How do you feel about working?

I'm not really sure how to approach this question as it's something I've struggled with my entire life.

I'm also now aware of the statistics for autistic people in employment. Something I didn't even think about or know about until my recent diagnosis. So please, forgive me if I inadvertently cross the line somewhere.

So, I have been self-employed for around 20yrs, and I've had a lot of freedom and relative success in my work. But, I have never wanted to work, and I am rarely motivated by work. I do my work because I have to earn money, and I never wanted a regular job.

I have had regular jobs, when I was younger, but I never found them particularly valuable or stimulating. The things I enjoyed most were the driving from job to job, or driving across Europe for an event. I think it was the sense of autonomy and adventure that I enjoyed. But when it came to doing the actual work, not interested in any shape or form.

Maybe I'm just super lazy.

A personal interest eventually became my career, but not through desire. It was the least worst option. I could do something I found relatively interesting, and earn some money doing it. And I didn't really have to sell myself, people would seek me out.

But the work involved dealing with people on a one-to-one basis, creating/designing/inventing something in situ, and dealing with demands and expectations. This was/is always difficult for me. Balancing freedom and autonomy, career success, and external and perceived demands. Maybe I have low self esteem, or imposter syndrome, but it always feels like it's too much.

Another problem I have is I'm not motivated by money, That combined with 'laziness' and impulsiveness meant that I would be reluctant to take on work, cancel work, and feel irritated when I actually took on work. That behaviour would get me into financial difficulties on numerous occasions. I can't easily be swayed by money, and given a choice between work and no work, I would often choose no work.

I think this might be an issue of values, of motivation, and some form of demand avoidance.

Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I am to have my work, even if I don't really appreciate it. And I'm fortunate enough that it pays well enough for me to be fickle about it, and it gives me a lot of leeway.

But I've never really understood why we obsess so much about work, financial needs aside, and nobody has been able to answer me. Or maybe they just didn't understand the question. Most people seem to answer on a practical level, but I tend to be asking on a philosophical/existential level.

So, in reality, I don't want to work, I've never wanted to work, I'm not really interested in money, but we need money, and I'm a materialist. Aargh

Also, to clarify. I'm not from a wealthy background, no inheritance etc, we were often scraping to make ends meet, council estate tenants. I was in debt when I was 16/17. So this doesn't come from a place of financial security, this comes from somewhere else.

Now I'm not really sure if this is a question or a statement, but I'd love to know how you all deal with this kind of thing.