I think I have a certain level of underlying anxiety which has built up over the years. This possibly counts as "generalised anxiety disorder".
Over and above that, I have chosen (!) to specialise in additional anxieties relating to:
- public speaking
- driving
- conflict with others (better keep people-pleasing to avoid this!)
- minor household breakages and repairs (we seem to have far too many round here and I become hypervigilant, waiting for the next thing to break and expecting it to feel urgent, because usually one of us will decide that it is and get caught up in an emotional spiral over it)
- money, or perceived lack thereof. Yes, even when I'm quite flush because this was instilled into me in childhood
- making phone calls in front of others
- my adult children repeating the cycle and not being able to properly make their way in the world (also a tremendous source of sadness).
Over the years some of this has dissipated or I've learnt to cope better and also become better at making choices that suit me. However, I've found that the anxiety around my children has increased as my anxieties about my own activities has reduced.
How might it feel to be free of anxiety? I'm tempted to say that I don't know but actually, after years of therapy, yoga, tai chi, meditation plus activities like gardening and cooking, I do know. It's just that anxieties seem to generate more anxieties, feeding off each other and acting as a magnet for more. And I need to be on to this process, so that I know what my autistic mind is up to and have a chance to reason or meditate my way free. :)
I think I have a certain level of underlying anxiety which has built up over the years. This possibly counts as "generalised anxiety disorder".
Over and above that, I have chosen (!) to specialise in additional anxieties relating to:
- public speaking
- driving
- conflict with others (better keep people-pleasing to avoid this!)
- minor household breakages and repairs (we seem to have far too many round here and I become hypervigilant, waiting for the next thing to break and expecting it to feel urgent, because usually one of us will decide that it is and get caught up in an emotional spiral over it)
- money, or perceived lack thereof. Yes, even when I'm quite flush because this was instilled into me in childhood
- making phone calls in front of others
- my adult children repeating the cycle and not being able to properly make their way in the world (also a tremendous source of sadness).
Over the years some of this has dissipated or I've learnt to cope better and also become better at making choices that suit me. However, I've found that the anxiety around my children has increased as my anxieties about my own activities has reduced.
How might it feel to be free of anxiety? I'm tempted to say that I don't know but actually, after years of therapy, yoga, tai chi, meditation plus activities like gardening and cooking, I do know. It's just that anxieties seem to generate more anxieties, feeding off each other and acting as a magnet for more. And I need to be on to this process, so that I know what my autistic mind is up to and have a chance to reason or meditate my way free. :)
