Hi everyone,
I’ve recently come to realise that I may have autism, and having spent some time researching, reading stories of other people who are autistic, and having taken several different online self assessments (each with 30 questions) which have highlighted I am highly likely to be on the autistic spectrum, I feel like there are so many things that now make sense to me. My wife also feels hugely relieved and positive about a possible diagnosis as it could really help with our relationship.
However, I now feel very anxious about the “what if I was assessed and told that I am not autistic”. I’ll then feel like I don’t know why I am the way I am, and I’ll possibly feel worse than before, before making any connection to a possibly diagnosis. Here are some of the things I’ve written down that appear to put me somewhere on the spectrum.
- I become obsessed and completely consumed by certain things, such as a hobby/interest or when purchasing a house for example. When I obsess over something, it’s all I can focus on and think about, even if it’s a low priority. In the above two examples: 1) When buying my house, all I could think about day to day for months was getting things sorted for solicitors, the estate agent, the mortgage advisor, looking at the house I was buying over and over again, thinking about it constantly, for weeks/months on end. 2) I recently took up tennis, and I think about it constantly. I watch videos on techniques when I should be working, I put it on the TV when it’s live, I’m having 1-2-1 lessons as well as class lessons and I’m playing 4-5 times a week. People laugh and say “you’re obsessed” and I say “I know”, and I am, but I’ve normalised this in my self because it’s how I am with anything I am interested in or have a focus on.
- I am incredibly solution focused, and instead of showing empathy, I look straight away for a solution. if my wife is upset about something, I try to offer solutions to her problems, even if she’s not asked for that, when all she actually wants is comfort and empathy. I find it really difficult to understand why anyone wouldn’t want a solution and would just want comfort instead. All I ever want to receive or to give is just solutions, that’s what I think is most helpful
- When travelling somewhere, I think about everything in absolute minute detail, especially if it’s somewhere I’ve been before. I visualise everything in detail, such as not only where I’m going to park, but exactly how I’m going to park. I get extremely anxious if I’m late and extremely stressed and upset if things aren’t going to plan. I like to know exact details, otherwise I find I’m very stressed.
- I interrupt people who are talking to me, because I think I know what they’re going to say and I can’t wait any longer to respond. I like to do everything as efficiently as possible and in the most effective and fastest method possible, and I think that once I know what someone is going to say, there’s no point in waiting for them to finish. I know it’s rude, and I realise afterwards, and it’s not even as though I’m in a rush to end the conversation. Ironically, I also end up repeating what I’m saying a few times before finishing talking, but I only realise I’ve done this afterwards, or maybe I realise on the 3rd 4th time I’m saying it and then stop.
- I spend time thinking about what I’m going to say back to the person, instead of listening to what they’re saying. I think this is because I don’t want to forget the point I was going to make, and that once I’m thinking about something, I find it hard to refocus. I also visualise everything in picture form or movie form in my head as someone is talking to me, especially if they’re describing something in a level of detail. This possibly effects my ability to listen to them properly, I’m not sure.
- I find hearing people in loud-ish environments almost impossible. If I’m out with a group of people at a bar/pub, I look around at everyone having completely normal conversations and appearing to not struggle at all, whereas I’m sat just nodding and smiling and trying to pretend like I can hear the person speaking to me, when I actually can’t hear a word they’re saying. I think I’m distracted by other conversations and noises, they appear louder to me maybe, and it stops me from being able to hear the person talking to me.
- I find it really difficult to engage or start conversation in a social group situation, especially if there’s someone there who I know talks a lot, I end up being very introvert and would prefer to just listen to everyone else than say anything myself.
- I think that if I’ve had a heavily stimulated day or stressful day, I like to do things like shake my leg or bounce my foot to help me to relax. I find playing a video game or watching something I’ve seen a million times helps me to switch off. Speaking of which, I know the entire transcript to multiple films, such as Dodgeball, Pretty Women, Home Alone 1 and 2, Road Trip, Dude Where’s My Car, A Bronx Tale, there’s quite a few, where I’ve just seen them over and over again because it helps me relax to hear something I’m familiar with.
The reason I feel like I won’t be diagnosed as autistic is because so much of the diagnostic criteria seem to point to extreme social difficulties and stunted development from a child. I don’t really have this, apart from the bits above that relate to some social scenarios.
Id love to hear from anyone who can relate, offer advice or support. Thanks for reading. X
