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I’m anxious that I don’t have autism.

RB

Hi everyone,

I’ve recently come to realise that I may have autism, and having spent some time researching, reading stories of other people who are autistic, and having taken several different online self assessments (each with 30 questions) which have highlighted I am highly likely to be on the autistic spectrum, I feel like there are so many things that now make sense to me. My wife also feels hugely relieved and positive about a possible diagnosis as it could really help with our relationship. 

However, I now feel very anxious about the “what if I was assessed and told that I am not autistic”. I’ll then feel like I don’t know why I am the way I am, and I’ll possibly feel worse than before, before making any connection to a possibly diagnosis. Here are some of the things I’ve written down that appear to put me somewhere on the spectrum.  

  • I become obsessed and completely consumed by certain things, such as a hobby/interest or when purchasing a house for example. When I obsess over something, it’s all I can focus on and think about, even if it’s a low priority. In the above two examples: 1) When buying my house, all I could think about day to day for months was getting things sorted for solicitors, the estate agent, the mortgage advisor, looking at the house I was buying over and over again, thinking about it constantly, for weeks/months on end. 2) I recently took up tennis, and I think about it constantly. I watch videos on techniques when I should be working, I put it on the TV when it’s live, I’m having 1-2-1 lessons as well as class lessons and I’m playing 4-5 times a week. People laugh and say “you’re obsessed” and I say “I know”, and I am, but I’ve normalised this in my self because it’s how I am with anything I am interested in or have a focus on. 
  • I am incredibly solution focused, and instead of showing empathy, I look straight away for a solution. if my wife is upset about something, I try to offer solutions to her problems, even if she’s not asked for that, when all she actually wants is comfort and empathy. I find it really difficult to understand why anyone wouldn’t want a solution and would just want comfort instead. All I ever want to receive or to give is just solutions, that’s what I think is most helpful
  • When travelling somewhere, I think about everything in absolute minute detail, especially if it’s somewhere I’ve been before. I visualise everything in detail, such as not only where I’m going to park, but exactly how I’m going to park. I get extremely anxious if I’m late and extremely stressed and upset if things aren’t going to plan. I like to know exact details, otherwise I find I’m very stressed.
  • I interrupt people who are talking to me, because I think I know what they’re going to say and I can’t wait any longer to respond. I like to do everything as efficiently as possible and in the most effective and fastest method possible, and I think that once I know what someone is going to say, there’s no point in waiting for them to finish. I know it’s rude, and I realise afterwards, and it’s not even as though I’m in a rush to end the conversation. Ironically, I also end up repeating what I’m saying a few times before finishing talking, but I only realise I’ve done this afterwards, or maybe I realise on the 3rd 4th time I’m saying it and then stop.
  • I spend time thinking about what I’m going to say back to the person, instead of listening to what they’re saying. I think this is because I don’t want to forget the point I was going to make, and that once I’m thinking about something, I find it hard to refocus. I also visualise everything in picture form or movie form in my head as someone is talking to me, especially if they’re describing something in a level of detail. This possibly effects my ability to listen to them properly, I’m not sure.
  • I find hearing people in loud-ish environments almost impossible. If I’m out with a group of people at a bar/pub, I look around at everyone having completely normal conversations and appearing to not struggle at all, whereas I’m sat just nodding and smiling and trying to pretend like I can hear the person speaking to me, when I actually can’t hear a word they’re saying. I think I’m distracted by other conversations and noises, they appear louder to me maybe, and it stops me from being able to hear the person talking to me.
  • I find it really difficult to engage or start conversation in a social group situation, especially if there’s someone there who I know talks a lot, I end up being very introvert and would prefer to just listen to everyone else than say anything myself.
  • I think that if I’ve had a heavily stimulated day or stressful day, I like to do things like shake my leg or bounce my foot to help me to relax. I find playing a video game or watching something I’ve seen a million times helps me to switch off. Speaking of which, I know the entire transcript to multiple films, such as Dodgeball, Pretty Women, Home Alone 1 and 2, Road Trip, Dude Where’s My Car, A Bronx Tale, there’s quite a few, where I’ve just seen them over and over again because it helps me relax to hear something I’m familiar with.

