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Feeling fake and "acting" like others

Lottie

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, this is my first post. 

I'm just in the process of finding out things about myself and make sense of things. My therapist thinks I might be on the spectrum due to some of my experiences.

I've been constantly told I was " in my own head" since childhood, I was bullied a lot for it. People would say I was stupid and I was not paying attention. I was always in an imaginary world, either in my head thinking about things I saw/hear during the day or immerse in my favourite books, playing by myself.

I was interested in my book characters but not in my peers and I didn't seem to quite understand why people would want to share time with each other making up games and stories.

I've always felt people spoke a strange language to me and make fun of me because I could not understand it. Sometimes I would even laugh at their jokes about me, because I had learned when people say things and laugh that's a joke and you have to laugh as well. But I could sense somehow it was not a good thing and they were laughing because I did something "wrong".

I've been very lonely and isolated as a child but I've slowly learned you could do things to be accepted, and if you were "quiet" and did not show your self too much you wouldn't draw much attention to yourself.

As a teen I put on tight trousers to fit in despite hating the feeling on my legs, I tried to make myself more "interesting" learning jokes from TV shows and other people and waiting the right time to pop that into the conversation and make others laugh. I learned it was not ok to talk over people and that if someone said "I'm happy because I bought a new bag" it was not ok to take the bag as the main topic and talk for 30 mins about my bag as that made me look uninterested in others.

People complained I never asked how they are, so I learned how to be "empathic" by saying things like "I'm sorry to hear" when they were sad or learned phrases like "it must be tough" but I really just say because that's the right thing to do and sometimes I don't feel really sorry despite I care or more than that ,I don't know what to say as my mind goes blank, or I just take it as a plain information and I don't react.

Conversations are difficult if I don't have a topic to talk about, I feel lost when someone asks "how are you?" Or "what did you do this week? and my mind just goes blank like "what should I say?" I sat on the couch, I've eaten, like the usual..what do you want me to tell exactly? There are so many things, which one should I say? So I try to take example from conversations I've heard.

I feel like a copycat, a fake, like I'm an actor and I'm just saying my lines. Small talk exhausts me to no end as it feels pointless and I'm not good at talking about things I cannot relate to. I could talk hours about something I'm interested in but otherwise I'd rather stay home because the idea of going to a pub and meeting someone I don't know well freaks me out as I have no clue how to get to know them and which questions should I ask and how to establish that connection.

Can anyone relate? Sometimes I just feel so different from everyone like no one gets me like I have a wall between me and others and they can see me but they can never reach me.

My NT partner said she has learned social skills as well and they are not completely "natural" so I'm not sure if my struggles are an ASD thing (I'm not officially diagnosed but I can relate to some people on the spectrum). So I might have just poor social skills, I just feel everyone else can do certain things quite naturally and for me is a lot of effort. How is it for you?

Thanks for reading and sorry that is so long!!

I was just curious of hearing what's your experiences and how you feel about yourself Slight smile

Parents

  • I feel all of this! I used to take issue with being 'inauthentic' until I realised my authentic self did want to engage with others in kind and thoughtful ways. If using a script was a way for someone to receive what felt to them like a meaningful heartfelt invested response, then 

    There's a few parts to this! From what I've read and looked into, one is that when NTs tell others to 'Be Authentic' they don't actually mean it. They want a Fantasy Authentic Self: virtuous confessionals, fleeting moments of crumbling togetherness. Haha. It's all drama. So, I've decided this whole notion is silly to begin with. Now it's just a fun form of improv that somedays I might be too exhausted to play, but others can join in, so I'm careful with my social engagements.

    Second, Kant suggested that dilligence and making the effort out of a Duty were worth-while and far more ethical than doing/saying a thing only when you 'felt' it. I agree 100%! Deciding to say a thing that another will want to hear or easily recieve is a considerate way of extending graciousness to another. Even if it's a script, it's a small act of kindness. I think ideally, the more I've spent time attempting to align my actions/feelings and words, the more I've found that I'd rather have someone view me as trustworthy. In difficult situations, I try to remember that I might not have all the elements or context to make a valid conclusion. I like to afford others their 'moment' and actively try to keep the conversation on them only talking about my expereince if they ask.

    From a matter of creating healthy boundraies, it's a complete relief to not have to be invested in too many others. We can accidentally be SO authentic that NTs treat this as intimacy and suddenly you find yourself with too many 'friends'. That's exhausting. I have 2 close friends who I feel understood by and that's more than anyone can ask for.

    As for Actors, I once heard Meryl Streep express that her job was to authentically covey a story. She wasn't just acting but the script was her medium. Like the radio is the medium to convey a song. That changed my perspective as well on all this. And this was long before I knew what Autism even was! 

    I say jump in!! Making the effort makes you a kind human - I've even actively sought out improv techniques to add to my internal scripts. :) 

Reply

  • I feel all of this! I used to take issue with being 'inauthentic' until I realised my authentic self did want to engage with others in kind and thoughtful ways. If using a script was a way for someone to receive what felt to them like a meaningful heartfelt invested response, then 

    There's a few parts to this! From what I've read and looked into, one is that when NTs tell others to 'Be Authentic' they don't actually mean it. They want a Fantasy Authentic Self: virtuous confessionals, fleeting moments of crumbling togetherness. Haha. It's all drama. So, I've decided this whole notion is silly to begin with. Now it's just a fun form of improv that somedays I might be too exhausted to play, but others can join in, so I'm careful with my social engagements.

    Second, Kant suggested that dilligence and making the effort out of a Duty were worth-while and far more ethical than doing/saying a thing only when you 'felt' it. I agree 100%! Deciding to say a thing that another will want to hear or easily recieve is a considerate way of extending graciousness to another. Even if it's a script, it's a small act of kindness. I think ideally, the more I've spent time attempting to align my actions/feelings and words, the more I've found that I'd rather have someone view me as trustworthy. In difficult situations, I try to remember that I might not have all the elements or context to make a valid conclusion. I like to afford others their 'moment' and actively try to keep the conversation on them only talking about my expereince if they ask.

    From a matter of creating healthy boundraies, it's a complete relief to not have to be invested in too many others. We can accidentally be SO authentic that NTs treat this as intimacy and suddenly you find yourself with too many 'friends'. That's exhausting. I have 2 close friends who I feel understood by and that's more than anyone can ask for.

    As for Actors, I once heard Meryl Streep express that her job was to authentically covey a story. She wasn't just acting but the script was her medium. Like the radio is the medium to convey a song. That changed my perspective as well on all this. And this was long before I knew what Autism even was! 

    I say jump in!! Making the effort makes you a kind human - I've even actively sought out improv techniques to add to my internal scripts. :) 

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