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57 Male. 40/50 score. Why didn’t I know!

Underwater

I’m a resilient self employed man. Since I can remember, I never fitted in. Openly laughed at, mocked and as a child bullied. High functioning with the best masking / camouflage I could summon, only last week was called ‘odd’ to my face. 
This week, after several tests, my traits were exposed in blinding light. Yep, the big A! 
Absolute joy mixed with relief that I’m not on my own. Soon taken over by anger that no one, including myself, ever joined the dots.

8 years ago out of the blue, a total cognitive meltdown. I’m aware now that the insomnia, exhaustion from masking etc was the root cause. Today it’s just the shutdowns that loom. But since diagnosis a huge weight of sadness of reliving the younger me having to battle every day to be ‘normal’

Ive never felt so lonely and betrayed by the medical profession.

A lifelong question has been answered. So why, internally, is my heart broken? I can only write about my distress for I’m so self trained to mask my feelings. Showing weakness was beaten out of me a long time ago. 

Im sorry for my self indulgence on this forum, but my scream has nowhere to go. 
sorry.

Parents

  • Betrayal? Did they not tell you anything then? 

    The doctors and shrinks were never honest with me, but in the 60's and 70's it was seen more as madness. I caught sight of my medical notes by mistake once and found out that way, but after a certain point the doctors got veery dismissive and treated me as a hypochondriac.

    Anyway - hi. I don't dwell on the A word much in day-to-day life these days and have not been diagnosed as an adult. 

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  • Betrayal? Did they not tell you anything then? 

    The doctors and shrinks were never honest with me, but in the 60's and 70's it was seen more as madness. I caught sight of my medical notes by mistake once and found out that way, but after a certain point the doctors got veery dismissive and treated me as a hypochondriac.

    Anyway - hi. I don't dwell on the A word much in day-to-day life these days and have not been diagnosed as an adult. 

Children
  • in reply to Nexus11

    Thanks for your supportive comments. Betrayal is a strong word. But my feelings of not being listened to by the medical profession, (my doctor) over many years are strong as well. A psychologist appointment was cancelled 7 times in as many months. During which time I was heavily sedated. I take ownership of my own mind, but having lost it, the help to find it wasn't there. 

    I don't dwell on the A word. It dwells within me. However, like yourself, I have and am still finding ways to compartmentalise it, as best I can. 

    Thanks, be safe.