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57 Male. 40/50 score. Why didn’t I know!

Underwater

I’m a resilient self employed man. Since I can remember, I never fitted in. Openly laughed at, mocked and as a child bullied. High functioning with the best masking / camouflage I could summon, only last week was called ‘odd’ to my face. 
This week, after several tests, my traits were exposed in blinding light. Yep, the big A! 
Absolute joy mixed with relief that I’m not on my own. Soon taken over by anger that no one, including myself, ever joined the dots.

8 years ago out of the blue, a total cognitive meltdown. I’m aware now that the insomnia, exhaustion from masking etc was the root cause. Today it’s just the shutdowns that loom. But since diagnosis a huge weight of sadness of reliving the younger me having to battle every day to be ‘normal’

Ive never felt so lonely and betrayed by the medical profession.

A lifelong question has been answered. So why, internally, is my heart broken? I can only write about my distress for I’m so self trained to mask my feelings. Showing weakness was beaten out of me a long time ago. 

Im sorry for my self indulgence on this forum, but my scream has nowhere to go. 
sorry.

Parents

  • Hi underwater, I can sympathize with what your saying.

    I'm a similar age, and have somehow struggled to this point living a 'normal' live. 

    But I've always known something was wrong, but never been able to put my finger on it, and afraid to push with the doctor for fear of being thought some sort of fraud.

    I was diagnosed last week, and in a way it's a huge relief, but on the other hand I think, am I kidding myself, have they got it wrong, am I trying to blame my life on something.

    Deep down I think they have got it right. But it still somehow difficult to give myself a break.

    I'm hoping it will get easier to accept as time goes on, and it all sinks in.

    I wish I could get my school records from juniors/infants to see if there was any mention of any signs of it then.

    I'm sure the teachers must have noticed something before the masking  really got started.

    Hopefully knowing about it from here on will make life easier for us and those around us

Reply

  • Hi underwater, I can sympathize with what your saying.

    I'm a similar age, and have somehow struggled to this point living a 'normal' live. 

    But I've always known something was wrong, but never been able to put my finger on it, and afraid to push with the doctor for fear of being thought some sort of fraud.

    I was diagnosed last week, and in a way it's a huge relief, but on the other hand I think, am I kidding myself, have they got it wrong, am I trying to blame my life on something.

    Deep down I think they have got it right. But it still somehow difficult to give myself a break.

    I'm hoping it will get easier to accept as time goes on, and it all sinks in.

    I wish I could get my school records from juniors/infants to see if there was any mention of any signs of it then.

    I'm sure the teachers must have noticed something before the masking  really got started.

    Hopefully knowing about it from here on will make life easier for us and those around us

Children
  • in reply to Jazzydave

    I dug out my old school reports (as sent to my parents as opposed to their internal records). There were some interesting hints of issues, but it was explained/brushed aside as caused by  a bad childhood accident & my father dying.

    It did however trigger some long forgotten memories that were interesting to re-view through the lens of autism.