Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm generally pretty decent at my job wherever I work, but there is an aspect of work that always causes me issues.
I pick up on details that people often miss or choose to ignore, in particular when policies are not being followed, which in my job can put people at risk.
When I communicate this to management I am seen as being, "difficult," "abrupt," or "rude," but no-one can ever seem to tell me what I said that was actually rude, as opposed to being not what they wanted to hear, as it causes problems for them to have to solve.
This has been something I have faced for some while in a variety of workplaces.
I wish I could just ignore what I notice, but I literally feel compelled to identify issues once I see them, especially as they could endanger people.
I think I need to come to terms with the fact that I am unable to interact with people very well nowadays.
I just don't understand how to function in society. I used to be able to do it to some extent, but as the years have passed I find it less and less possible.
Things probably started going particularly wrong about 15 years ago when my father got diagnosed with cancer. Since then there has been so much turmoil in my life. Four family deaths in quick succession (my father being the fourth in three years) and a total breakdown of contact with the rest of my family, who I no longer see. I have felt absolutely lost and confused ever since.
That, combined with my utter inability to keep quiet when I see problems, have led to chaos.
I do have some very long term friends and a great wife...so can't be all bad...yet WTF is wrong with me?
I can't keep my mouth shut sometimes when I know I should, which is ironic as I'm a pretty quiet person. But, if I see something wrong (I work in IT systems design and support) I cannot keep it to myself. The problem is though that people don't like to be told - especially in presentations - I've learned that quite a few times now.
As with your situation, I think you were right to raise H&S issues, but don't know about the detail that followed. Maybe there is something there for you to let go of as it's probably not worth the anxiety or stress that it's caused you.
I used to be told, "pick your battles". Until then I was fighting every single one! I'm pretty clever, but it took me a long time to learn some things like this (and I'm still learning them).
Have been in touch with 111 and spoke to a MH nurse at length. Went into excruciating detail about many thins. She's adding me to the emergency GP list. I have to call tomorrow.
I'm wrecked...emotionally any mentally. So much trauma, all unresolved, in past decades.
I see I have upset others while symptomatic and unaware.
I am broken and wretched. My wife cried too, seeing me in pain, which adds layers to the wretchedness.
So much of what you've said throughout this "conversation" has resonated with me and I've felt like I can relate all the way through. Really and truly. But, I think that there is a danger of me thinking that we've experienced the same and then giving answers based on my experience and overlooking the detail of yours.
I think talking to someone about past issues and your feelings is a great idea. In the meantime, try not to be too hard on yourself and try to let go of what happened at work - from what I'm understanding, it's not worth any of the issues or anxiety that it seems to be causing you.