Making friends

I am in the same situation. My son is 18 and is also very lonely. Suggesting groups etc just gets him more stressed.

It is very difficult. My son often puts up barriers to ideas. But in fairness it is difficult to consciously make friends for anybody. I just feel sad as loneliness is so hard. 
i have looked on the internet but cannot see much in the way of opportunities. I just wondered if anyone had any ideas or things that had worked for them. 

Hi both - please set a more personable profile names... I get confused with all the NASxxx (especially when the only difference is a 6 and 8 in the middle)!

One quick thought - are you sure your sons are actually lonely (rather than appearing lonely to your adult perhaps NT perspective)?

I appreciate that doing something new is difficult/scary for many autists, but I would have missed out on so much in my life if I hadn't taken some chances. I suppose in a way it was a little easier for me because I was undiagnosed - I assumed most people felt like me and I could see them doing it so I forced myself to try. Sometimes it was great, sometimes it was not for me and occasionally it was all fucked up... nearly always though I was fine once I got involved - the anxieties and fears were mostly in my head.

My autistic take on Susan Jeffers "feel the fear and do it anyway" slogan is:

"feel the fear, do shed-loads of preparation and risk minimisation, then do it anyway (and run screaming for the hills if it's too much)".

Catchy huh?

What I mean is the scare factor can be reduced somewhat by...

• Choosing a quietish activity that hopefully attracts gentle people.
• Contacting them via email and explaining you're shy - no need to initially indicate autism (if ever).
• If they seem suitable, ask what the gentlest way to get involved would be (perhaps there is a particular activity or sub-group of people to start with).

If you decide to go,

• read up on the activity suggested if you are not already familiar with them
• research the venue so you know what to expect (I sometimes visit a new venue days before the actual event)
• have an exit plan in case you get overwhelmed - I find this reduces anxiety significantly. ie: if it's driving distance and there is no public transport have a taxi fare or something).

Thanks. I may well try that. In my opinion I think he would feel happier accepting his diagnosis but I won’t push it. 
Mostly it is not an issue, it is just his lack of social contact that seems to be having an adverse effect right now. 

Flamingo works!

Many un-diagnosed autists feel immense relief once they realise... understanding why I struggle with stuff that my peers don't think twice about was HUGE.

Perhaps you could persuade him to do some of the online autism tests and/or watch some youtubes of people describing their autism, aspergers etc.

It will really help him figure out (a) what he really wants from life (as opposed to what society/peers/parents wants him to do) and (b) how to work with/around his austim rather than in conflict with it.

My life would have been so much easier if I had of known about my autism 30 years ago.

No-one has to know - he's nothing to lose really.

Thank you for this. Some really good useful points and info. 
He is definitely lonely as we have had some conversations about this and how he feels about it. 
I will pass your reply on to him. He is rather in denial about being autistic so this can be a stumbling block to getting him to join here, which I feel would be beneficial to him. 
i will set a profile name, I just haven’t thought of one yet. Many thanks. 

Thank you for this. Some really good useful points and info. 
He is definitely lonely as we have had some conversations about this and how he feels about it. 
I will pass your reply on to him. He is rather in denial about being autistic so this can be a stumbling block to getting him to join here, which I feel would be beneficial to him. 
i will set a profile name, I just haven’t thought of one yet. Many thanks. 

Thanks. I may well try that. In my opinion I think he would feel happier accepting his diagnosis but I won’t push it. 
Mostly it is not an issue, it is just his lack of social contact that seems to be having an adverse effect right now. 

Flamingo works!

Many un-diagnosed autists feel immense relief once they realise... understanding why I struggle with stuff that my peers don't think twice about was HUGE.

Perhaps you could persuade him to do some of the online autism tests and/or watch some youtubes of people describing their autism, aspergers etc.

It will really help him figure out (a) what he really wants from life (as opposed to what society/peers/parents wants him to do) and (b) how to work with/around his austim rather than in conflict with it.

My life would have been so much easier if I had of known about my autism 30 years ago.

No-one has to know - he's nothing to lose really.