Being in love with a friend…

Man, this read just like a situation I was in around ten years ago. I was in my mid-twenties. I'd met a guy during university, and we tried to date then, but it didn't work out. We became friends. I look back now and I understand much of that was because he understood the quirks that I would come to understand as my autism. The friendship was like few others were and ever would be, because connections like that were rare. Both gay men, we would hang out, but also be hooking up with others and often sharing those stories, but I, socially inept as I was, hooked up with far fewer people.

It's not really going to be advice in the truest sense, because I don't think I handled it well at all really, but I can tell you what happened and maybe at least it can constitute a warning. Although there is a key difference between your situation and mine, and that is we weren't having sex. I do wonder if maybe things would've gone differently if he'd been into me physically.

I fell in love with him. The physical, emotional, and intellectual attractions meant it could only really come to that, I think. But we'd tried to date early on- it didn't work, and it was clear he wasn't so into me physically. So while I was developing stronger feelings I was pretty sure they weren't reciprocated (at least not in a way that translates into a romantic/sexual relationship). I became desperate to hang onto the friendship because I was so into him, and because we enjoyed each others company.. but more critically I felt no other friendships I had even came close, so I would have nothing else if I lost him. It became unhealthy; I was going to visit every weekend at the expense of what other few opportunities to socialise I had, and it was always me putting in the lions share of the effort. I would visit him and his boyfriend and just feel like a third wheel the whole time, but then do it again the next week. Everything else in my life was being starved of attention. I began to realise my jealousy had transformed this from a friendship I was trying to build and enjoy, into me chasing, waiting for something to happen, and feeling awful the whole time. I couldn't sustain it.

I was obviously guilty of not talking this through with him, but it was also clear that he had much less to lose with the way things were, so there wasn't as much need for him to address the situation. I would need to do something or it was likely to go on forever.

For me, the cycle was broken when at a mutual friend's birthday party I took a chance (one of only a few I've ever plucked up the courage to do) and introduced myself to a handsome friend of a friend I'd only seen once before, and we went on a bunch of dates after, and built another relationship there that was much more balanced. My previous friendship faded, which partially intentional, because I had come to view it as toxic, and I began investing my energy elsewhere.

Now, I know my way out was a chance encounter that not everyone can count on, but my real problem wasn't that I needed to wait for an opportunity, but that I had let the friendship become toxic. I don't necessarily know how to avoid that, but I know that avoiding talking about it, and just sitting by while being jealous of his activities and his relationships only meant that those feelings got worse and worse. Without either working on my own feelings so that I no longer wanted to be romantically involved, or talking to him about them to see if something can come of it, then there is no way for that to go except get worse, as far as I can tell.

However, when you don't really have another friendship or social outlet to turn to if this one were to end, then I understand that leaving things as they are feels safer, even with the pain. In lieu of talking to him, or if you don't think you'll be able to change how you feel, then you might think about slowly trying to find friendships and social outlets elsewhere. I think jealousy is rooted in failing to reach your own desires and potential- it's not just about seeing others do something you want to do, or feeling like you would like to be the one who is with them. Jealousy is about a lack of confidence, and a lack of self love, when others seem to be doing a lot of things with their life. Jealousy happens a lot less when you feel like you're in control of your life. I felt it because I felt I was second fiddle to someone who was successfully pursuing his desires. Even if this situation is difficult, you can help yourself just by trying to work on yourself and get that control (it is far easier said than done).

I want to reiterate though that I did not deal with my version of this situation very well, and mainly just wanted to let you know how these things sometimes go, hoping that maybe it helps you.

Man, this read just like a situation I was in around ten years ago. I was in my mid-twenties. I'd met a guy during university, and we tried to date then, but it didn't work out. We became friends. I look back now and I understand much of that was because he understood the quirks that I would come to understand as my autism. The friendship was like few others were and ever would be, because connections like that were rare. Both gay men, we would hang out, but also be hooking up with others and often sharing those stories, but I, socially inept as I was, hooked up with far fewer people.

It's not really going to be advice in the truest sense, because I don't think I handled it well at all really, but I can tell you what happened and maybe at least it can constitute a warning. Although there is a key difference between your situation and mine, and that is we weren't having sex. I do wonder if maybe things would've gone differently if he'd been into me physically.

I fell in love with him. The physical, emotional, and intellectual attractions meant it could only really come to that, I think. But we'd tried to date early on- it didn't work, and it was clear he wasn't so into me physically. So while I was developing stronger feelings I was pretty sure they weren't reciprocated (at least not in a way that translates into a romantic/sexual relationship). I became desperate to hang onto the friendship because I was so into him, and because we enjoyed each others company.. but more critically I felt no other friendships I had even came close, so I would have nothing else if I lost him. It became unhealthy; I was going to visit every weekend at the expense of what other few opportunities to socialise I had, and it was always me putting in the lions share of the effort. I would visit him and his boyfriend and just feel like a third wheel the whole time, but then do it again the next week. Everything else in my life was being starved of attention. I began to realise my jealousy had transformed this from a friendship I was trying to build and enjoy, into me chasing, waiting for something to happen, and feeling awful the whole time. I couldn't sustain it.

I was obviously guilty of not talking this through with him, but it was also clear that he had much less to lose with the way things were, so there wasn't as much need for him to address the situation. I would need to do something or it was likely to go on forever.

For me, the cycle was broken when at a mutual friend's birthday party I took a chance (one of only a few I've ever plucked up the courage to do) and introduced myself to a handsome friend of a friend I'd only seen once before, and we went on a bunch of dates after, and built another relationship there that was much more balanced. My previous friendship faded, which partially intentional, because I had come to view it as toxic, and I began investing my energy elsewhere.

Now, I know my way out was a chance encounter that not everyone can count on, but my real problem wasn't that I needed to wait for an opportunity, but that I had let the friendship become toxic. I don't necessarily know how to avoid that, but I know that avoiding talking about it, and just sitting by while being jealous of his activities and his relationships only meant that those feelings got worse and worse. Without either working on my own feelings so that I no longer wanted to be romantically involved, or talking to him about them to see if something can come of it, then there is no way for that to go except get worse, as far as I can tell.

However, when you don't really have another friendship or social outlet to turn to if this one were to end, then I understand that leaving things as they are feels safer, even with the pain. In lieu of talking to him, or if you don't think you'll be able to change how you feel, then you might think about slowly trying to find friendships and social outlets elsewhere. I think jealousy is rooted in failing to reach your own desires and potential- it's not just about seeing others do something you want to do, or feeling like you would like to be the one who is with them. Jealousy is about a lack of confidence, and a lack of self love, when others seem to be doing a lot of things with their life. Jealousy happens a lot less when you feel like you're in control of your life. I felt it because I felt I was second fiddle to someone who was successfully pursuing his desires. Even if this situation is difficult, you can help yourself just by trying to work on yourself and get that control (it is far easier said than done).

I want to reiterate though that I did not deal with my version of this situation very well, and mainly just wanted to let you know how these things sometimes go, hoping that maybe it helps you.