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Ghost

Hi, I live in Wales, UK

I'm going through a hard time at the moment and often fantasise about self harming again to release my emotional tension;
I can't even watch a TV episode without breaking down, I'm filled with so much anxiety and frustration

After calling in sick on and off for a few weeks.  I just accepted another 3 months sick leave from my job. I have a 0 hour contract and told them that I wont be back for a long time so they'd probably be better off finding a replacement. So I've probably just lost yet another job..

I can't hold down a part time job for any longer then 3/4 months without melting down, how am I ever supposed to become indipendant and rent or buy my own home? Am I destined to live with my mother for ever?! I turned 32 this year, I hate myself for not being able to cope

I've not been in a relationship for over 3 years. I'm afraid of even having a date, I think they'd be better off finding someone else. But I'm so lonely. I push people I'm attracted to away because I just go blank when I'm around them, Think they could do better, can't cope with the stress or potential emotional rollercoaster of a relationship

I feel so alienated by the world. nothing makes sense.

I only got told that I might have ASD about a month ago and after reading about it and listen to other peoples stories did it really click and I cried for about 20 minutes, realising that I will never have the life I want. realising that I will always struggle

I've suffered from neglect and abuse when I was younger.

I've been really suicidal in the past and self harmed and am worried that I might end up going down that route again.

I am trying to get support. But it's so hard, not really knowing how & having to talk about everything so openly. Stuff I've never told anyone
It's so hard talking to people. Once you say something you can't take it back...

Parents

  • u have a BSC in game design !  well done !

    1. in Youtube look up self-hypnosis videos for anxiety and guided meditations for anxiety and/or relaxation 

    2. also try some depression self-hypnosis/meditations

    do at least one each day 

    keep walking and running these are a type of "meditation by doing" so they are good,  as are the weights

    basically u will have to fix yourself 

    i not saying, dont get advice or support if u can get it everything helps ----- i am highlighting above what worked for me 

    i stopped all alcohol forever. 

    suicidal thoughts in my opinion are ok ( i can now handle them )

    my self harm was removed  by self hypnosis audios over approx 2 years ( on anti-anxiety )   

    ----- self harm isnt a bad thing or a thing to be ashamed of. i see it as a positive,,,, just switch it to non-cutting. 

    stay in work  no matter what 

    stop all "kicking yourself in the a_rse" 

    feel free to ignore everything i have just said

  • in reply to aidie

    Games Concept Design. Sounds a bit concluded but it's concept design for games. So 2D and 3D art skills. Illustration and sculpting. I'm never going to be able to follow it up though because I can't stand being in an office environment. I can't focus in one. University was difficult. Luckily we did our actual work back where we was living.
    Though I do actually do game design and have been making an android game. Though I've not been able to work on it for months now because I've been too... broken

    Exercise is probably the only kind of meditation I can do. Focusing on moving helps stay my mind. Though I do end up needing to pace for upto an hour when I can't push myself outdoors.

    I've been trying to force myself to the mold of neuro-typical people. Day jobs etc. I think I'm done forcing myself out of my comfort zone. I'm going to focus instead on what keeps me feeling calm and safe for now.

    But I thank you for your time to reply

Reply
  • in reply to aidie

    Games Concept Design. Sounds a bit concluded but it's concept design for games. So 2D and 3D art skills. Illustration and sculpting. I'm never going to be able to follow it up though because I can't stand being in an office environment. I can't focus in one. University was difficult. Luckily we did our actual work back where we was living.
    Though I do actually do game design and have been making an android game. Though I've not been able to work on it for months now because I've been too... broken

    Exercise is probably the only kind of meditation I can do. Focusing on moving helps stay my mind. Though I do end up needing to pace for upto an hour when I can't push myself outdoors.

    I've been trying to force myself to the mold of neuro-typical people. Day jobs etc. I think I'm done forcing myself out of my comfort zone. I'm going to focus instead on what keeps me feeling calm and safe for now.

    But I thank you for your time to reply

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