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New here

Ghost

Hi, I live in Wales, UK

I'm going through a hard time at the moment and often fantasise about self harming again to release my emotional tension;
I can't even watch a TV episode without breaking down, I'm filled with so much anxiety and frustration

After calling in sick on and off for a few weeks.  I just accepted another 3 months sick leave from my job. I have a 0 hour contract and told them that I wont be back for a long time so they'd probably be better off finding a replacement. So I've probably just lost yet another job..

I can't hold down a part time job for any longer then 3/4 months without melting down, how am I ever supposed to become indipendant and rent or buy my own home? Am I destined to live with my mother for ever?! I turned 32 this year, I hate myself for not being able to cope

I've not been in a relationship for over 3 years. I'm afraid of even having a date, I think they'd be better off finding someone else. But I'm so lonely. I push people I'm attracted to away because I just go blank when I'm around them, Think they could do better, can't cope with the stress or potential emotional rollercoaster of a relationship

I feel so alienated by the world. nothing makes sense.

I only got told that I might have ASD about a month ago and after reading about it and listen to other peoples stories did it really click and I cried for about 20 minutes, realising that I will never have the life I want. realising that I will always struggle

I've suffered from neglect and abuse when I was younger.

I've been really suicidal in the past and self harmed and am worried that I might end up going down that route again.

I am trying to get support. But it's so hard, not really knowing how & having to talk about everything so openly. Stuff I've never told anyone
It's so hard talking to people. Once you say something you can't take it back...

Parents

  • Hi,
    I am so sorry you feel like that. I dont know what to say about the job situation as I have had so many different jobs in my life and have struggled to keep many of them
    Im here for you if you ever need to talk. You just know you are a worthwhile person and no matter what anyone says about you you always will be 

    Life will get better, I have been where you were and although I still struggle a lot it has got better

  • in reply to Billy87

    I just can't make any progress. I feel like such a looser and a waste of space. No job, no money, no home, no fun. I can't break the cycle
    People ask you about what you do or what you've done. I just. Hate answering that question.  Work is so stressful. Being told I'm working too slow or getting freaked out about the smallest things. Dealing with customers on a days where I just felt so numb.

    I blanked all my co-workers for a whole day by tipping my hat down because I just couldn't deal with them that day.  I also have misophonia so working around people eating is a nightmare and don't even get me started on office spaces.

    I did some shifts in a bar and pretty sure I have PTSD, some of the guys do "joke attacks" which I'm sure is just meant as light hearted playing around. but I got into full freak out mode.  I ended up having to ask one to not do stuff like that because I had an abusive childhood. It just.. kind of slipped out. Since then I've not been able to look him in the eye.. I hate that I can't be normal, that I can't be one of the guys. Needing to ask for special treatment. That people need to tip toe around me?

    I just, don't even know what work to look for anymore.  I get overwhelmed and shut down. I struggle with sleep and then I struggle with waking up and then lack of sleep and stress magnifies everything

    What kind of jobs have you done? Which ones did you feel like fit you the best and why?

Reply
  • in reply to Billy87

    I just can't make any progress. I feel like such a looser and a waste of space. No job, no money, no home, no fun. I can't break the cycle
    People ask you about what you do or what you've done. I just. Hate answering that question.  Work is so stressful. Being told I'm working too slow or getting freaked out about the smallest things. Dealing with customers on a days where I just felt so numb.

    I blanked all my co-workers for a whole day by tipping my hat down because I just couldn't deal with them that day.  I also have misophonia so working around people eating is a nightmare and don't even get me started on office spaces.

    I did some shifts in a bar and pretty sure I have PTSD, some of the guys do "joke attacks" which I'm sure is just meant as light hearted playing around. but I got into full freak out mode.  I ended up having to ask one to not do stuff like that because I had an abusive childhood. It just.. kind of slipped out. Since then I've not been able to look him in the eye.. I hate that I can't be normal, that I can't be one of the guys. Needing to ask for special treatment. That people need to tip toe around me?

    I just, don't even know what work to look for anymore.  I get overwhelmed and shut down. I struggle with sleep and then I struggle with waking up and then lack of sleep and stress magnifies everything

    What kind of jobs have you done? Which ones did you feel like fit you the best and why?

Children
  • in reply to Ghost

    You are not a loser or a waste of space! Please believe me on that, we are all unique and different. Thats why we are on here, because life has treated us badly and we dont understand why. 

    As far as jobs go I dont think bar work is a good idea as an autistic person, there are alot of triggers there. I couldnt do it

    I think find a job with gentle, understanding people. I work as a teaching assistant in a college and before that I worked with special needs children. I find as an autistic person one of the greatest comforts I can have in life is knowing I am helping other people like me. 

    I have bounced around so many jobs though, I can never usually cope with one for more than a couple of months at a time and I have been unemployed alot

    My current job I have been in for 2 and a half years and thats the longest ive ever done. I still struggle with it though. I am 34 and I was 32 when my life started to get better. Hopefully yours will too

    Maybe try and make friends with other autistic people, there are support groups around and stuff. If thats not an option there is something else. I find that its easier to be friends with other people who arnt entirlely "normal" even if they arnt autistic. Like I dont think I have a single friend that I would say is a 100% "normal" person. They all have their own hangups which makes me feel safer about being around them. I also find women are sometimes more understanding than men, I struggle with making "normal" male friends

    Anything you need to talk about just let me know. Im here!