I know I have posted on here in the past, things have gotten pretty bad since then and I want to try and help others.
I’ve always tried not to compare myself to others, even though growing up culturally there were natural comparison between myself and other relatives. It then dawned on me particularly when I just turned 26, that I had missed life experiences. The problem is I have difficulty in trusting people and conforming to societal norms due to bad past experiences. I also don’t do well in group conversations, which is what 95% of the conversations seem to require you to do. I want to be above average in the romantic and social sense but it kills me knowing that I am way below average in those areas, people have said that I am a perfectionist or have Imposter’s Syndrome.
Although on the outset people may not notice my lack of social skills this at first but when I want to try and create the best impression especially, it is quite noticeable and people then avoid or ignore me afterwards. I can be friendly but when it comes to flirting with women, that's where it becomes next to impossible partly due to bad experiences it has lessened my confidence, which is an immediate turn off.
As mentioned, I don’t create the best first impressions, but people often misinterpret what I say or think that I’m weird, which frustrates me as I just want to be normal and have been forced into a wide array of social activities growing up, but still have problems. In all the workplaces I’ve been to it is frowned upon for being single and friendless so I have often had to lie about that, something I don’t like doing.
I don’t like to compare myself with others but when you have grown up with that plus being surrounded by it, this becomes impossible to ignore. I tried to use alcohol to calm social nerves but it does the opposite of what it should do in such a setting particularly at workplace situations. When I hardly speak it is considered strange but when I talk too much it is also consider odd. Although I enjoy the work I do in my current place, the social aspect is examined closely and so have to try to be normal or be fired. Most of people can adapt to different social situations from a cultural and demographic point of view, I can explain this in more detail through private message as it is difficult to understand or explain in a forum answer.
I want to enjoy my interests and be able to fit in getting friends and dating but my brain is so divided. I can enjoy things but then be reminded 20 mins that these interests won’t get you anywhere etc. It seems most people go with the flow or can live in the present but I have to examine everything before as this pursuit is one that originally caused depression. I may be talking absolute rubbish but I just want to be someone who goes with the flow rather than having a spectator’s view of life every second of the day. Suicide just seems more likely and every week for a variety of reasons but to summarise you can’t factory reset yourself into forgetting past events and you can’t remove anxiety for the future. I have tried medication, alcohol, smoking, therapy and with these my brain is able to override the effects of each both short-term and long-term. I’m graduating in a few weeks but always find a way to be negative about this. Although I do have my parents, it’s because I have spent a lot of time at home, which has caused me to be more lonely knowing that it will take a long time to get away from the city to save up. I want to enjoy pursuing my interests, socialising and exploring nature but it only takes a little bit of negativity for my brain to put it morbidly, converting something like a bridge from, something you walk across to something you can jump off. This way of thinking may be strange but whereas for some self awareness is great for me it has taunted me ever since the age of 11, which has increased tenfold in the last 5 years.
Overall, I don’t want to think like this but it is circumstantial not based on a predicted outcome for the day. Although I don’t have anyone to talk about suicide, I do want to try and help other adults whether that is through advice on looking for work, interests, depression etc. If you need any advice or want to know more then please feel free to message me or you can put it in the forum post, hopefully I can be of help in some way.
