Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm not really sure how to approach this question as it's something I've struggled with my entire life.
I'm also now aware of the statistics for autistic people in employment. Something I didn't even think about or know about until my recent diagnosis. So please, forgive me if I inadvertently cross the line somewhere.
So, I have been self-employed for around 20yrs, and I've had a lot of freedom and relative success in my work. But, I have never wanted to work, and I am rarely motivated by work. I do my work because I have to earn money, and I never wanted a regular job.
I have had regular jobs, when I was younger, but I never found them particularly valuable or stimulating. The things I enjoyed most were the driving from job to job, or driving across Europe for an event. I think it was the sense of autonomy and adventure that I enjoyed. But when it came to doing the actual work, not interested in any shape or form.
Maybe I'm just super lazy.
A personal interest eventually became my career, but not through desire. It was the least worst option. I could do something I found relatively interesting, and earn some money doing it. And I didn't really have to sell myself, people would seek me out.
But the work involved dealing with people on a one-to-one basis, creating/designing/inventing something in situ, and dealing with demands and expectations. This was/is always difficult for me. Balancing freedom and autonomy, career success, and external and perceived demands. Maybe I have low self esteem, or imposter syndrome, but it always feels like it's too much.
Another problem I have is I'm not motivated by money, That combined with 'laziness' and impulsiveness meant that I would be reluctant to take on work, cancel work, and feel irritated when I actually took on work. That behaviour would get me into financial difficulties on numerous occasions. I can't easily be swayed by money, and given a choice between work and no work, I would often choose no work.
I think this might be an issue of values, of motivation, and some form of demand avoidance.
Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I am to have my work, even if I don't really appreciate it. And I'm fortunate enough that it pays well enough for me to be fickle about it, and it gives me a lot of leeway.
But I've never really understood why we obsess so much about work, financial needs aside, and nobody has been able to answer me. Or maybe they just didn't understand the question. Most people seem to answer on a practical level, but I tend to be asking on a philosophical/existential level.
So, in reality, I don't want to work, I've never wanted to work, I'm not really interested in money, but we need money, and I'm a materialist. Aargh
Also, to clarify. I'm not from a wealthy background, no inheritance etc, we were often scraping to make ends meet, council estate tenants. I was in debt when I was 16/17. So this doesn't come from a place of financial security, this comes from somewhere else.
Now I'm not really sure if this is a question or a statement, but I'd love to know how you all deal with this kind of thing.
I relate to your use of the "L" word: Lazy. I have been called that numerous times by friends and family with regard to work. I often think I am lazy.
I recently got an ASC diagnosis although I've had strong suspicions for many years. One thing that I put on my assessment form about my problematic employment history was that the stress of being disciplined/sacked for poor attendance is often outweighed by the stress of just being at work. So I've had a lot of time off "ill", and left various jobs either voluntarily or had my marching orders. "Lazy" is an easy label to use about my behaviour.
My recent diagnosis has bolstered my belief that the work and education systems we have in this country are not for me. I hated being at school, being at work is really hard and applying for jobs is a nightmare.
I'm hoping that now I have a diagnosis I can put the "lazy" falsehood behind me despite it being engrained. Finding other people here who struggle with employment is most reassuring.
I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm lazy, although others might disagree, because I can be very focused on my work if I am engaged.
The problem is, my mental energy and engagement can drop pretty quickly, even when doing things I want to do.
My diagnosis has helped me think about how I function and what is best for my productivity, and I've basically explained to my clients that when I'm done (engagement/focus etc) the work stops and we'll resume another day. I've stopped concerning myself with absolute deadlines and expectations.
I'm lucky that my work allows for this, and my clients seek me out for certain qualities. Although it might be inconvenient for them they know if they want a quality result, it has to be done my way. I've always been about quality not quantity when it comes to my work.
I don't really get the working all hours thing, so I try to provide the highest quality work that I can, with a price to match, meaning I don't have to work so often. Again, I know I'm very lucky to be able to do this, but even then it can feel like a chore.
I did burn out a few years back, and tried to get a job instead. Massive fail, although I didn't try very hard. I hadn't had a job interview since the 90s and had no idea what you're supposed to do. I also found a few job vacancies didn't line up with what was being advertised. Almost as if they want you to be able to do everything and anything.
Some jobs I looked at were expecting things that in my mind were distinct roles with separate salaries to match. I read that as one person doing several jobs for one person's pay. No thank you.
Yes, I hated school, couldn't understand why I was there. I did well in the sciences though. Poorly in the humanities.
Always distracted, always dreaming.