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New here

Ghost

Hi, I live in Wales, UK

I'm going through a hard time at the moment and often fantasise about self harming again to release my emotional tension;
I can't even watch a TV episode without breaking down, I'm filled with so much anxiety and frustration

After calling in sick on and off for a few weeks.  I just accepted another 3 months sick leave from my job. I have a 0 hour contract and told them that I wont be back for a long time so they'd probably be better off finding a replacement. So I've probably just lost yet another job..

I can't hold down a part time job for any longer then 3/4 months without melting down, how am I ever supposed to become indipendant and rent or buy my own home? Am I destined to live with my mother for ever?! I turned 32 this year, I hate myself for not being able to cope

I've not been in a relationship for over 3 years. I'm afraid of even having a date, I think they'd be better off finding someone else. But I'm so lonely. I push people I'm attracted to away because I just go blank when I'm around them, Think they could do better, can't cope with the stress or potential emotional rollercoaster of a relationship

I feel so alienated by the world. nothing makes sense.

I only got told that I might have ASD about a month ago and after reading about it and listen to other peoples stories did it really click and I cried for about 20 minutes, realising that I will never have the life I want. realising that I will always struggle

I've suffered from neglect and abuse when I was younger.

I've been really suicidal in the past and self harmed and am worried that I might end up going down that route again.

I am trying to get support. But it's so hard, not really knowing how & having to talk about everything so openly. Stuff I've never told anyone
It's so hard talking to people. Once you say something you can't take it back...

Parents

  • Have you asked the DWP for a work capability assessment? It may be that you are unable to work due to ill health. Also, are you getting any mental health support privately or from the NHS?

  • in reply to ☕Tassimo ☕

    I got sent for an assessment where she recommended I might have ASD. But there was no follow up support. I've filled out a form to be on a 3+ year waiting list for an official diagnosis and got told I should apply for PIP and talk to some local housing people (Not done that one yet). But the form requires to be so forthcoming with information and is really tough for me to do.  I'm getting a phone call support in a week from Citizen's Advice to help me fill it out correctly which I've been really nervous about and then there's the in person assessment.

    I don't want to do any of it. I just want hide. I have fantasies of just getting in my car and running away. I know that none of that is going to help so I've been pushing myself.

    I'm under pressure from my mother to move out and I do think having my own space could help a lot but I struggle with sounds/ Misophonia and am really worried I'll be place somewhere that's harder, like a flat or next to loud neighbors. And then I think I would struggle with bills and the cost of everything is SO HIGH I would be in a constant fear...

    I've been talking to an advanced practitioner at my local health center. She's given me the time off work. The time has been really helpful. But I'm so uncertain about my future. Will I ever be able to hold down a job? Or will I just keep bouncing around? I wanted to be a games artist it was my one big dream. I even got a degree. But the idea of working in a busy office terrifies me and I'm not even that good at it...  I try and work from but I couldn't make enough money and I kept giving myself too much time off and I got overwhelmed by everything

  • in reply to Ghost

    Being a mother I'm curious why yours thinks you should move out. 

    Humans need community if even just our family or a small group. We aren't meant for total isolation, as per Erich Fromm's Revolution of Hope. 

    Our working class leaves youth to suffer and propagates the working class. While those with more money buy their offspring houses or gift them castles, train them to take over their empires, so they just cascade into a job, without added worry, with back up, tools, resources, a sort of community. It's not perfect, but it doesn't perpetuate a cycle. And for those of us disabled by a functioning society, it's even worse. My parents left me to figure it out and I swore I'd never do that to my kid. 

    I'm sorry you have to go through this. 

    Ghost said:
    I wanted to be a games artist it was my one big dream. I even got a degree. But the idea of working in a busy office terrifies me and I'm not even that good at it...

    This is very interesting, though! I think most of these offices cater to ND individuals. And there are so many companies looking... From what I understand they can afford to give you a little space of your own (preferably by a window for natural light). It can't hurt to put on your CV that you're autistic. Or have you thought of building your own game? I may know a few music graduates interested in sound design for games.

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  • in reply to Ghost

    Being a mother I'm curious why yours thinks you should move out. 

    Humans need community if even just our family or a small group. We aren't meant for total isolation, as per Erich Fromm's Revolution of Hope. 

    Our working class leaves youth to suffer and propagates the working class. While those with more money buy their offspring houses or gift them castles, train them to take over their empires, so they just cascade into a job, without added worry, with back up, tools, resources, a sort of community. It's not perfect, but it doesn't perpetuate a cycle. And for those of us disabled by a functioning society, it's even worse. My parents left me to figure it out and I swore I'd never do that to my kid. 

    I'm sorry you have to go through this. 

    Ghost said:
    I wanted to be a games artist it was my one big dream. I even got a degree. But the idea of working in a busy office terrifies me and I'm not even that good at it...

    This is very interesting, though! I think most of these offices cater to ND individuals. And there are so many companies looking... From what I understand they can afford to give you a little space of your own (preferably by a window for natural light). It can't hurt to put on your CV that you're autistic. Or have you thought of building your own game? I may know a few music graduates interested in sound design for games.

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