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Dating help with Aspergers boyfriend- please !!

NAS74564

My on again off again boyfriend has Aspergers. We are both in our 40s. He was diagnosed as a child  but didn’t have much awareness of how it affects him until we began dating, because he says he was just used to it.  We both love each other dearly and are very comfortable communicating our feelings and daily challenges. By his words I’m the love of his life and he just can’t imagine loving me more but he is also terrified of hurting me. He says he is crazy. I hate that term. I try and reassure him that his issues do not scare me. However, it is a rollercoaster with him because he periodically freaks out saying ‘he isn’t ready’ for a relationship because he he thinks he is crazy and we have to break up because he ‘just isn’t ready’. When this happens , we are both miserable and we get back together. He says he wants to be married but just isn’t ready because he perceives himself as crazy and doesn’t know if he can ever be fixed. He overthinks all the responsibilities of marriage. How can we get past this? Is this a time thing? His issues don’t scare me. I am being candid here and try not to pressure him.  I love him with all my heart and would marry him in a heartbeat if he was ready. 

All advice appreciated. thank you.  

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  • What concerns me is his belief that he needs to be fixed, otherwise he deems himself as crazy. I'm not sure who was around him in his life, but his thoughts and behaviors reminds me of myself when I was being abused in the past. People tried to fix me through anger, fear and punishment, and they were demeaning and called me many negative things, to the point that I believed them. I became overwhelmed by anything deemed "normal" because that seemed too high of a bar for someone as flawed as me to ever reach. I did not realize this was abuse though, I was just trying to fix myself, but always falling short and getting punished. This is why hearing about how your boyfriend is like strikes a chord with me. I don't know how his actual circumstances are like, but I know that if someone is not accepted for who they are by the opinion of someone they value, that's when the insecurities settle in, and that's when they get the urge to fix themselves. 

    My suggestion for him to try and overcome these negative statements about himself, is to challenge them by questioning them. Otherwise statements like "I need to be fixed" and "I am crazy" sounds like factual statements inside the mind that are always going to be true. However, with questions, the answer has not been processed yet, it could be true, it could be false, but at least the statement is not fixed-in-stone anymore. On a broader scale, people who question the establishment has lead to changes being made and progression to occur, so on a more personal level, questioning the type of things you've established in your mind can lead to changes and progression as well. 

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  • What concerns me is his belief that he needs to be fixed, otherwise he deems himself as crazy. I'm not sure who was around him in his life, but his thoughts and behaviors reminds me of myself when I was being abused in the past. People tried to fix me through anger, fear and punishment, and they were demeaning and called me many negative things, to the point that I believed them. I became overwhelmed by anything deemed "normal" because that seemed too high of a bar for someone as flawed as me to ever reach. I did not realize this was abuse though, I was just trying to fix myself, but always falling short and getting punished. This is why hearing about how your boyfriend is like strikes a chord with me. I don't know how his actual circumstances are like, but I know that if someone is not accepted for who they are by the opinion of someone they value, that's when the insecurities settle in, and that's when they get the urge to fix themselves. 

    My suggestion for him to try and overcome these negative statements about himself, is to challenge them by questioning them. Otherwise statements like "I need to be fixed" and "I am crazy" sounds like factual statements inside the mind that are always going to be true. However, with questions, the answer has not been processed yet, it could be true, it could be false, but at least the statement is not fixed-in-stone anymore. On a broader scale, people who question the establishment has lead to changes being made and progression to occur, so on a more personal level, questioning the type of things you've established in your mind can lead to changes and progression as well. 

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