The reason I feel like I won’t be diagnosed as autistic is because so much of the diagnostic criteria seem to point to extreme social difficulties and stunted development from a child. I don’t really have this, apart from the bits above that relate to some social scenarios. 


Id love to hear from anyone who can relate, offer advice or support. Thanks for reading. X

Parents

  • Hello, RB.

    The uncertainty you are experiencing (and the uncomfortable feelings it produces) is a natural reaction when you are having any kind of assessment and are awaiting the result. Especially one such as this where the personal and emotional stakes are high. 

    What advice are you asking for exactly? It's not clear to me.  Are you wanting an opinion on whether you are autistic (based on what you have written)? If so, then based purely on what you have written, you have described some classic autistic traits.

    Or, are you asking for advice about what to do if the assessment finds that you are not autistic? If you disagree with the diagnosis then are entitled to ask for a second opinion. Or, if you are convinced you are autistic, you can now pay for a private diagnosis (a quick google search will bring up locations and costs). 

    It's important to understand that although the current assessment model only provides a Yes/No result, there are different types of autism, and the spectrum of traits related to autism is—well, it is a spectrum, so it could be that you don't receive a diagnosis, but you do have the Broader Autism Phenotype (BAP). 

    Only time will tell, and I would urge you to be kind to yourself in the meantime and try to avoid too much rumination on the possible outcomes. It could feed your insecurity more and make you worry more. Stay in the present, use mindfulness techniques, develop some self-compassion and give yourself some breathing space. 

  • in reply to ☕Tassimo ☕

    Hi Tassimo,

    Thanks so much for your response. I am mostly seeking the support from others who may have been in a similar situation to me. This is all very new to me, and up until recently, I really didn't ever consider the fact that I may be autistic, or have any other condition for that matter. It's helpful to me to hear other peoples stories that could be similar, I will find comfort in that, I'm sure. 

    Thank you for the advise around the assessment side of things also. This is really helpful. I will certainly try to be kind to myself in the mean time, and will try to do more mindfulness and give myself more breathing space. :) Thanks again.

Reply
  • in reply to ☕Tassimo ☕

    Hi Tassimo,

    Thanks so much for your response. I am mostly seeking the support from others who may have been in a similar situation to me. This is all very new to me, and up until recently, I really didn't ever consider the fact that I may be autistic, or have any other condition for that matter. It's helpful to me to hear other peoples stories that could be similar, I will find comfort in that, I'm sure. 

    Thank you for the advise around the assessment side of things also. This is really helpful. I will certainly try to be kind to myself in the mean time, and will try to do more mindfulness and give myself more breathing space. :) Thanks again.

Children
  • in reply to RB

    I can relate to what you say about not considering the possibility of autism, RB. When I received the call from the Assessment Team with a positive diagnosis, I was so surprised that I lost my balance and almost fell over. The fact I had gone for an assessment was in itself only because of a chance encounter with a psychologist with experience in autism, and because of his insistence on referring me. I was seeing him for something unrelated (I been diagnosed with—and treated for—generalised anxiety disorder for many years). I remember finding some of his questions rather odd in the context of a standard medication review. Now, I realise that he was actually conducting his own mini-assessment during our appointment, though I didn't know that at the time. 

    In terms of the doubt about the results, I have to say that I never thought about the assessment—which I only went through out of curiosity— right up until it came around.

    Fast forward to today.

    Since my diagnosis, I've received a lot of support from an autism specialist and my life has dramatically changed for the better with this new understanding of why I behave and think the way I do. It's given me a new way of looking at the many aspects of my life that used to cause me so much distress (inability to hold down a job or follow a career path, constant social faux-pas, inability and unwillingness to maintain an intimate relationship, and a shaky educational background).  I'd come to the conclusion that I'd failed in all these areas and each failure had become a source of embarrassment and regret to me. 

    I'm almost 50 now, so it makes me glad that not everyone has to wait as long as me to be able to make some sense of their lives, and can get a chance to be able to live out the rest of their days in a kinder, more compassionate relationship with themselves. 

    Good luck!