Nearing the end

Have you tried stoicism? There is really no point in worrying about the past, or things you cannot change. It's completely wasted energy and just a source of unhappiness. You don't have a time machine, whatever happened has already happened. Don't obsess about the future either. It will come regardless. Find things you enjoy and do those; be mindful and present when eating, going for a walk, watching the sunset, etc. Live one day at a time.

Money only matters insofar as it puts a roof over your head and buys you food. What other people think doesn't matter at all, it is only your reaction to it that creates displeasure. What might or might not happen in the future doesn't matter. Just live in the present moment and enjoy your life - get out of your head and stop ruminating.

You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength. -- Marcus Aurelius

Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants. -- Epictetus

Yes I read Stoics quotes every day. They are good, but I still have all the negative thoughts.

I never hankered after money particularly but saw it as a measure of success and achievements.

I always seem to have a negative twist on things

The Autistic or Traumatised brain do not work on the same level as the majority. There are similarities in brain scan science between the Autistic brain and those who have suffered trauma. 

If you use the analogy of the electric wiring in your house, for example. Let's say there are two houses and in the first house, all the electrical wiring seems to do everything you would expect ; all the lights come on when they should and illuminate the rooms they should when the switch to those rooms are turned on, all the wiring to the heating or cooling systems work when required so there are no extremes and all the computer systems/timers etc connected to them function well.

In the second house ( lets call it the Autistic or Traumatised house ) some of the wiring seems to be severed and the computer diagnostics for the heating or cooling systems seem to only work on extreme hot or extreme cold modes and the lights in the house only come on and illuminate a few rooms ( the same rooms every time ) whilst the rest of the house remains in darkness. 

This is a picture of the difference between a so-called ' normal'  functioning brain and an Autistic or Traumatised brain. 

The problem is when you ' think ' that the dimly- lit house is reality and the only house available to live. When the lights are turned-off in certain areas of your being due to fear, and if allowed to continue without awareness to your thoughts, then this fear will consume you and life will appear to be not worth living. You must become aware of your thoughts and eventually, with awareness,  see them coming in order so you may not give them priority or worse, treat them as reality. They are only thoughts and like everything else in this world, will pass like clouds. So, you want to work towards a time when you recognise the thoughts arising and then having a space or pause to either continue the negative thinking..... or to simply watch them pass like clouds. Ekhart Tolle or any other spiritual teacher that has ever lived will point or guide you in the same direction. 

The good news is there are  also treatments that have been scientifically proven to work and that the brain can be re-wired to some degree, just like a house if one is willing to change and seek out the treatment that works for the individual. The work or Gabor Mate and Bessel Van der Kolk on the scientific and humanities fields and the spiritual teachers like Ekhart Tolle, Mooji and so on have shifted me. 

Come out of your prison.

Then maybe it is trauma that is holding you back ? Did you know that trauma is stored in the body and is the main reason why talking therapies have little success ? This is one of the reasons why some have found healing through yoga as it centres on the body. There are trauma informed yoga teachers out there and there are yoga retreats all over the country and abroad. There's a lot of scientific evidence now of the benefits of yoga as a treatment and healer. 

Then maybe it is trauma that is holding you back ? Did you know that trauma is stored in the body and is the main reason why talking therapies have little success ? This is one of the reasons why some have found healing through yoga as it centres on the body. There are trauma informed yoga teachers out there and there are yoga retreats all over the country and abroad. There's a lot of scientific evidence now of the benefits of yoga as a treatment and healer.