Years after getting to know me, he realised I clearly don't have father issues but mother issues - this became the default.

    Right, so - we all need partners who are willing to look at themselves, be responsible toward and with us. Being able to recognise what is technically my responsibility to fix or grow out of or mature into takes time and it's easy to do when everyone is engaging the same and alongside.

    NAS75686 said:
    literally years ago telling me what I said at the time that upset him (and that he's never mentioned since - and many of these examples are relatively trivial and/or things you can see where there was likely misunderstanding

    Your first clue to understand your own self is the word 'trivial'. From his point of view these were 'traumatising'. That's a Massive Gap in Experience. You may have been incredibly misaligned in your values. This isn't to say either is at fault. 

    I would think at this point, it would be beneficial to take a step back. Find your self, your values, the things you want in a relationship. It could be after several months as you peel away any facades and allow yourself to self-examine, perhaps you've not actually been happy? Being accused of controlling another can mean several things: I'm out of my element and with the wrong person and sub-consciously trying to build it into something I desire. I need more details, better language and help communicating with another. I'm an older child and used to being in charge after taking too much responsibility as a child. I missed my calling and ended up in a job I'm not suited for when I have extraordinary management skills. This list is extensive. 

    My guess is both of you could learn proper boundaries and how to communicate, but maybe at this point it wouldn't be good to do this together just yet. You may have been expected to meet everyone else's needs while denying your own and if you've done this for 20+ years, I'd need a serious holiday.  Autism or not, the autistic brain type has always been around. When humans treat one with understanding, respect, dependability and kindness rather than contempt, disregard and cruelty (and yes, it's not kind to not give your partner a chance to meet your needs, but this can be from a lack of understanding language), regardless of brain type, there are far less problems in general. Anyone can learn how to respect another. 

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