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husband so angry about ASD suggestion: marriage-ending angry

NAS75686

Hi all.

I'm new here, I'm also confused - so please be gentle with me and forgive anything I get wrong.

Long story very short: OH of 25 years is, I believe, in emotional crisis. Things have sometimes not been at all good between us and other times been great. A lot of the time been really good. I strongly suspect he is on spectrum. This doesn't bother me - I love him for who he is. In fact, I think working out if he is and so how we differ might really help us to find a way to both be happier. 

A few years ago we started arguing more. The past couple of years have been awful. I felt he was cutting me out emotionally and not interested in our relationship. A few huge rows later and we separated for a while, then have been on/off for past 18 months or so. He did something reckless that caused us all a lot of pain. It was totally out of character. He now admits he'd emotionally detached himself from me in the year or so leading up to this, although he denied it over and over at the time.

In my shock about what he'd done, and trying to work out where it left us, I started wondering about autism and whether some of the stuff that has frustrated me in the relationship over the years is stuff he simply isn't able to give (rather than doesn't want to, which is what I'd always feared). So I put this to him - and in the context of maybe this would help us to understand our differences.

But... he's been utterly hostile to the suggestion from the start and basically now can't forgive me for my suggestion as he thinks I'm totally wrong. We've been round and round in circles and he is utterly out of character in his response. He says I've been obsessing over it - I really haven't. He's now pretty much ended our marriage, largely because he thinks it's so offensive I could think this, and is now spending a lot of time going back over rows we've had literally years ago telling me what I said at the time that upset him (and that he's never mentioned since - and many of these examples are relatively trivial and/or things you can see where there was likely misunderstanding). He's saying how much I've controlled him and he's been scared of me of too much of the time. He also says he's done online tests and spoken to friends and there is no way whatsoever that autism is relevant and he's fed up with my trying to pathologist him.

So I'm in pieces for all sorts of reasons... and am heartbroken to have my life being rewritten. I'm scared about what happens next, and I'm also genuinely worried for him. He's a kind and caring man usually.

I'm not asking anyone to diagnose him, of course. I really don't know if he does have ASD - lots rings true for me, as his partner, but I'm not a professional.

So I suppose what I'm after is:

1. Any kind of insight into where I go from here when he is so angry and resentful at the suggestion of ASD and can't move beyond it. I'm happy never to mention the word again but the damage is done: he frequently assumes I'm referring to it when I'm not.

2. Suggestions of quite why he might be taking the suggestion so badly. (He says it's because it's simply not true and it's me that's made him react in certain ways that resonate with emotional shutdown etc. etc. He also says that having two immediate family members with autism isn't relevant*, and that if he were on the spectrum, he wouldn't be able to have friendships / cope at work etc etc. He's a highly intelligent man: he knows none of this is actually true. )

3. Ultimately, I suppose, how I help him.  Whether or not this is a permanent split, whether or not he is on the spectrum, he's clearly in a lot of distress. We have kids together and a house etc. etc. and I still love him. I want to be able to be on much more co-operative terms for all sorts of reasons. (I also think/know he loves me too, but we seem locked into this horrible cycle where he won't give and inch about stuff that's got misunderstood over time and seems to be blaming me for everything that he's ever struggled with, particularly about articulating his feelings).

Thanks all. And for clarity, I'm well aware I'm not perfect. I'm not blaming him, and I don't think ASD is a 'bad' thing even if he does. I think many of his finer qualities resonate with the positive aspects of it.

*one member of his family has severe autism and has made a lot of 'mistakes' in life. He wasn't diagnosed until his 40s. My husband has often been surprisingly harsh about this person in my opinion, and doesn't seem to get that he's not choosing to cause other people distress. I'm aware that some of my husband's hostllity is likely to be not wanting to consider himself 'the same' as this family member.

  • in reply to aidie

    Ha! That's a lovely thing to say. I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't agree right now, but I do really try...

