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Dating help with Aspergers boyfriend- please !!

NAS74564

My on again off again boyfriend has Aspergers. We are both in our 40s. He was diagnosed as a child  but didn’t have much awareness of how it affects him until we began dating, because he says he was just used to it.  We both love each other dearly and are very comfortable communicating our feelings and daily challenges. By his words I’m the love of his life and he just can’t imagine loving me more but he is also terrified of hurting me. He says he is crazy. I hate that term. I try and reassure him that his issues do not scare me. However, it is a rollercoaster with him because he periodically freaks out saying ‘he isn’t ready’ for a relationship because he he thinks he is crazy and we have to break up because he ‘just isn’t ready’. When this happens , we are both miserable and we get back together. He says he wants to be married but just isn’t ready because he perceives himself as crazy and doesn’t know if he can ever be fixed. He overthinks all the responsibilities of marriage. How can we get past this? Is this a time thing? His issues don’t scare me. I am being candid here and try not to pressure him.  I love him with all my heart and would marry him in a heartbeat if he was ready. 

All advice appreciated. thank you.  

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    these practical suggestions are incredibly helpful- I appreciate them more than you realize. 

  • in reply to Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

    This is very insightful, thank you so much. Unfortunately, he did have a very traumatic childhood. 

  • What concerns me is his belief that he needs to be fixed, otherwise he deems himself as crazy. I'm not sure who was around him in his life, but his thoughts and behaviors reminds me of myself when I was being abused in the past. People tried to fix me through anger, fear and punishment, and they were demeaning and called me many negative things, to the point that I believed them. I became overwhelmed by anything deemed "normal" because that seemed too high of a bar for someone as flawed as me to ever reach. I did not realize this was abuse though, I was just trying to fix myself, but always falling short and getting punished. This is why hearing about how your boyfriend is like strikes a chord with me. I don't know how his actual circumstances are like, but I know that if someone is not accepted for who they are by the opinion of someone they value, that's when the insecurities settle in, and that's when they get the urge to fix themselves. 

    My suggestion for him to try and overcome these negative statements about himself, is to challenge them by questioning them. Otherwise statements like "I need to be fixed" and "I am crazy" sounds like factual statements inside the mind that are always going to be true. However, with questions, the answer has not been processed yet, it could be true, it could be false, but at least the statement is not fixed-in-stone anymore. On a broader scale, people who question the establishment has lead to changes being made and progression to occur, so on a more personal level, questioning the type of things you've established in your mind can lead to changes and progression as well. 

  • It can take years to develop a friendship. I don't invest in others lightly. And when I do there is an incredible amount of work to break away. 

    Vulnerability can be hard for anyone. And you also don't want to be knocked about. Propose a two - three weeks on / one week off (for a year- always set limits)  to him or something that gives absolute disciplined space for everyone so you're not breaking up. Negotiate! Then renegotiate a year later. Sometimes I can't function when there's others in the room - I can be over-aware and then fail to do things like show up to work or break a dish or miss a deadline. Extra humans can make it hard to focus because my defalut position is to hyper-focus on you regardless of what you're asking for and that will tax everyone at some point.

    It sounds like you can rest assured you'll stay together and affording him EXACT space (this is incredibly important - no calls, no texts, no responsibilities looming over his head). Take that week off to catch up on all books on your reading list, take up a new hobby, watch whatever you want, have a series of freinds nights out. It's useful for all humans NTs and NDs alike to spend quality time pampering themselves - you WILL have a more healthy relationship for it in the long-term. 

  • The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, by Tony Attwod PDF link for free ~ or the book cover to look for and buy in a bookshop or the internet for just under £20.00 UK sterling: