Being in love with a friend…

Friendship is a type of intimacy. They've also slept together. I would suggest that the source of his dilemma is not falling in love with a friend but the anxiety of falling in love with someone who might not be in the same place emotionally. 

Anyone can fall in love with a friend, one just has to step over a few boundaries, be vulnerable, share secrets and details that create intimate connexions. Spend time together (when shared experience builds bonds), invest in each other... flirt a bit, it doesn't take much. A little curiosity, a few drinks and a few nights out. Feeling respected, appreciated. This is how affairs happen. How new relationships start.

Any favourable bond is grown through friendship. All relationships evolve - they grow or fade. Where things get difficult is in managing expectations and emotions as things change and that starts with understanding the level of commitment and where the other is at / what they're capable of emotionally. Asking, what do I need be respectful of? 

This is how jealousy can be useful. It can wake us up! Help us to take notice of an imbalance - am I giving more than I should? Am I investing too much for what is being expected? Do I wish this was more than it will be?  Am I not taking notice of where this person is at in maturing? Did I get the wrong message that I should invest my heart this much?

The problem is humans can naturally desire equal input (emotionally, financially, psychologically) from the other. We create a standard psychologically by how we behave, emotionally or resourcefully invest. It sounds like there is a lot of time spent together here. They enjoy each others company. But if one is open and honest about sleeping with others, are they doing this to ignite jealousy because they can't be upfront about wanting to take the relationship further? Or are they enjoying as they may because they're not interested in a monogamous relationship. Creating an intimate connexion can be like a drug to some. Thus all the questions.

Matters of the heart are never simple. And not being good at reading NTs, it's helpful for my well being to be aware of the possible nuances. We on the other hand are sometimes too deeply affected. I feel for him...!!! 

His post is called Being in love with a friend.  He has fallen in love with a friend and this is the source of his dilemma.

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

It sounds to me like your new bf doesn't have well appropriated boundaries with his levels of intimacy

Your response seems aimed at someone in an entirely different set of circumstances.

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

because he's immersed in a consumer society and easily fluid with his transactions - seemingly intimate while not actually investing his heart in the right way or he's just not really ready for any commitment because he enjoys the chemical response from the attention he gets while not really weighing the cost. 

It's for that reason that your post doesn't make sense. 

Man, this read just like a situation I was in around ten years ago. I was in my mid-twenties. I'd met a guy during university, and we tried to date then, but it didn't work out. We became friends. I look back now and I understand much of that was because he understood the quirks that I would come to understand as my autism. The friendship was like few others were and ever would be, because connections like that were rare. Both gay men, we would hang out, but also be hooking up with others and often sharing those stories, but I, socially inept as I was, hooked up with far fewer people.

It's not really going to be advice in the truest sense, because I don't think I handled it well at all really, but I can tell you what happened and maybe at least it can constitute a warning. Although there is a key difference between your situation and mine, and that is we weren't having sex. I do wonder if maybe things would've gone differently if he'd been into me physically.

I fell in love with him. The physical, emotional, and intellectual attractions meant it could only really come to that, I think. But we'd tried to date early on- it didn't work, and it was clear he wasn't so into me physically. So while I was developing stronger feelings I was pretty sure they weren't reciprocated (at least not in a way that translates into a romantic/sexual relationship). I became desperate to hang onto the friendship because I was so into him, and because we enjoyed each others company.. but more critically I felt no other friendships I had even came close, so I would have nothing else if I lost him. It became unhealthy; I was going to visit every weekend at the expense of what other few opportunities to socialise I had, and it was always me putting in the lions share of the effort. I would visit him and his boyfriend and just feel like a third wheel the whole time, but then do it again the next week. Everything else in my life was being starved of attention. I began to realise my jealousy had transformed this from a friendship I was trying to build and enjoy, into me chasing, waiting for something to happen, and feeling awful the whole time. I couldn't sustain it.

I was obviously guilty of not talking this through with him, but it was also clear that he had much less to lose with the way things were, so there wasn't as much need for him to address the situation. I would need to do something or it was likely to go on forever.

For me, the cycle was broken when at a mutual friend's birthday party I took a chance (one of only a few I've ever plucked up the courage to do) and introduced myself to a handsome friend of a friend I'd only seen once before, and we went on a bunch of dates after, and built another relationship there that was much more balanced. My previous friendship faded, which partially intentional, because I had come to view it as toxic, and I began investing my energy elsewhere.

Now, I know my way out was a chance encounter that not everyone can count on, but my real problem wasn't that I needed to wait for an opportunity, but that I had let the friendship become toxic. I don't necessarily know how to avoid that, but I know that avoiding talking about it, and just sitting by while being jealous of his activities and his relationships only meant that those feelings got worse and worse. Without either working on my own feelings so that I no longer wanted to be romantically involved, or talking to him about them to see if something can come of it, then there is no way for that to go except get worse, as far as I can tell.

However, when you don't really have another friendship or social outlet to turn to if this one were to end, then I understand that leaving things as they are feels safer, even with the pain. In lieu of talking to him, or if you don't think you'll be able to change how you feel, then you might think about slowly trying to find friendships and social outlets elsewhere. I think jealousy is rooted in failing to reach your own desires and potential- it's not just about seeing others do something you want to do, or feeling like you would like to be the one who is with them. Jealousy is about a lack of confidence, and a lack of self love, when others seem to be doing a lot of things with their life. Jealousy happens a lot less when you feel like you're in control of your life. I felt it because I felt I was second fiddle to someone who was successfully pursuing his desires. Even if this situation is difficult, you can help yourself just by trying to work on yourself and get that control (it is far easier said than done).

I want to reiterate though that I did not deal with my version of this situation very well, and mainly just wanted to let you know how these things sometimes go, hoping that maybe it helps you.

☕Tassimo ☕ said:

You've misunderstood the nature of the relationship between the poster and the object of his jealousy.

I don't believe I have, but I'm happy to hear what you mean by this so I can perhaps rephrase in a better way?

I also don't believe that utilising Jealousy as a warning signal and redirecting the intensity of emotion which comes with it in a constructive way is in the least wrong, but can create a positive response in the other.

A feeling is not a response. How I respond with that feeling is secondary. We can't always control our feelings but we can process them and learn to identify them and examine why we have them.

There's a mess of other things involving intimate connexions and in a situation where it sounds like no commitments are being made, then it's best to step away from the relationship for clarity or just sever a chemical addiction. It's not easy, but it is incredibly difficult to function well or use language well in a situation like this. 

Juniper, I think you should read the original post again. You've misunderstood the nature of the relationship between the poster and the object of his jealousy. As for your interpretation of jealousy, I think you're also confusing that with anger, outrage or resentment which are responses to tangible injustices rather than unconscious (usually irrational) desires or expectations.

☕Tassimo ☕ said:

Jealousy is a sign there’s something you need to work on in yourself. I would say that is why you've been brought together.  It's never about the other person. Jealousy is an emotional response to fear, fear that comes from the thought that a relationship or some aspect of that relationship isn’t going how we want it to go and it may come to an end.

I actually disagree with this. While it CAN instigate toxic behaviour, jealousy is actually a warning sign which should not be ignored. But first I need to work out the context to weigh:

What our commitments are

What our expectations are

What the imbalance is

Say we start a business together. You confirm you're in 100%. So I give 100% but notice after a while you're splitting your investment between me and several other individuals. It could stand to reason that somehow (no blame) I misperceived or was given the wrong message about your level of commitment, which therefore impacted my expectations and has now created an imbalance. Jealousy, at it's core, is about fairness. 

With intimate relationships this is emotionally charged 100x. 

It sounds to me like your new bf doesn't have well appropriated boundaries with his levels of intimacy and this might be because it's fun for him or because he's immersed in a consumer society and easily fluid with his transactions - seemingly intimate while not actually investing his heart in the right way or he's just not really ready for any commitment because he enjoys the chemical response from the attention he gets while not really weighing the cost. 

Unfortunately you'll need to manage your own expectations and pull back to protect your very soul. Hyper sensory awareness includes the emotional senses and while these may be intense right now, he's not showing signs of a proper balance that could facilitate a proper commitment. The hardest part is to recognise what, if anything, we might owe one another. 

I've been told that feelings follow action, so if you choose to disengage, the feeling of jealousy may dissipate. The intensity may dissipate. Which can give off a more mature expression and can either be more attractive or it just 'wasn't meant to be', the stars weren't aligned or what have you. But you don't need to go on dates, maybe just let him know you need some space for a few weeks to indulge in things you enjoy as this is more intense for you than him and feels a bit unbalanced. Allow him a little quiet and mystery time to consider your affair. x

I couldn't agree more with everything that you have said.

Doh.

I thought 180 might be some cool skateboarder lingo or something... didn't notice it was NAS73180!

Beautifully expressed, 180.

Wish him health happiness peace and Love in his life.  That way you’re not requiring the universe to obey you. 
Relying on a fallible human being so that they are responsible for my happiness is too much pressure for any human being.

My conscience will also impose the same standards on me that I impose on others. 

Here are my thoughts based on the hard lessons I've learned over many years, many similar situations, broken hearts and broken promises.

There is a reason why you two are friends in the first place. You've been brought together to teach each other something. Whether it's to learn about real friendship and love or whether it's to learn about shallow friendship, that is something only you can know in time. 

Jealousy is a sign there’s something you need to work on in yourself. I would say that is why you've been brought together.  It's never about the other person. Jealousy is an emotional response to fear, fear that comes from the thought that a relationship or some aspect of that relationship isn’t going how we want it to go and it may come to an end.

I would work on that as my first priority, because jealousy is toxic to relationships, and left unchecked, it will poison and destroy your friendship with this guy.  Once you've worked out what's causing the fear within yourself (usually the thought that he won't want to be friends with you if he's with someone else) then you can have a conversation with him about that in an honest way.  You can arrange a time to sit down and talk together as friends, and you can tell him the truth about what you've been experiencing and why you think it's happening.  You're not telling him just to get some reaction from him or in the hope that he'll marry you. You're telling him because you value his friendship and you value the honesty in your relationship. The outcome is irrelevant in that respect. You will be surprised at how people react when you tell them the truth, without malice, without trying to manipulate their reactions. 

I can say with great certainty that most people worth knowing are the ones who prefer you to tell them the honest truth about how you are feeling, without trying to manipulate their reactions.

Thank you, not too sure if I want to tell him as I don’t know how. My words always get mixed up and I worry I’ll make a fool of myself or come off as not so serious.

An age-old dilemna, with the added kicker that autists are often not very proficient at divining other peoples feelings.

My personal feelings is yes you should tell them how you feel - with a few caveats...

• Not whilst they are in any ongoing relationship.
• You must accept the possibilty of rejection with grace.
• If rejected, the friendship might end (perhaps from them, perhaps because you can't handle it).
• If you get together, it might end... and the friendship might end.

I can see Peter has just stolen my closing point - if you don't tell, will the friendship survive your hidden angst?

The thing is though. Might the Jealousy not destroy the friendship as well? If you don’t tell him and hold it all in?