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No direction in life due to a divided brain and other things

Simon Ganthet

I know I have posted on here in the past, things have gotten pretty bad since then and I want to try and help others.

I’ve always tried not to compare myself to others, even though growing up culturally there were natural comparison between myself and other relatives. It then dawned on me particularly when I just turned 26, that I had missed life experiences. The problem is I have difficulty in trusting people and conforming to societal norms due to bad past experiences. I also don’t do well in group conversations, which is what 95% of the conversations seem to require you to do. I want to be above average in the romantic and social sense but it kills me knowing that I am way below average in those areas, people have said that I am a perfectionist or have Imposter’s Syndrome.

Although on the outset people may not notice my lack of social skills this at first but when I want to try and create the best impression especially, it is quite noticeable and people then avoid or ignore me afterwards. I can be friendly but when it comes to flirting with women, that's where it becomes next to impossible partly due to bad experiences it has lessened my confidence, which is an immediate turn off.

As mentioned, I don’t create the best first impressions, but people often misinterpret what I say or think that I’m weird, which frustrates me as I just want to be normal and have been forced into a wide array of social activities growing up, but still have problems. In all the workplaces I’ve been to it is frowned upon for being single and friendless so I have often had to lie about that, something I don’t like doing.

I don’t like to compare myself with others but when you have grown up with that plus being surrounded by it, this becomes impossible to ignore. I tried to use alcohol to calm social nerves but it does the opposite of what it should do in such a setting particularly at workplace situations. When I hardly speak it is considered strange but when I talk too much it is also consider odd. Although I enjoy the work I do in my current place, the social aspect is examined closely and so have to try to be normal or be fired. Most of people can adapt to different social situations from a cultural and demographic point of view, I can explain this in more detail through private message as it is difficult to understand or explain in a forum answer.

I want to enjoy my interests and be able to fit in getting friends and dating but my brain is so divided. I can enjoy things but then be reminded 20 mins that these interests won’t get you anywhere etc.  It seems most people go with the flow or can live in the present but I have to examine everything before as this pursuit is one that originally caused depression. I may be talking absolute rubbish but I just want to be someone who goes with the flow rather than having a spectator’s view of life every second of the day. Suicide just seems more likely and every week for a variety of reasons but to summarise you can’t factory reset yourself into forgetting past events and you can’t remove anxiety for the future. I have tried medication, alcohol, smoking, therapy and with these my brain is able to override the effects of each both short-term and long-term. I’m graduating in a few weeks but always find a way to be negative about this. Although I do have my parents, it’s because I have spent a lot of time at home, which has caused me to be more lonely knowing that it will take a long time to get away from the city to save up. I want to enjoy pursuing my interests, socialising and exploring nature but it only takes a little bit of negativity for my brain to put it morbidly, converting something like a bridge from, something you walk across to something you can jump off. This way of thinking may be strange but whereas for some self awareness is great for me it has taunted me ever since the age of 11, which has increased tenfold in the last 5 years.

Overall, I don’t want to think like this but it is circumstantial not based on a predicted outcome for the day. Although I don’t have anyone to talk about suicide, I do want to try and help other adults whether that is through advice on looking for work, interests, depression etc. If you need any advice or want to know more then please feel free to message me or you can put it in the forum post, hopefully I can be of help in some way.

  • in reply to Daniel

    I think when I mean “normal people” I should rephrase to people  who can confine to social chit chat in a dynamic way and talking about random stuff or swearing, not at people but when I do it tends to be when I make a mistake. It’s difficult to understand but given the nature of the work it is pretty important and would class as special case workplaces. I do get what you are saying but it is based on keeping your cool under pressure.  

  • in reply to NAS75317

    I’m a bit confused. I can shed light on this area.

    There are moments where I don’t talk and when I talk a lot and I’m both cases it comes across not as intended. Despite this I enjoy the work I do but the social aspect can be frustrating at times.

    Regarding cultural and demographics. It is speaking to members of my cultural community in a certain way vs work, although I only know English. It is completely different not only that but have difficulty speaking to people around my age and tend to get along better with people much older. Hope that clears a few things up.

  • in reply to ☕Tassimo ☕

     Thanks Tassimo, I think that the problem, is that e.g. I was having a great day at work and then I finished one task too late and got stuck into a negative spiral which then causes lack of kindness. It is something that has happened even before depression. Most of my colleagues are great but I want to strive to be best that I can be but one thing that goes wrong ruins it. I want to get rid of this thinking, but it is hard wired into every aspect of life such as dating, socialising, academics and even my own interests. I want to try and help, in what little way I can whether that is having a look at someone’s skill set for jobs etc, it will keep me distracted and become less selfish but also trying to assist and hopefully make a difference. 

  • Simon,

    "Normal" is so easy to refute and report to higher authorities that being sacked is based on personal matters, and not professional matters.

    The truth is, there is no such thing as "normal people," communication and interaction is a two way street, it's not all your responsibility. If they don't take your differences into consideration it can be classified as discrimination, as long as your differences are not stopping you from doing the job, and are not hurting people, it's discrimination.

  • I talk too much it is also consider odd. Although I enjoy the work I do in my current place, the social aspect is examined closely and so have to try to be normal or be fired. Most of people can adapt to different social situations from a cultural and demographic point of view.

  • Hello, Simon. Welcome (back) to the forum. It's a noble aim to want to help people, but take care of yourself first. When you are not at peace with yourself, you won't be able to bring peace to others. If you want to spread kindness in the world, first you have to be kind to yourself.