  • Thank you everyone for the replies. There is so much for me to think on here. 

    The comment that has really made me pause most of all for now is that maybe I haven't been that happy after all. This is deeply uncomfortable and I suspect there's some truth in it: I've been giving loads to this partnership for years, and feeling like I've been giving more than I've been receiving, and now I'm beginning to strongly suspect that he isn't able to give me a lot more.  This is deeply uncomfortable, as is the tale from the person who has been married for 50 years. 

    The other point about what might seem trivial to him is obviously really important to him was a good call too. It's made me realise that what I find so hard is that he seems to have double standards: expects me to understand and respond to his sensitivity and needs when they are unvoiced, yet gets upset at me when i ask for support when it's something he doesn't really get why whatever it is I want support for is important to him. 

    He's moved out for now and is staying with friends. I am not sure where we are and I'm not sure where I want to be. As I say, I love him, but for now he's so angry with me about the ASD suggestion that he's being really quite mean at times and he can't see beyond how I could possibly suggest this. 

    We're both a bit broken I think. He says he can't see how this can work out but that he doesn't want it to end.. but equally isn't prepared to try counselling or be open to even the idea of being neurodiverse. As I say, tough times. Thanks so much to all of you: it's been really thought-provoking.

  • eh.... if hes sure adamant that he isnt autistic even though you perhaps can see he clearly is just let it be and let him think hes not.

    as for your problems it sounds like they was at melting point and bad before you even suggested that anyway and doesnt really seem like a very good relationship. perhaps you need to realise if he doesnt show appreciation for you or care for you then perhaps it maybe better to let him go and find a better person that will appreciate and love you no matter what little upsets you cause?

    anyways autism has been used for many years as a insult, especially online. so perhaps he misread your care for him and instead saw it as a insult. like how people on the internet always see everything as a insult these days.

  • It sounds incredibly hard and heartbreaking.

    Perhaps you can get past it, but if you really want to help him, perhaps it's best to start by taking a step back and helping yourself? My ex used to find all manner of possible problems with me, no PhD, anything but always refuse to examine his own behaviour. He would tell me I was trustworthy and make him feel secure and then proceed to wonder why there were problems. How do I communicate my standards and expectations involve principles of engagement he simply didn't think he needed to learn? Regardless of whatever "my" problems were, him suggesting it was something I needed fixing was not only creating isolation, but that he took Zero Responsibility for being dismissive, disregarding, at times dis-compassionate, assuming he could just behave with others or toward me regardless of considering impact and then turn around and tell me I had 'daddy' issues was completely offensive. Years after getting to know me, he realised I clearly don't have father issues but mother issues - this became the default.

    Right, so - we all need partners who are willing to look at themselves, be responsible toward and with us. Being able to recognise what is technically my responsibility to fix or grow out of or mature into takes time and it's easy to do when everyone is engaging the same and alongside.

    NAS75686 said:
    literally years ago telling me what I said at the time that upset him (and that he's never mentioned since - and many of these examples are relatively trivial and/or things you can see where there was likely misunderstanding

    Your first clue to understand your own self is the word 'trivial'. From his point of view these were 'traumatising'. That's a Massive Gap in Experience. You may have been incredibly misaligned in your values. This isn't to say either is at fault. 

    I would think at this point, it would be beneficial to take a step back. Find your self, your values, the things you want in a relationship. It could be after several months as you peel away any facades and allow yourself to self-examine, perhaps you've not actually been happy? Being accused of controlling another can mean several things: I'm out of my element and with the wrong person and sub-consciously trying to build it into something I desire. I need more details, better language and help communicating with another. I'm an older child and used to being in charge after taking too much responsibility as a child. I missed my calling and ended up in a job I'm not suited for when I have extraordinary management skills. This list is extensive. 

