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57 Male. 40/50 score. Why didn’t I know!

Underwater

I’m a resilient self employed man. Since I can remember, I never fitted in. Openly laughed at, mocked and as a child bullied. High functioning with the best masking / camouflage I could summon, only last week was called ‘odd’ to my face. 
This week, after several tests, my traits were exposed in blinding light. Yep, the big A! 
Absolute joy mixed with relief that I’m not on my own. Soon taken over by anger that no one, including myself, ever joined the dots.

8 years ago out of the blue, a total cognitive meltdown. I’m aware now that the insomnia, exhaustion from masking etc was the root cause. Today it’s just the shutdowns that loom. But since diagnosis a huge weight of sadness of reliving the younger me having to battle every day to be ‘normal’

Ive never felt so lonely and betrayed by the medical profession.

A lifelong question has been answered. So why, internally, is my heart broken? I can only write about my distress for I’m so self trained to mask my feelings. Showing weakness was beaten out of me a long time ago. 

Im sorry for my self indulgence on this forum, but my scream has nowhere to go. 
sorry.

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  • Welcome.

    This is a good forum for your self-indulgence - many here in a similar boat to yourself (I self-diagnosed a few years ago at 50).

    I very briefly flirted with anger after I realised, but it was quickly replaced by relief/self-forgiving - I'd been silently carrying huge amounts of guilt for so many incidents over my life... now I understand why I reacted/behaved the way I did.

    It was also pointed out to me that I was so good at masking, how could I expect brief interventions from the medicos to pick up my internal turmoil? I realise now that even when I was in couple's therapy with my wife I was trying to be open, but I lacked the language/framework to convey my inner thought processes that were (as you say) beaten deep inside me.

    I suggest though that now you have a brilliant opportunity to forgive yourself past failings and re-arrange your life to suit your autism going forward. For years I struggled and didn't know why - so I couldn't really envisage a future where I would be happy. Now I know exactly how I want to live for the rest of my life. Getting there is proving somewhat harder than I hoped, but at least I have a dream now!

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  • Welcome.

    This is a good forum for your self-indulgence - many here in a similar boat to yourself (I self-diagnosed a few years ago at 50).

    I very briefly flirted with anger after I realised, but it was quickly replaced by relief/self-forgiving - I'd been silently carrying huge amounts of guilt for so many incidents over my life... now I understand why I reacted/behaved the way I did.

    It was also pointed out to me that I was so good at masking, how could I expect brief interventions from the medicos to pick up my internal turmoil? I realise now that even when I was in couple's therapy with my wife I was trying to be open, but I lacked the language/framework to convey my inner thought processes that were (as you say) beaten deep inside me.

    I suggest though that now you have a brilliant opportunity to forgive yourself past failings and re-arrange your life to suit your autism going forward. For years I struggled and didn't know why - so I couldn't really envisage a future where I would be happy. Now I know exactly how I want to live for the rest of my life. Getting there is proving somewhat harder than I hoped, but at least I have a dream now!

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