    My guess is both of you could learn proper boundaries and how to communicate, but maybe at this point it wouldn't be good to do this together just yet. You may have been expected to meet everyone else's needs while denying your own and if you've done this for 20+ years, I'd need a serious holiday.  Autism or not, the autistic brain type has always been around. When humans treat one with understanding, respect, dependability and kindness rather than contempt, disregard and cruelty (and yes, it's not kind to not give your partner a chance to meet your needs, but this can be from a lack of understanding language), regardless of brain type, there are far less problems in general. Anyone can learn how to respect another. 

  • Not sure my situation will help too much but here it is anyway.  I’ve been married to my undiagnosed AS husband for nearly 50 years and at times it has driven me crazy.  He cant socialise with me because of his fear of people, he like to do everything alone so we don’t do the household jobs together like many couples do, he hates food so cooking for him over the years has been a nightmare and I’ve been the main bread winner for years because he gets frustrated with people he works with and has moved from job to job, never settling on anything  he really wanted to do with his life.

    we’re now both retired and he’s perfectly happy staying at home, sitting in the garden snd reading while I look back snd think of all the things I could have done if he’d been up to it,

    However, we are still together and that’s largely  because I’ve finally realised that he can’t change,  he has no way of understanding the emotions I go through and therefore I’ve kept my thoughts to myself and shielded him from the things I know he finds difficult in life.

    the first 25 years I thought, like you, that my husband was avoiding me deliberately, that he was using me to fund his comfortable life at home (he stayed home and dealt with the children while I went out to work) and that he really didn’t love or appreciate me.  We had endless long discussions over our incompatibilities in the middle of the night (when I was dog tired  and he was suffering his nighty insomnia episodes) and I became incredibly lonely and depressed.

    We went to couples counselling which helped to a point but my husband thought that all of my problems were caused by long working hours and the house he was renovating l, not because of anything related to his behaviour.

    then I did something unforgivable as a result of being so miserable that almost ended our marriage and made me realise he did indeed love me, that he needed me and that  his social problems were phobic rather than deliberate.   I had to rethink our relationship and decide to be the one to change if I wanted to keep things together.  twenty years later here we are, we sit at home together reading, I have a couple of charities I volunteer for which gives me a social outlet snd wr go on holiday once a year to a couple of familiar snd best loved quiet places in the UK

    it hasn’t been easy and I carry a lot of baggage around in my head but I still have my home, my family and a husband who loves me.  I’m his coping mechanism and he’s my rock.

    having an early diagnosis might have explained things but I’m not sure it would have saved my marriage.  I might have made the decision to get out 25 years ago if I’d realised he would never be able to change.

    So really I think you have a decision to make now.  Weigh up what you have together, is it enough for you and are you able to re-think  your relationship to make it work?  If he’s on the spectrum it’s unlikely that he can change himself, and if you love him and want to stay you will have to be the one to make the compromise.

    I don’t know if that will help you but think it through carefully

    K

  • 1. there are autistic people who never accept they are autistic for whatever reason.  u cant make them see a professional

    2. you  are in a good position to say he is autistic and some people use their partners (me)  as evidence 

    3. the fact he has done online tests and they say he is not autistic ( he may be lying of course ) is a serious fact.

    4. coping in work is interesting.  I  now know that other people spot me as different. Even last month a nurse indicated she knew i was autistic, that i had a difference.  People around you are not always brave enough to say  "you not normal". Oes he deal with the general public in his work ?

    5. having friends, are they 'bought'  friends ( sub contractors etc ) or long term from school etc ?

    6. working/building models together with my autistic nephew made me realise i am just like him  so maybe visit the other autistic family member or invite them to your house for tea and U make sure they are talked to.

    7.  my instinct is yea maybe he is autistic, but maybe not, there isnt enough evidence from your text.  

    does he stim, have obsessions, have shutdowns or meltdowns ?  

    8. You cant make him like you or stay with u, i feel bad saying that. does he have other women friends ?

    9. does he have a brother or sister who agree with u that he is autistic/'weird'

    i am just an amateur. Please feel free to ignore everything I say.